I Know The Plans I Have For You

This morning I awoke to the following beautiful email from my husband:  "I hope you're resting well.  You know sometimes everything seems so dark; I almost want to give up sometimes.  Yet I see a light at the end of this long tunnel.  The light seems so far away some days and then there are days that it seems closer.  When I get down, I think of you and I realize why I am here.  The Lord gives me strength to keep going and you give me a purpose to go on.  You and Joshua let me know that I have a reason to go on and do my best.  Life has never been easy and I realize it's what you make it.  I have realized you just have to deal with today and take the good with the bad.  When things are going bad or I feel down, I think of you.  I love the talks on the phone and the emails but most of all I enjoy just being with you.  Joshua is such a joy in my life.  There are no words to express how I feel about him.  He is my boy and I hope we do a great job of raising him.  I just want to tell you that you are the best and thank you for all you do for us as a wife to me and a mother to the kids.  I love you and miss you. Stephen"

I read that email and felt so blessed and fortunate to have a husband who was willing to take the time to share such beautiful words with me.  I regretfully must admit that when I woke up this morning I wasn't this shining ray of light and hope.  My reply was not very pretty at all.  My reply in short (because not much of it is worth repeating) was basically "I'm glad you can see that light at the end of the tunnel.  I just wish I could figure out which tunnel you're in so I could see that flicker of light also.  I'm so confused about what to do.  I have no idea what to do because I have no idea where we're going to be.  Feeling we're flying by the seat of our pants on a wing and prayer hoping to find something (a job) between here and Florida when you're at home on R and R is driving me nuts.  I guess I'm the one with a bad attitude this morning.  I know it will all work out eventually.  RIGHT NOW  I feel like screaming and throwing a temper tantrum like a child.  One day at a time, huh?"  ENOUGH OF THAT!

Afterwards, I was consumed with regret for sending that e-mail to him.  He is the one over there making the sacrifices, living in horrible conditions, working 12 to 15 hour days seven days straight for four to five months at a time, he's the one away from home missing out on so much of our lives and I'm here with all of the conveniences of home.  My only sacrifice is missing him.  He's the one who needs encouragement and uplifting, yet I'm acting like a child who can't have her way.  I WANT WHAT I WANT AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!!

In "Random House Dictionary of Popular Proverbs and Sayings" by Gregory Y. Titelman (Random House, New York, 1996): "Patience is a virtue. The ability to wait for something without excessive frustration is a valuable character trait."  Yes!  Patience is a virtue!  However, patience is not one of my stronger characteristics.  One would think with all the lessons I've encountered through the course of my life I would have mastered it enough to be an example to others.  Yet it seems to be an ongoing lesson in my life. I Timothy 6:11 "But as for you, O man of God, flee from all these things; aim at and pursue righteousness (right standing with God and true goodness), godliness (which is the loving fear of God and being Christlike), faith, love, steadfastness (patience), and gentleness of heart." Amplified Version

James 1:3-4 "Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.  But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing."  Amplified Version  At least I know when I have finally mastered patience it will be a "thorough work" in my life.  Who knows it may take my entire lifetime to master it!  I'm sure it will!

Steve has been working in Afghanistan since November of 2009.  After he arrived there the company he was working with lost their contract and he signed a contract with another company in March of 2010.  We had hoped he could come home for good in March of this year but because he has not been able to secure a job stateside leaves us unsure of what the outcome will be when he comes home in April.  He did sign another contract for another year, but our hope is that he will be able to secure a job stateside while he is at home on R and R and won't have to return.  I realize I should be grateful for the fact that in the event he is unable to secure a job here he will at least be able to return to Afghanistan and continue to provide for our family.  This journey is just one that I'm so tired of.  I want my husband to be at home with us and to be a part of our daily lives.  I just miss him so much and the child in me wants to throw a temper tantrum because I want what I want and I want it now.

Several years ago I took a personality profile along with the employees at work.  When the results came back in we were all amazed at the results.  We actually read the profiles and could identify who the profile belonged too.  My profile identified me as the "Strategic Planner".  I have to have my own workplace, I don't like interruptions or distractions, I like to plan each project from beginning to end identifying each step of the process to completion, I hate flying by the seat of my pants and winging it and am agitated by those who fit that profile, I certainly don't like the 'unknowns' of any given situation, I don't like surprises therefore I am always trying to anticipate what might go wrong and how to overcome it before it ever goes wrong.  Therefore, knowing the goal is for Steve to be able to stay stateside when he comes home in April without any concrete job offers, taking this on a wing and a prayer, flying by the seat of our pants, not knowing if he will have to go back, where he may find an offer, where we may be living, etc., is DRIVING ME NUTS and has me in a state of complete confusion.  I Corinthians 4:33 tells me that God is not a God of confusion and disorder but of peace and order.  I know that my confusion is self-inflicted because of my impatience and wanting answers and solutions NOW.

I walked out onto my balcony this morning and said, "Oh Lord I just wish you would let me know where you want me to go and what you want me to do."  He said to me, "Alecia if I were to reveal my plans to you before their time what would be left for you to take on faith?"  I smiled and said, "Yes Lord, you are right but you know this isn't easy for me. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to swim up a waterfall because the waiting and the unknown seem to go against every grain of me."  The Lord replied to me, "Be patient my child and know that I AM GOD.  Have I not revealed to you that my plans for you are to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future.  I know the plans I have for you.  Wait on me without fear, concern or despair.  Walk in faith and trust in me."  I suddenly felt a sense of peace.  Thank you God for loving me and carrying me through this.  Thank you for not giving up on me.  Please continue to carry me through this and help me to grow in my faith and to trust you completely.