Beautiful Jewels

A few months ago I was having a conversation with a friend.  She told me there was something she wanted to tell me but wasn’t ready yet to tell me.  During the course of our conversation my friend said to me, “I’m concerned about you because you’re weak and I don’t want to see you taken advantage of or hurt and that’s all I’m going to say about it for now.”

After our conversation, I went home worried and upset, wondering what she had seen in me that would imply weakness.  I was thinking about all the things I have been through in my life.  I had always considered myself to be a pretty strong individual because I had dealt with so much over the years; an abusive, alcoholic father, spousal abuse, rape, infidelity, a husband who abused drugs, a child undergoing open-heart surgery, raising a mentally disabled child, raising a grandchild, and a husband working in Afghanistan in the middle of a war zone.  This accusation of weakness without explanation was simply baffling to say the least.

Seeking answers and understanding I went into my closet, closed the doors and fell on my face in prayer asking the Lord to reveal this weakness to me.  After praying I listened! This is what I heard: “In my Father’s Kingdom there are many jewels; rubies, pearls, emeralds, sapphires and diamonds.  You are a diamond that must be refined and without blemish in order to fulfill the purpose for which the Father created you.”  I thought, “Refined diamond?”  I went to my computer and searched “refined diamonds”.  A refined diamond is a diamond that undergoes a process of enormous stress by being subjected to intense heat and tremendous pressure to remove impurities and unwanted elements.  It occurred to me that the events of my life, everything I had been through had been a part of the refining process; a process to “remove unwanted elements”. Then I thought, “Without blemish?  Without blemish means perfection.  No one is perfect!  There is no way in the world anyone can be perfect and without blemishes.”

Later that afternoon I spoke with my friend again and asked her to explain why she considered me to be weak.  She replied, “Alecia, you are one of the kindest people I’ve ever known.  You have such a loving and giving heart and I’m concerned that your kindness will allow people to take advantage of you.”  “Oh!  Thank God!” I thought.  If things like kindness, loving and giving are weaknesses then I’m okay with that!

However, over the course of the past few months this “without blemish” issue has bothered me.  I have processed its meaning so many times and felt defeated by it,  realizing there is no way I will ever be without blemishes in this world. A few nights ago Steve and I were discussing it and I shared my thoughts with him.  I told him the only conclusion I can come to is that I am required to live my life by walking a fine line, the camel through the eye of a needle kind of life while striving to be as much like Christ as I can possibly be each and every day.

Most days I feel more like the grain of sand or irritant prior to entering the oyster or the mussel than I do a jewel of any kind.  So many of us face enormous stress and pressure on a daily basis, sometimes to the point that we may feel defeated and want to give up. The mountains before us may seem far too high to climb.  However, we must go on! We all must remember that He loves us tremendously and “greater is He that is in me than he that is the world”.  He has promised to never forsake us or abandon us. If we fail to complete the refining process, then we never become the beautiful jewels that each of us is meant to become.  

Riding the Storm

For the past few weeks I have felt like I have been on board a boat being tossed around the raging waters during a violent storm.  When Steve came home from Afghanistan as thrilled as I was to have him home, there was a period of adjustment for all of us.  We all had our routines and suddenly there was no routine at all. Everything seemed so chaotic and for me that was difficult.  There was also the fact that nothing went as we had planned for it to go in regard to him finding employment which threw me into a state of panic. 

During that time I examined my relationship with the Lord very closely and at one point asked, “God, where are you? Why have you abandoned me? I can’t feel you and I can’t see you.”  Yet, everywhere I looked there were constant reminders that He was right there with me, He had a plan and a purpose in everything and He was still very much in control even though things were not going as we had planned and expected.  Every time I would open my Bible, read a devotional or a Bible study His Word was reminding me of His promises to me.  "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Hebrews 13:5  "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" Rom 8:32 “And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus” Philippians 4:19 ''Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.'' Joshua 1:9 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 and these are just a few! He was trying so hard to get through to me to let me know that He loves me, He is always with me and He has a plan for me, it is just a plan which differs from the plans I had made. 

We can go through situations in life in which it seems like everything in our lives as we know it is falling apart and we can feel like someone has pulled the rug from underneath our feet.  We can find ourselves in a state of panic and turmoil while trying to find solid ground to stand on and regain some control in an attempt to keep everything from falling apart and salvage as much as we can of our lives as we know it.  And that is exactly how I have felt over the past few weeks. That is exactly how the devil wants us to feel.  As long as we are in a state of panic and worrying about what may or may not happen, we are distracted and we are not listening to that small voice of the Lord telling us everything will be okay.  

One thing I have learned from everything I have been through during the past weeks is that sometimes the Lord shakes us to make us examine our relationship with Him in order for us to grow in Him. Sometimes our lives as we know it must fall apart in order for us to realize what truly matters to us and in order for Him to help us rebuild a life which is more rewarding and fulfilling without all of the distractions we have accumulated.  The wonderful thing is that if we place our hope and our faith in Him, He is always right there to catch us. 

For so many years Steve and I lived above our means in an attempt to provide better for our daughters than what we could afford.  Being the child of an abusive alcoholic I always felt beneath the other kids.  I never felt good enough and felt as though they all looked down on me. I always felt like it was a constant struggle to try to fit in and be accepted by the others.  A low self-esteem is something that I still struggle with today.  I never wanted my girls to experience that.  Steve and I got so caught up in trying to maintain a lifestyle that we truly couldn’t afford that we became driven workaholics caught up in a daily struggle trying to keep the balance in maintaining a lifestyle we could not afford.  I reached a point that I could not enjoy the career I truly loved because I had become so driven by a dollar and as much as I hated the fact, I was too absorbed and consumed to walk away from it.  I remember telling Steve a few years ago how I longed for a simple lifestyle, one that could be enjoyed without struggling all the time.

When Steve was in Afghanistan I was so miserable.  I missed him so much and felt so alone.  The time always seemed to pass by so slowly when he was away and would fly by when he was at home on R and R.  There were days I felt like I was literally breaking inside from the grief I was experiencing from him being away. There were so many times I thought, “How wonderful it would be to live a simple life in which my husband can be an active member participating in the day to day functions of my life! How wonderful it would be to be able to enjoy the simple things life has to offer.”

When Steve came home and things didn’t go as we had planned I fell into a state of panic until Monday morning when I realized there are a couple of things that I have to let go of in order to live a simpler lifestyle without the struggle.  As soon as I realized that, I felt as though a tremendous weight had been lifted off of me.  I woke up yesterday morning feeling very blessed, at peace and happy.  All of our needs are met, I was able to kiss my husband good-bye as he left for work and he was at home waiting for me when I came home from work. This morning I woke up feeling the best I have felt in such a long time.  Life is good!  Sometimes we just have to ride the storm out to reach our destination.  Never lose hope and never lose faith because the Lord is always there steering the ship through the rough waters in the midst of the storm.

 

So Little!

After reading my post on Saturday, a friend asked if I had written it specifically for her.  She shared with me that she is going through a terrible situation in life and feels alone, bitter and angry.  My friend shared with me that she was losing her faith because she had done everything she felt she could do and asked, “Why won’t He help me?”

As I shared with you in that post, I too had begun to question and evaluate my relationship with the Lord wondering why He wasn’t answering my prayer.  I had evaluated every aspect of myself, my life and my relationship with Him wondering where I was falling short.  I had researched the reasons why the Lord doesn’t answer our prayers and learned the following reasons are why He doesn’t answer prayer: Sin, Unforgiveness, Lack of Persistence, Doubt, Wrong Motives, Not Praying According to God's Will, and Not Listening to Godly Counsel. http://www.lovesark.net/prayer/unansweredprayer.html   I’ve also learned that just because a prayer has not yet been answered does not mean it will not be answered.  We have to listen to Him when He says, “Be still and know that I am God.”

The day I wrote the blog post that triggered the conversation between my friend and I, I too was feeling abandoned and confused.  I was faced with having to say “good-bye” to my husband again because the decision had been made for him to return to Afghanistan to work in order to provide for our family.  I had prayed for a different outcome.  When the prayer seemed to go unanswered I began to evaluate every aspect of my life and my relationship with the Lord asking why He wasn’t answering my prayer.  After such close examination I determined that it simply had to be the Lord’s will for my husband to go back to Afghanistan.  As much as the thoughts of him going back broke my heart I had resigned myself to accept it as the Lord’s will.  The next day, Sunday I prayed, “Lord this is so hard for me.  I feel like I’m dying inside.  Having to live my life with him so far away and knowing that he is in such danger seems to be more than I take again.  I had hoped and prayed these days were behind us.  Lord I know you love me and your will for us is to give us hope and a future.  Lord, give us strength to get through this.  Please Lord, watch over him, protect him and bring him home safely to us. As hard as this is Lord, Your will be done.” 

Later that afternoon my husband was offered a job stateside.  The person who offered my husband the job had not offered it sooner because they thought my husband may have felt the position was beneath him and it was offered as a last resort to keep him from having to go back.  The truth is my husband would have taken a job doing anything in order to be able to stay at home with his family.  This person who thought what they were offering was so little truly has no concept of what a blessing that offer was to us. When my friend that I had had the referenced conversation with heard the news, she said she was so happy for us and that this news had given her renewed hope. Not only had this person been a blessing to us but had also through their actions given someone they don’t know renewed hope.

Sometimes the Lord will wait to answer our prayers in order to test our faith.  Sometimes He wants to know that we are truly seeking His will, His plan and His purpose for our lives regardless of how much it may not coincide with our wants.  I believe this was my test.  We never know who the Lord has placed in our lives to reach out and offer a helping hand at what may seem like the last minute.  If you can do something to help someone, even if it seems to be so little, don’t hold back.  What may seem so little to you may make a world of difference in someone’s life.  God Bless!