Introduction
It seems to me as though I have spent the vast majority of my life praying for miracles. I would read or hear about miracles that had been performed in the lives of others and though I was sincerely happy for those people, their stories were often like salt rubbed into an open wound for me. They often made me feel even more isolated because I was still left with unanswered questions, disappointments, and struggles; asking God, “What is wrong with me? Where is my miracle? What am I doing wrong?” I wanted the instant miracle. I wanted the realm of my environment, my life, my family, my situation to be divinely made whole.
There have actually been times that I have wondered if God was holding me to a higher standard than others because it appeared to me that I was being disciplined so much more than others in certain areas of my life. I would look around me and see others that seemed to be so very blessed, yet in my opinion; they were not trying anywhere near as hard as I was. Then again I would ask, “God, what is wrong with me?”
I recall reaching a point in my life that I began to question my existence, why God had allowed me to be born. I remember asking Him, “Is this all there is to life? God, did you create me, bring me into this world and give me life only to suffer and be miserable?” I began to reflect over my life and the experiences I had gone through. I realized most of my experiences throughout the course of my life had been bad experiences which inflicted painful physical and emotional wounds that had left severe scars. Many of those wounds and the painful memories had been locked away and hidden so deep within me, yet they were still there. Though I had hidden them away, they still caused me pain. That was what was wrong with me. I was broken and there was no quick fix.
I was so broken that acquiring healing would require me to begin a process of facing those painful memories and picking up the pieces of my broken heart and broken spirit and allowing God to help me mend them back together. No one else could help me. No one else could understand what I was feeling. I wasn’t even sure of what I was feeling so I certainly could not explain my feelings to anyone. This is when the Lord pointed out to me that I had survived each of these experiences; which in itself was a miracle and that He was preparing me and cultivating me to fulfill the purpose for which I had been created.
About seven years before I actually sat down and began writing, the Lord placed the desire in my heart to write this book sharing my life experiences with others to offer them hope, encouragement and support. He pointed out to me that many people have committed suicide when faced with any one of the number of experiences I have undergone throughout the course of my life. It was my assignment to reach out to someone who was hurting and let them know “this too shall pass” and that God loves them, He is there for them and He will see them through it.
However, instead of acting on the Lord’s instruction to me, I listened to and believed Satan’s lies. “Who are you to think anyone would be interested in hearing anything you would have to say?” “Where’s your victory?” “What pot of gold at the end of the rainbow do you have to share with anyone?” “People will think you’re silly!” “Look at your life! What kind of example could you possibly be for anyone?” “What a super inflated ego you have! Of course you think the Lord has a big call on your life, you would certainly expect no less!” “People will judge you and abandon you if you share all the horrible things you’ve done in your life.”
Not only did I listen to and believe Satan’s lies, I even threw a few of my own in there. I kept looking at my inability instead of God’s ability. For seven years I tried to ignore this assignment. I kept hoping the Lord would give me another assignment, something I felt I was actually capable of doing. I failed to realize the fact that He wanted me to go into the deep water where it was obvious that it was not me, but Him working in me.
Nor did I realize that He wanted to take me on this journey to offer me healing. He wanted to help me heal a broken heart and a broken spirit that had been broken for so long that it had just become part of who I was. I had walked around wearing a façade that everything was okay in me and in my life for so long trying to convince everyone else but especially trying to convince myself that I was okay. I had tried to convince myself that I didn’t need to revisit my past and I didn’t need to try to understand the things I had done or the things that had been done to me. I tried to convince myself that I was okay, it was all in the past, it was over and I had survived it. I preferred to not open those closets and the wounds associated with them.
Having to recall memories of the events of my past in order to share it with others and manage to find the words to make the mess of those memories make sense seemed so intimidating to me. I find it funny how God assigns us those tasks which are the very things we feel most intimidated by. Perhaps He does that because it requires us to step out in complete blind faith, trusting Him completely. He takes us outside of our own understanding and our comfort zones for us to realize it is not us but Him. As we learn and grow in Him, He then takes us into water that is a little deeper.
There were several other things that prevented me from sitting down to write for a long time also. None of them were things that the Lord could not and did not help me to overcome. They were things like fear of being judged by others; the pain and resentment I carried in my heart for those who had hurt me over the course of my life; the mountainous task of opening up closets and removing skeletons and the painful memories of them that I really didn’t want to have to face; and also the knowledge that when I sat down to write this book, especially if it were actually ever published, I would have to crossover into a land of no return. I knew that in order to do what God was calling me to do; I would have to hand my life over to Him completely for Him to do with it what He wanted done, the way He wanted it done.
As silly as it sounds to me now, I must admit the fact that I am addicted to control and handing control of my life over to anyone else was a difficult task. I can’t tell you how silly that sounds to me now when I say, “It was difficult for me to hand the control of my life over to God.” Yet it was! I knew that God wanted to take me into the deep water and I was afraid. I was afraid because I didn’t trust Him completely. Then I realized that by refusing to hand the control of my life over to God, I was allowing Satan control in my life. The truth is this! Regardless of who we are and how powerful we may think we are; we are nothing outside of God. In regard to control, if we don’t give God control we allow Satan to control, so what control do we actually have?
God has given us free will to make choices and decisions in our lives, but who influences those choices and decisions? I assure you it will be one or the other; God or Satan. Because God gives us free choice, we choose which it will be. When I realized this, I crossed over and submitted to God and surrendered my life to Him. I handed it all over to Him for Him to do with my life what He will and use me as His instrument. Little did I realize the wonderful journey the Lord was about to take me on.
After making the choice to give God control of my life, I began writing this book in faith. The first half of the book was extremely laborious for me having to recall memories which had been locked away for so many years. A friend who read my manuscript told me I should share more of my thoughts and feelings during some of the events I shared. That’s when I realized that I had locked so many of those emotions so deep inside I couldn’t recall what I was feeling. Perhaps it was my way of dealing with the trauma of some of the events. My friend also said she could tell where the Holy Spirit took over and began revealing Himself and guiding me through the writing process. When I began writing the second half of the book, the Lord would share scriptures with me from His Word that was applicable to whatever I was writing about. The amazing thing was that though I read my Bible, I had never been one to memorize scripture. I recognized this was truly the Lord working in me to share with you.
Writing this book has been a wonderful journey of healing, forgiving, restoring, strengthening, learning and growing. Through writing this book the Lord has taught me so much about Him, myself and others. He has revealed Himself to me in so many ways and helped me to identify and heal wounds that were still inflicting pain though they had been hidden away deep within me for so long I had forgotten they were there. He has helped me to move so many mountains in my life. He has brought me to a wonderful and beautiful place of peace within Him. There are no words to describe it.
Today, right now, this very moment I know with all of my heart and all of my soul that I am exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing. I know that I am in the will of God working to fulfill the purpose for which He created me and gave me life. I can truthfully tell you I am looking forward to God taking me into deeper waters. I have fallen in love with Him! I want to be with Him always. I want more, more, more of Him. I want Him to use me as His instrument to accomplish absolutely everything He wants to accomplish through me. I am His and He is mine and what a wonderful place this realization has brought me to in my life!
Recently the Lord shared the following scriptures with me:
zzzz And I, brethren, when I came to you, came not with excellency of speech or of wisdom, declaring unto you the testimony of God. For I determined not to know anything among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified. And I was with you in weakness, and in fear, and in much trembling. And my speech was not with enticing words of man’s wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power; That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God. 1 Corinthians 2:1-5 (KJV) zzzzz-end
and
zzzz To give light to them that sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet unto the way of peace. Luke 1:79 (KJV). Zzzzz-end
When I read Luke 1:79, the Lord placed a vision in my mind of me standing in a church before people sharing my testimony with them. I could see those sitting in the back rows where I used to sit, in the darkness feeling alone, desolate, hurting, and ashamed while thinking my sins were too great, my mistakes were too bad and my life was too big of a mess for anyone to love me, forgive me or help me. God showed me that He wants me to be His instrument to shine the light of His love and forgiveness onto them. He wants me to be His arms to reach out to them and show them the way to Him and His peace. Talk about deep waters! Oh God take me deeper! I am Yours!
Where is my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? It is in my heart! It is my God! My God is a wonderful, precious, loving, merciful and gracious God, who has taken my mess and made it my message of love, joy, hope and peace. He has taken my pain and made it my joy in knowing that what Satan meant for my destruction and the destruction of others, God will use to reach others and lead them to know Him.
The pursuit of my purpose was a painful journey until I finally handed it over to the Lord. I thank Him for never giving up on me! I pray that in sharing my journey with you, you will find new hope, encouragement, and strength to either begin your journey or continue your journey. May God bless you!
