I Know The Plans I Have For You

This morning I awoke to the following beautiful email from my husband:  "I hope you're resting well.  You know sometimes everything seems so dark; I almost want to give up sometimes.  Yet I see a light at the end of this long tunnel.  The light seems so far away some days and then there are days that it seems closer.  When I get down, I think of you and I realize why I am here.  The Lord gives me strength to keep going and you give me a purpose to go on.  You and Joshua let me know that I have a reason to go on and do my best.  Life has never been easy and I realize it's what you make it.  I have realized you just have to deal with today and take the good with the bad.  When things are going bad or I feel down, I think of you.  I love the talks on the phone and the emails but most of all I enjoy just being with you.  Joshua is such a joy in my life.  There are no words to express how I feel about him.  He is my boy and I hope we do a great job of raising him.  I just want to tell you that you are the best and thank you for all you do for us as a wife to me and a mother to the kids.  I love you and miss you. Stephen"

I read that email and felt so blessed and fortunate to have a husband who was willing to take the time to share such beautiful words with me.  I regretfully must admit that when I woke up this morning I wasn't this shining ray of light and hope.  My reply was not very pretty at all.  My reply in short (because not much of it is worth repeating) was basically "I'm glad you can see that light at the end of the tunnel.  I just wish I could figure out which tunnel you're in so I could see that flicker of light also.  I'm so confused about what to do.  I have no idea what to do because I have no idea where we're going to be.  Feeling we're flying by the seat of our pants on a wing and prayer hoping to find something (a job) between here and Florida when you're at home on R and R is driving me nuts.  I guess I'm the one with a bad attitude this morning.  I know it will all work out eventually.  RIGHT NOW  I feel like screaming and throwing a temper tantrum like a child.  One day at a time, huh?"  ENOUGH OF THAT!

Afterwards, I was consumed with regret for sending that e-mail to him.  He is the one over there making the sacrifices, living in horrible conditions, working 12 to 15 hour days seven days straight for four to five months at a time, he's the one away from home missing out on so much of our lives and I'm here with all of the conveniences of home.  My only sacrifice is missing him.  He's the one who needs encouragement and uplifting, yet I'm acting like a child who can't have her way.  I WANT WHAT I WANT AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!!

In "Random House Dictionary of Popular Proverbs and Sayings" by Gregory Y. Titelman (Random House, New York, 1996): "Patience is a virtue. The ability to wait for something without excessive frustration is a valuable character trait."  Yes!  Patience is a virtue!  However, patience is not one of my stronger characteristics.  One would think with all the lessons I've encountered through the course of my life I would have mastered it enough to be an example to others.  Yet it seems to be an ongoing lesson in my life. I Timothy 6:11 "But as for you, O man of God, flee from all these things; aim at and pursue righteousness (right standing with God and true goodness), godliness (which is the loving fear of God and being Christlike), faith, love, steadfastness (patience), and gentleness of heart." Amplified Version

James 1:3-4 "Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.  But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing."  Amplified Version  At least I know when I have finally mastered patience it will be a "thorough work" in my life.  Who knows it may take my entire lifetime to master it!  I'm sure it will!

Steve has been working in Afghanistan since November of 2009.  After he arrived there the company he was working with lost their contract and he signed a contract with another company in March of 2010.  We had hoped he could come home for good in March of this year but because he has not been able to secure a job stateside leaves us unsure of what the outcome will be when he comes home in April.  He did sign another contract for another year, but our hope is that he will be able to secure a job stateside while he is at home on R and R and won't have to return.  I realize I should be grateful for the fact that in the event he is unable to secure a job here he will at least be able to return to Afghanistan and continue to provide for our family.  This journey is just one that I'm so tired of.  I want my husband to be at home with us and to be a part of our daily lives.  I just miss him so much and the child in me wants to throw a temper tantrum because I want what I want and I want it now.

Several years ago I took a personality profile along with the employees at work.  When the results came back in we were all amazed at the results.  We actually read the profiles and could identify who the profile belonged too.  My profile identified me as the "Strategic Planner".  I have to have my own workplace, I don't like interruptions or distractions, I like to plan each project from beginning to end identifying each step of the process to completion, I hate flying by the seat of my pants and winging it and am agitated by those who fit that profile, I certainly don't like the 'unknowns' of any given situation, I don't like surprises therefore I am always trying to anticipate what might go wrong and how to overcome it before it ever goes wrong.  Therefore, knowing the goal is for Steve to be able to stay stateside when he comes home in April without any concrete job offers, taking this on a wing and a prayer, flying by the seat of our pants, not knowing if he will have to go back, where he may find an offer, where we may be living, etc., is DRIVING ME NUTS and has me in a state of complete confusion.  I Corinthians 4:33 tells me that God is not a God of confusion and disorder but of peace and order.  I know that my confusion is self-inflicted because of my impatience and wanting answers and solutions NOW.

I walked out onto my balcony this morning and said, "Oh Lord I just wish you would let me know where you want me to go and what you want me to do."  He said to me, "Alecia if I were to reveal my plans to you before their time what would be left for you to take on faith?"  I smiled and said, "Yes Lord, you are right but you know this isn't easy for me. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to swim up a waterfall because the waiting and the unknown seem to go against every grain of me."  The Lord replied to me, "Be patient my child and know that I AM GOD.  Have I not revealed to you that my plans for you are to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future.  I know the plans I have for you.  Wait on me without fear, concern or despair.  Walk in faith and trust in me."  I suddenly felt a sense of peace.  Thank you God for loving me and carrying me through this.  Thank you for not giving up on me.  Please continue to carry me through this and help me to grow in my faith and to trust you completely. 

My Strength is in the Lord

I usually awake to an email from Steve every morning telling me how his day is going, what the weather is like, asking about everyone at home and telling me how much he loves and misses me.  I love waking up to those emails.  They serve as such a comfort to me knowing that at the time he sent it he was okay.  Each email and each phone call provide a little more comfort and a little more strength to make it through until he emails or calls again.  That's how this lifestyle is; you have to take it one day at a time, one segment at a time, one moment at a time and sometimes one breath at a time. 

I commented on my Facebook page this morning that I hate some of the thoughts that cross my mind when I wake up without an email or when the expected phone call doesn't come.  I also realized how different those thoughts that run through my mind are from the thoughts that may run through the mind of a woman whose husband is not working in the middle of a war zone.  My fears are regarding his well-being, wondering if there has been an attack, if he has been injured or killed.  Naturally, I try to put those thoughts out of my mind and console myself by offering other explanations such as "Perhaps he was busy and just didn't have the time" or "The weather has been bad and their communication systems are not very dependable, perhaps he couldn't get a signal to send an email or maybe the phones are down", "I'll just WAIT until I hear from him".  I couldn't help but wonder how many women would be strong enough to handle a situation such as that.  One of the other ladies whose husband is over there also commented "We are so strong and most of the times we don't even realize how strong we are."  One thing I've noticed is that most of the women whose husbands are over there have faith in the Lord.  I don't think it's through our own abilities that we endure this experience but through the Lord's strength He provides us that we are able to endure it.  To my Deployed Civilian Contractor (DCC) Sister’s I will say this:  When the day seems so lonely and unbearable and you're wondering how in the world you're going to get through it, look to Lord.  Psalm 18:1-2 “I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." NIV also: Psalm 28:7 "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song."

I watch the news and see the dismal reports of the economy with unemployment rates and foreclosure rates.  I realize that I am so blessed to have such a strong, responsible, loving and courageous husband.  Not many in comparison to the number of men in this world would be willing to make the sacrifices that my husband is willing to make for the sake of his family.  I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate, respect, admire and love my husband for the sacrifices he makes for us. I thank God for blessing me with such a wonderful husband and I thank God for His strength which sustains me because it is certainly not my strength but His that gets me through each day.  May God bless each of you and the great men and women, military and civilian who are making such tremendous sacrifices for each of us!

By the way!  After I began writing this Steve called and said that he had just been extremely busy and didn't have the time to send an email.  Who knows perhaps the Lord allowed me to experience this today because He wanted to say something through me to help someone out there.  God bless you!

No Greater Love

Everyone who knows Steve and I always thought we had the perfect 'fairy tale' relationship, myself included.  He's always made my heart go pitter patter.  When we worked in different offices we would talk on our cell phones all the way home and my heart still always seemed to skip a beat when we pulled into the driveway.  However, much to my dismay I realized that I was losing Steve a few months before he left to go to Afghanistan.  We had been through so much together; years of struggling with a teenager with behavioral problems and mental illness, a failed business attempt with family, both of us losing our jobs and then faced with taking on the responsibility of raising Joshua when neither of us had jobs. I can't begin to describe how devastated I was when faced with this realization. When Steve left for Afghanistan in November of 2009 I had no idea what was going to become of our marriage.

After Steve arrived in Afghanistan he began sharing his thoughts and feelings with me.  He began apologizing to me for hurting me and explaining that he felt like a failure because he had not been providing me the things in life he felt I deserved.  The time apart had given us both the time to think about our lives, each other and realize just how much we really do love each other.  Now every day is Valentine’s Day for us filled with genuine, heartfelt I love yous, I miss yous, I can't wait to see you agains and you mean the world to mes.  When Steve was home on R and R in April of 2010 he made the comment, "The one thing I'm the most grateful for from this experience is the fact that you and I are tighter than we've ever been and I wouldn't trade that for anything."

I look back over the fifteen months that Steve has been gone and realize there are so many things to be grateful for.  How wonderful it is to see evidence of God working in our lives, even through those experiences that seem the most difficult and most painful.  It's from those situations we find the greatest blessings of all.

I know Steve loves me.  I knew he did when he left to go to Afghanistan.  To make the decision to go into a war zone in order to provide for his family takes an enormous amount of courage, self-sacrifice and love on a man's part. Especially when facing the fact that these sacrifices could include the ultimate sacrifice of losing his life.  It reminds me of John 15:13 “No one has greater love than to lay down his own life for his friends." Amplified Version   I can't begin to express how much I admire, respect, appreciate and love him for making the sacrifices he makes for us every day. I pray for God to watch over him, protect him and bring him home safely.

Jesus came into the world knowing that He would have to make the ultimate sacrifice for us.  The amazing thing is the fact that He would have made that same sacrifice if it were only for you or for me.  There's no greater love than that.  Who do you love?  Take the time to tell them today how much they mean to you because today is a gift and tomorrow is never promised. Happy Valentine’s Day!