I had what I refer to as a ‘meltdown’ last night. A ‘meltdown’ is when I am overcome with grief and a sense of not only loneliness but an awareness of actually being ‘ALONE’ while my husband is in Afghanistan. Steve has been in Afghanistan for a year and a half with the exception of R and R’s. And granted, a year and a half may not seem like much to someone who has been living this lifestyle for a longer period of time, but for us it is a lot. Steve and I worked together for nine years before he left, so this was quite a transition in lifestyle for us.
We get to see each other approximately sixty days a year. Sixty days of three hundred and sixty five days a year is not much time for a husband and a wife to be together. Last night it occurred to me that though I love him just as much if not more than I always have, he has become a familiar stranger to me. He is a familiar stranger that I love more than anything in this world. Why do I feel as though he’s a familiar stranger? I feel this way because we only get to spend sixty of three hundred and sixty five days together as a family. He is not here with us sharing the daily experiences of our lives with me and his family. He comes home for a couple of weeks and then we must cope and re-adjust to his absence again. There is so much he is missing out on in the lives of our children and time spent together.
Please don’t misunderstand me, I am extremely grateful and appreciative of the sacrifices he is making for his family and his country. We have so much to be thankful for. We are truly blessed simply to have the most basic of needs met as a result of his sacrifices when so many families are unemployed, homeless and hungry. I love him, appreciate him, respect and admire him more than words can express for his willingness to do what few men in comparison would be willing to do. It takes great courage for our men and women to take the risks they do in going over there. I am extremely proud and supportive of him, yet sometimes the costs seem so great.
For those of us left behind at home to care for our families, it can seem overwhelming sometimes. I know it is for me. There are days I miss him so much it is difficult to get out of bed. On days when I’m sick there is no one here to take care of me or the children or ‘things’, so I must maintain my title of caregiver even when I need to be the ‘carereciever’.
I have managed over the months to find my ‘closet’, that place of emotional and psychological safety, a refuge so to speak in order to cope and get through this experience. It’s difficult and often confusing when he comes home on R and R also. R and R’s are an emotional rollercoaster ride of highs and lows. We experience the thrill and excitement of him coming home while trying to ignore the sense of broken heartedness and dread of saying our good-bye’s when he has to depart again. Each R and R is so bittersweet. I personally found it extremely difficult the last time he came home. Though I wanted to come ‘out from the closet’ in order to be 100% present with him and enjoy our time together, a part of me wanted to stay inside the ‘closet’ in an attempt to escape as much as possible of the grieving process after his departure. This lifestyle really demands that you examine yourself and sends you along a journey of self-discovery and growth. Thus perhaps the feelings of ‘familiar strangers’ because I am not the same person Steve left here in November of 2009. Nor is he the same man that left. This experience changes a person, hopefully for the better in making us stronger and wiser.
Steve and I will be celebrating our tenth wedding anniversary on the 17th of this month. We will be celebrating it apart from each other from two different sides of the world. That’s certainly not how I imagined us spending it. Facing this has required me to do some really deep soul searching in order to prepare myself to get through it. One of my friends from this page is also going through a difficult time and sent me a message this morning saying she felt as though she is drowning. After our conversational exchanges I decided to write this and share what has helped me in hope that it may also be helpful to others.
I am a Christian and do not mean to offend anyone by what I am sharing. The Lord is my strength and He is what gets me through each day. There are days that I feel lonely, alone, disappointed, hurt or just tired. John 14:26 refers to the Holy Spirit as “the Comforter”. I’ve spent much of my time over the past several months asking for His comfort.
Steve and I want so much for him to be able to find a job stateside that would allow him to not only provide for his family but also be an active participant in the lives of his family. That is our hearts’ desire. It is difficult to desire those things which require sacrifice and/or suffering, and this lifestyle though it provides many blessings, does require sacrifice and suffering. As much as we desire for Steve to be able to stay at home, we desire the Lord’s will and purpose for our lives even more. I simply pray that if it is the Lord’s will for Steve to go back to Afghanistan the Lord will protect him and provide each of a state of contentment with it.
I would like for each of you to know that I pray for each of you on this page and your families every day. I pray that He will comfort each of you and your loved ones. I pray that He will protect you and your loved ones and return them home safely to their families.
Isaiah 41:10 says “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” This is what has gotten me through, God’s promises that He is with me, He is my God, He will strengthen and help me and He will uphold me. I hope you find as much comfort in His promises I do.
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