The Hands and Feet of Jesus

I have spent a great deal of time with the Lord this week, learning and growing in Him.  After learning the lesson I learned regarding obedience last Sunday, which I shared in my previous blog post, I felt the need to spend most of my time with Him.  I recognized that obedience was an area of my life that I needed to acknowledge, grow and move some mountains in my life.  The Lord has been helping me this week by revealing areas of disobedience and moving some of those mountains in my life regarding obedience to Him.

I have realized that though I have considered myself a Christian for many years, I have been an extremely disobedient and unruly child of God.  I’ve realized the difference between ‘provision’ and ‘blessing’.  Provision is when our basic needs are met.  Blessing is anything which exceeds provision.  Sometimes we are required to sacrifice even some of our most basic needs in order to learn obedience.  The Lord revealed to me this week that He has made provisions for me in my life, though I was being disobedient but He will not bless disobedience. 

For many years I was looking for ‘blessings’ from the Lord and feeling hurt and rejected when they didn’t come, all the while failing to recognize or acknowledge my disobedience in so many areas of my life. The truth is, the provisions He has made for me in comparison to my level of disobedience should be considered blessings, if that make sense.

The Lord has been trying for seven years to take me on a journey of healing, restoration, forgiveness, strengthening, learning and growing in Him by writing a book.  Not only would this book take me on a journey, but by sharing my journey with others would also allow them to take their own journey.  Yet, I disobeyed the Lord, listened to Satan’s lies and refused to take the journey by beginning to write. 

I’ve been financially disobedient to the Lord by not paying my tithes faithfully and consistently and giving Him what is His.  The heart, in which I did give, when I did give, was not a joyful heart, but a heart of greed and expectation. 

I have been disobedient in the area of witnessing to others.  Witnessing is the call the Lord places on us to share His truths with others and lead them to know Him.  This area is the area I’ve always been most intimidated by.  I would always think, “Oh Lord, I can’t impose on anyone’s belief system to share mine with them.”  I have known for a long time what the Lord has wanted me to do, yet I chose to be disobedient and was foolish enough to expect blessings.

It’s funny how those things in life that we find the most intimidating are so often the very things the Lord calls us to do.  I suppose He does that to demonstrate His ability, His strength and His power.  When we go into the deep waters, we are completely submitting and surrendering ourselves to Him and His will for our lives.  We are walking in blind faith, trusting Him completely. In our demonstration of faith we are being obedient and allowing Him to take us outside of our own understanding and our comfort zones for Him to show us,  it is not us and but Him.

We are called to be the hands and feet of Jesus.  He wants us to submit ourselves to Him allowing Him to use us as His instrument.  He wants us to be His arms to reach out to the hurting and the lost.  I have finally realized the importance of being obedient to the Lord and the call He has placed on my life as His child. 

I want to recognize, acknowledge and change every area of my life in which I am being disobedient to my Heavenly Father. It is not for blessings that I want to be obedient to Him.  It is because I love Him and I want Him to accomplish everything that He wants to accomplish through me.  He is not a mediocre God.  He is an awesome God!  He doesn’t deserve mediocrity from me.  He deserves for me to give Him my all and my best.  I have finally realized what an awesome privilege and honor it is to be the hands and feet of Jesus! 

The Battle Is God's

Yesterday was my grandson’s second birthday.  I had talked with my daughter, his mother on the phone the night before and had promised her I would take him to see her after church.  Though I don’t want to deprive either of them the opportunity to know each other and spend time together, I find it difficult to hear her speak of her illusions regarding my grandson which are so far from reality. She has illusions of me handing Joshua back over to her someday very soon when she still has so much to accomplish before that will happen.  It saddens me to see how far out of touch she is with reality.  I was not looking forward to facing this yesterday.

During the worship service in church yesterday I could sense a spirit of oppression all over me.  I was distracted and I failed miserably.  I could feel the Spirit of the Lord prompting me to raise my hands in praise to worship Him, yet I was not obedient.  Instead of raising my hands to praise Him and handing the struggle I was having with this spirit of oppression over to Him allowing Him to fight the battle for me, I chose to hold on to it and continue the struggle.

Pastor Chase came to me and asked me to share part of my testimony with the church.  I was caught off guard.  I wasn’t prepared.  I was distracted and still struggling because I had not been obedient to the Holy Spirit.  The devil would have loved nothing more than for me to have refrained from sharing part of my testimony.  Yet I agreed to do so even though I was struggling, so he didn’t win completely. 

I feel that because I was not obedient to the Holy Spirit and chose to remain in this struggle, I was distracted and failed to meet the mark so to speak.  Because I had failed to lift my hands in praise and because I held onto the struggle myself instead of handing it over to the Lord, the devil had succeeded in distracting my focus from the Lord where it needed to be.  I feel that because I was distracted and engaged in this struggle I failed to allow the Lord to use me to the full extent for Him to bless others.  I learned a very valuable lesson!  The battle was not for me to fight!  It was His battle to fight for me and He would have gladly done so if only I had been obedient to Him and handed it over to Him. 

It is so critical that we walk in constant obedience to the Lord in order to not miss a given opportunity.  I never want to miss another opportunity for the Lord to use me as His instrument to bless others to the fullest.  How wonderful it is to know that my God is an awesome God who will fight these battles for me and defeat the enemy if only I will walk in faithful obedience to Him. 

Exodus 14:14 tells us “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”  Deuteronomy 1:30 says “The Lord your God, who is going before you will fight for you in Egypt before your very eyes,” and in 4:22 “Do not be afraid of them; the Lord your God himself will fight for you.”  Joshua 23:10 says “One of you routs a thousand because the Lord your God fights for you, just as he promised.”  Nehemiah 4:20, “Wherever you hear the sound of the trumpet, join us there.  Our God will fight for us!”  2 Chronicles 20:15 tells us the battle is not ours but God’s.    I will be obedient because I never want to miss another opportunity.  I will hand the battles over to God and rest in His promises to fight the battles for me because they are His not mine.  I pray that whatever you’re battling today, you will hand it over to the Lord.  God Bless!

Away From Me Satan!

The devil started on me early this morning!  I woke up and checked the statistics on my blog and he said, “Ha! Only 25 viewed your blog yesterday!”  I said, “Yep!  That’s 25 people in 5 countries that would not have read it if I had not written it!”  Then he began trying to convince me I’m not mentally sound in thinking anything I would say might benefit someone else; that I’m annoying others with my blog as opposed to helping them; that completing and publishing a book is a pipe dream; people are reading my posts and laughing at me; and pointing out all of my weaknesses.

I sat on my patio this morning thinking, “I recognize the fact I am under attack, perhaps I need to focus on fighting this battle this morning as opposed to writing my blog post.”  Then it occurred to me, “That’s exactly what the devil wants!  He wants to discourage me and distract me!”  I told myself, “Get up, get on your knees in prayer, get into the Word and get busy writing”.  I knew I had to keep my focus on the Lord and not let the devil distract me and keep me from doing what the Lord has assigned me the task of doing.  So I came to my computer, opened my Bible, prayed and read Matthew 4:10 “Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’”

This is how we fall into the bottomless pit of depression.  The devil deceives us and distracts us from where our focus needs to be.  He wants us focusing on all the things that are wrong in our lives, all the hurt and pain we have experienced, all the wrongs we have endured asking ourselves, “What’s wrong with me?” and saying “Oh, poor pitiful me!”  The only thing wrong with us is us allowing the devil to deceive us and distract us.  God created each and every one of us in His wonderful image. He loved us enough to send his own very special Son to suffer and die on the cross for us so we could be reconciled with him. 

Please don’t let the devil win!  Don’t give him control over you!  Don’t let him deceive you and distract you!  Tell him, “Away from me Satan!”  Focus on those things which are good in your life.  You can begin by focusing on the greatest gift of all, the gift of salvation!   The gift of eternal life in paradise!  Our lives on this earth are not even a moment in time in comparison to eternity.  Don’t let the great deceiver deceive and distract you.  Get up! Get on your knees in prayer!  Get into the Word of God and His promises to you!  Be blessed!

Task Accomplished!

Being the child of an abusive alcoholic, I was never really taught how to receive or give love.  I’ve spent the majority of my life looking for love in all the wrong places and trying to earn the love of others.  Other than loving my mother and my siblings I think my first experience with truly loving someone was when I held my first child for the first time.  For months after she was born I was overwhelmed with the emotional attachment.  I had never experienced anything more powerful. When I was pregnant with my second child, for months prior to her being born I was concerned that I would not be able to love her as much as I did my first child.  I somehow felt that I would have to divide my love between them.  However, when she was born there was no division of love.  I loved them both equally.  My love was simply multiplied.  When I adopted our oldest daughter, she had been led to believe by others that I would never love her as much as I do my biological children.  However, one thing I have learned about love is that it doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from, love comes from the heart.  I came to love Holly just as much as I did my biological children.  Joshua is my grandson who I am raising and I couldn’t love him any more if her were my child.

Other than loving my children and my grandson I love my husband more than anything on this earth. He is my soul-mate, my best friend, my partner in life, my provider, my protector and my greatest supporter.  Ephesians 5:22-24 tells us “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”  I love my husband dearly.  I respect him, trust him, appreciate him, believe in him and have faith in him.  I share a connection, a bond with him that I’ve never experienced with anyone else.

Ephesians 5:25 tells the husbands, “Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”  As God’s children, we are the church.  The Lord loved us enough that he died on the cross for us before we were born, knew Him or ever loved Him. I know my husband loves me enough that he would give his life for me.  If he didn’t he would have never made the decision to go to Afghanistan and risk his life to care for and provide for me.

When the Lord revealed to me that He was not first in my life because my husband was, I was a bit overwhelmed.  I was willing to be obedient to Him but wasn’t sure how I was going to be able to actually do that.  It seemed like a huge task to me and I knew I was going to need the Lord’s help.  Deuteronomy 6:5 tells us “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and all your strength.”  Luke 14:26 says “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters – yes, even his own life – he cannot be my disciple.”

For a while after the Lord sent Steve to Afghanistan in order to make room for Himself in my life to help me come to put Him first and love Him above all others, I was angry and pouted with Him.  I was confused!  In Ephesians He tells us to love each and in Luke He tells us to hate our parents, our spouses, our siblings, etc.   Then I realized He didn’t mean for us to hate them, we are simply to love Him above all others and put Him first in our lives.

I was finally able to put Him first in my life. I was able to do this when I realized my desire to seek Him and be obedient to Him in order to remain in His will and purpose for my life comes first.  It was a rearrangement of priorities.  Over the course of my life I had developed a pattern of putting everyone else’s needs and wants before my own which often meant stepping out of the Lord’s will and purpose for my life.  However, I was still left with the challenge of loving Him above all others.

The Lord recently reminded me of a conversation our oldest daughter, Holly and I had after her dad and I had gotten married in which we were discussing love.  She told me that she was glad her dad and I had met and gotten married because he loved me a lot and he was happy.  She went on to say that he loved her also.  I could sense she was feeling that perhaps his love for me might mean his love was divided between us.  Much like I thought being a mother to multiple children would mean dividing my love between them.  I tried to reassure her by explaining to her that the love a husband feels for his wife and the love he feels for his children is in many ways a different kind of love, neither of which is less valuable or meaningful than the other.

I pondered this for a while and the various relationships in my life such as my husband, my children and grandchild, my mother, my siblings, etc.  I experienced my feelings changing for the Lord when He revealed to me that my relationship with Him is the most intimate relationship I will ever experience because though Steve knows me, Steve will never know my inner most thoughts, feelings and desires the way the Lord does.  The Lord knows my thoughts before I actually think them.  He knows my feelings before I actually feel them.  He knows my desires before I actually desire them.  Steve grew to love me.  The Lord loved me enough to die for me before I was ever born.  If that is the only thing the Lord ever did for me that was more than enough.  I began to have feelings unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life. A sense of peace and comfort that is unexplainable.  Then the Lord revealed to me a hierarchy of love.  We are to love Him above all others.  Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church.  Wives submit to your husbands as you do to the Lord, because the husband is the head of us as Christ is the head of the church.  This does not mean that we love anyone less or that our love is divided.  Just as I love my children in a different way than I love my husband doesn’t mean I love my children any less.  The love I have for my husband is a more intimate love because we are one and he knows me like no one else on this earth does.  The love I have for the Lord does not mean I love my husband any less.  The love I have for the Lord is a more intimate love because my relationship with Him is the most intimate relationship I will ever experience.  Task accomplished!  Lord I love You above all others and You are first in my life.

Turn Pain Into Joy

For the vast majority of my life I did not seek a personal relationship with the Lord.  Though I knew Him, I didn’t read His Word, communicate with Him through prayer, and seek His will and purpose for my life or His guidance and direction.  I drifted around like the lost child that I was feeling sorry myself and blaming everyone and everything around me for the painful things I had experienced in my life.  Not only was I being subjected to painful experiences but I was inflicting my pain onto others by doing and saying hurtful things.

The devil is the great deceiver who comes to steal, kill and destroy.  1 Peter 5:8 says “Be self-controlled and alert.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”  For so many years I was certainly not self-controlled and found myself in many bad situations as a result of bad choices and others who were not self-controlled.   The horrible things I have done and/or experienced in life were definitely the work of the devil. I was allowing him to use me in order to try to destroy others as he was using them to try to destroy me.  It took me realizing this to be able to forgive those who hurt me.  I don’t blame those people any longer because I realize they, like me were simply poor and lost souls who were also deceived.

Verses 9 through 11 goes on to tell us to “Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.  To Him be the power for ever and ever amen.”  In my opinion, it is impossible to ‘stand firm in the faith’ without being in an intimate and personal relationship with the Lord.  It is through His Word that we obtain the knowledge required to discern His truths from the lies in order to not be deceived.  It is through communication and prayer with Him that we learn to recognize His voice and adhere to His guidance, direction and leading.  When we are not doing these things we open ourselves up and subject ourselves to painful experiences in life.

The amazing thing is that God knew the choices and mistakes we were going to make before He created us and put us in this world, yet He loved us enough to create us anyway.  He loved us enough to send His only begotten Son to die on the cross for us in order to be reconciled with Him.  God is a God who gives us free will to make our own choices and decisions.  He knew the suffering we would endure from our choices before He created us.  It is from this suffering that we learn obedience while He cultivates us into the unique individuals He created us to become.  Hebrews 5:8 teaches us that Jesus himself learned obedience through suffering although He was the Son and once He was made perfect, He became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey Him.  Who are we to look at our experiences in life and feel we deserve to learn obedience through any other means.  The Son became the source of eternal salvation, what is He preparing you and I to become?

For many years I walked around with my head hung in shame and self-condemnation for the mistakes I had made through the course of my life.  It took me realizing that those things which the devil intended to destroy me, the Lord intends to use for my benefit and the benefit of His kingdom.  I can see now why the devil has tried so hard to destroy me.  He has wanted to destroy me because I have made so many mistakes in my life, been hurt so much and hurt so many that the Lord can use me as powerful weapon.  The wonderful thing is that my God is a miracle working God who can turn it all around.  All of the pain and suffering I have experienced and inflicted, He can use for my good and the good of others. 

The other day I was looking at the statistics of my blog and realized it is being viewed in fifteen countries around the world.  It is my prayer that the Lord is using me to encourage some of you to never give up, to seek Him and find hope in Him.  I know the Lord has to be using me to reach others because the devil tries to tell me every day that I am wasting my time when I sit down to write my post.  I refuse to be deceived any longer.  I WILL stand firm in my faith and I WILL be obedient to the Lord and I WILL allow Him to use me, my pain, my suffering and my experiences to reach others and do good for His kingdom.  He will make all the pain and suffering worthwhile and meaningful.  He will turn my pain into joy.  He can take my mess and make it my message to lead others to Him.  He can turn your pain into joy also, if you will only be obedient and seek Him. God Bless!

How Great Is Thy Thankfulness?

Last week my husband’s pay check was what I consider to be a substantial one due to receiving a bonus.  I was sitting on my patio enjoying a few moments of warm sunshine when it suddenly occurred to me the amount I would have to write the check for to pay our tithes this week.  I could almost sense the Lord laughing as He asked, “Oh, how great is thy thankfulness now? Would you prefer I provide Steve a job earning less income so you wouldn’t have to write such sizeable checks?” I laughed and replied, “Oh Lord, not really, not yet!”

For so long writing the checks in order to pay our tithes to the church often meant having to cut back on our spending for things we felt we needed.  Granted, we have never really gone without our needs being met but so often it was painful to give.  Leviticus 27:30 tells us a tithe of everything from the land, whether grain from the soil or fruit from the trees, belongs to the Lord.  Malachi 3:8 says, “Will a man rob God? Yet you rob me.  But you ask, ‘How do we rob you?’ “In tithes and offerings.” Proverbs 3:9-10 says to “Honor the Lord with your capital and sufficiency and with the firstfruits of all your income; so shall your storage places be filled with plenty, and your vats shall be overflowing with new wine.”

2 Corinthians 9:7 says “Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.  There are so many different opinions regarding tithing to the church now.   I personally recognize the fact that it's from God's mercy and grace that I recieve anything.  Therefore, I feel I should give 10% of everything He provides me.  When it was painful for us to give it was difficult to give cheerfully. For so long we did not pay our tithes because we didn’t feel we could afford to and we continued to struggle financially.  When we did pay them we gave not with a joyful heart but because we felt it was required of us even when it was painful to do so.  Deuteronomy 15:10 says “Give generously to him and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to.”

Yesterday I could not wait to write that check and place it in the offering plate.  Why?  Because I am so extremely grateful for the blessings He has provided us enabling us to write a check for that amount and give with a joyful heart.  I can’t praise Him and thank Him enough for His blessings.  How great is thy thankfulness?  My thankfulness is off the charts!  Please don't feel that my intentions are to bragg about our  blessings.  It is my intention only to share with you how thankful I am for His blessings and a joyful heart.

Mercy House

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God Is The One Waiting

My husband, Steve and I are in the midst of making some choices and decisions in our lives regarding our future.  Though I recognize how extremely critical it is that we seek the Lord’s guidance in making the decisions we are faced with making, I did not realize until this morning just how critical the process of making these decisions is.

If you have read my story you know I do not have a history of making very wise choices and decisions throughout the course of my life.  I have made so many unwise choices that recently I have felt paralyzed with fear of making the wrong choices.  I know that fear is not of the Lord.  Fear represents doubt and distrust which is not of the Lord.

Yesterday, in my post “A Letter to My DCC Family” I shared with you the fact Steve and I have grown weary of being apart.  We want so much for him to find a job stateside allowing him to be at home with his family.  However, as much as we desire to be together, we desire the Lord’s will more and pray for His will, His purpose and His plan for our lives.  We know the Lord’s plan for our lives will provide the best outcome, an outcome greater than we could ever hope for.

I also shared with you yesterday that though this lifestyle provides its benefits, it also requires a great deal of sacrifice and suffering. If it is the Lord’s will for Steve to remain in Afghanistan, we pray He will make that the desire of our hearts and provide us peace and contentment with it.

In a conversation with my mother last night, I shared with her my reluctance to accept the fact that it may be the Lord’s will for Steve to remain in Afghanistan.  I also shared with her that I realized my reluctance may be because it is difficult for sacrifice and suffering to be your heart’s desire.

In an email from my husband last night he presented another possible option that would allow us to eventually be together but would require him to remain in Afghanistan awhile longer.  He said it would require more sacrifice and suffering but with our love for each other, God’s strength and help we could get through it.  We agreed this morning to pray about it and discuss what each of us feel the Lord is leading us to do.

This morning at church Pastor Chase preached on deception, disobedience, God’s goodness and remaining in His will and purpose for our lives.  Sometimes I honestly wonder if anyone else is getting anything from Pastor Chase’s messages because I feel as though he is talking directly to me.  He addresses my thoughts, feelings, concerns, lessons learned all while opening my eyes and teaching me so much.

This morning I realized that I am in the Lord’s will for my life right now at this moment and it is such a wonderful feeling.  I know I am in His will because I see Him working.  I see Him moving.  I see Him teaching and revealing things to me.  I know that in order to remain in His will and purpose I must meditate on His Word, His promises and His truth in order to not be deceived by doubt and mistrust.  I will focus on the liberties He has provided me and not the restrictions.

It is my desire to remain in His will for my life fulfilling the purpose and plans He has for me.  Nothing good comes from outside of God’s will.  Anything outside of His will for us will only lead to sorrow and I have experienced enough of that in my life.

In regard to desiring sacrifice and suffering, Hebrews 5:7-8 tells us that even Jesus learned obedience by the things He suffered.  Desire sacrifice and suffering?  That is not an easy task at all.  However, to learn obedience through suffering and sacrifice seems more tolerable if it is our desire to be obedient.  Who am I that I should not have to sacrifice and suffer in order to learn obedience when Jesus himself did?

Pastor Chase left me with this: “Temptation often precedes the point of provision.  Hold on even if you have to suffer awhile longer.”  Please pray with me that Steve and I will not lose our focus and be deceived.  Please pray with me that we will recognize God’s leading and remain in His will for our lives.

On the way home from church I laughed because the Lord revealed to me that all this time I thought I have been waiting for Him.  However, He instead has been the One waiting for me.  He has been waiting for me to get my priorities in order and open the eyes He has given me to see and the ears He has given me to hear.  My first priority is to be obedient to the Lord.  As long as that is my heart’s desire, everything else will fall into its perfect place.  Are you waiting for God or is He waiting for you today?  God Bless!

The Comforter: A Letter to My DCC Family

I had what I refer to as a ‘meltdown’ last night.  A ‘meltdown’ is when I am overcome with grief and a sense of not only loneliness but an awareness of actually being ‘ALONE’ while my husband is in Afghanistan.  Steve has been in Afghanistan for a year and a half with the exception of R and R’s.  And granted, a year and a half may not seem like much to someone who has been living this lifestyle for a longer period of time, but for us it is a lot.  Steve and I worked together for nine years before he left, so this was quite a transition in lifestyle for us.

We get to see each other approximately sixty days a year.  Sixty days of three hundred and sixty five days a year is not much time for a husband and a wife to be together. Last night it occurred to me that though I love him just as much if not more than I always have, he has become a familiar stranger to me.  He is a familiar stranger that I love more than anything in this world.  Why do I feel as though he’s a familiar stranger?  I feel this way because we only get to spend sixty of three hundred and sixty five days together as a family.  He is not here with us sharing the daily experiences of our lives with me and his family.  He comes home for a couple of weeks and then we must cope and re-adjust to his absence again. There is so much he is missing out on in the lives of our children and time spent together.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I am extremely grateful and appreciative of the sacrifices he is making for his family and his country.  We have so much to be thankful for.  We are truly blessed simply to have the most basic of needs met as a result of his sacrifices when so many families are unemployed, homeless and hungry.  I love him, appreciate him, respect and admire him more than words can express for his willingness to do what few men in comparison would be willing to do.  It takes great courage for our men and women to take the risks they do in going over there.  I am extremely proud and supportive of him, yet sometimes the costs seem so great.

For those of us left behind at home to care for our families, it can seem overwhelming sometimes.  I know it is for me.  There are days I miss him so much it is difficult to get out of bed.  On days when I’m sick there is no one here to take care of me or the children or ‘things’, so I must maintain my title of caregiver even when I need to be the ‘carereciever’.

I have managed over the months to find my ‘closet’, that place of emotional and psychological safety, a refuge so to speak in order to cope and get through this experience.  It’s difficult and often confusing when he comes home on R and R also.  R and R’s are an emotional rollercoaster ride of highs and lows.  We experience the thrill and excitement of him coming home while trying to ignore the sense of broken heartedness and dread of saying our good-bye’s when he has to depart again.  Each R and R is so bittersweet.  I personally found it extremely difficult the last time he came home.  Though I wanted to come ‘out from the closet’ in order to be 100% present with him and enjoy our time together, a part of me wanted to stay inside the ‘closet’ in an attempt to escape as much as possible of the grieving process after his departure.  This lifestyle really demands that you examine yourself and sends you along a journey of self-discovery and growth.  Thus perhaps the feelings of ‘familiar strangers’ because I am not the same person Steve left here in November of 2009.  Nor is he the same man that left.  This experience changes a person, hopefully for the better in making us stronger and wiser.

Steve and I will be celebrating our tenth wedding anniversary on the 17^th of this month. We will be celebrating it apart from each other from two different sides of the world.  That’s certainly not how I imagined us spending it.  Facing this has required me to do some really deep soul searching in order to prepare myself to get through it.  One of my friends from this page is also going through a difficult time and sent me a message this morning saying she felt as though she is drowning.  After our conversational exchanges I decided to write this and share what has helped me in hope that it may also be helpful to others. 

I am a Christian and do not mean to offend anyone by what I am sharing. The Lord is my strength and He is what gets me through each day.  There are days that I feel lonely, alone, disappointed, hurt or just tired.  John 14:26 refers to the Holy Spirit as “the Comforter”.  I’ve spent much of my time over the past several months asking for His comfort. 

Steve and I want so much for him to be able to find a job stateside that would allow him to not only provide for his family but also be an active participant in the lives of his family.  That is our hearts’ desire.  It is difficult to desire those things which require sacrifice and/or suffering, and this lifestyle though it provides many blessings, does require sacrifice and suffering.  As much as we desire for Steve to be able to stay at home, we desire the Lord’s will and purpose for our lives even more.  I simply pray that if it is the Lord’s will for Steve to go back to Afghanistan the Lord will protect him and provide each of a state of contentment with it.

I would like for each of you to know that I pray for each of you on this page and your families every day.  I pray that He will comfort each of you and your loved ones.  I pray that He will protect you and your loved ones and return them home safely to their families. 

Isaiah 41:10 says “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”  This is what has gotten me through, God’s promises that He is with me, He is my God, He will strengthen and help me and He will uphold me.  I hope you find as much comfort in His promises I do.

Let Go and Let God

It is said that patience is a virtue, yet it is not one of my strongest characteristics.  Proverbs 14:29 says “A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly.”  I suppose it would be safe to assume this scripture clearly explains the consequences of so many of my actions during the course of my life.  

Job 6:11 says “What strength do I have, that I should still hope? What prospects, that I should be patient?” If you’re like me it can sometimes seem that the end will never come when you’re going through a difficult experience in life.  It can be frustrating when you’re waiting for something to happen and it just doesn’t happen soon enough to satisfy us.  My generation is a very spoiled generation that wants what we want and we want it now.  Instead of waiting on the Lord, His perfect timing and His grace to see us through our difficult times, we all too often step out ahead of Him and act independently.  This is when we get ourselves into a mess and miss out on much of what the Lord has in store for us. 

I don’t pray for patience anymore because it seems I’ve had to exercise it so much in my life, yet it remains a muscle that can’t seem to be worked into shape for me.  Oh and believe me, each day presents sufficient opportunity to exercise it without me having to pray for it. 

It is during these difficult times that we must also exercise our faith and trust in the Lord to accomplish those things that seem so impossible.  He is truly the only One who can provide a great outcome for us.  So there comes a time when we have to let go and let God have our situation to do what only He can do.  So with whatever it is you may be facing today, LET GO AND LET GOD!

Don't Be Deceived

For a long time I blamed others for my problems and my pain.  A part of forgiving others is undertanding that Satan is the source of our problems and our pain.  He works through others to cause us pain and if we're not careful he can deceive us and cause us to hurt others through our words and actions.  He can also deceive us and cause us to make bad choices that can cause problems for ourselves. For so many years of my life I made bad choices because I felt I had no other choice.  The truth is I always had another choice. John 10:10 refers to Satan as the thief who comes only to steal and kill and destroy.  He will try to  deceive us in anyway he can in order to steal our joy and destroy our lives.

In order to prevent ourselves from being deceived we must have knowledge of the truth, God's truth.  We gain that knowledge by spending time in His presence through prayer and His Word.  As Christians we should never stop learning and growing as children of God.  Spend time with Him today and everyday.  God Bless!