This is Just Killing Me!

Approximately fifteen years ago I was working with a doctor as his insurance coordinator.  In an attempt to better understand each of us working with him, he felt compelled to have each of us in the office obtain our Kolbe personality profiles.  Each of us took our questionnaire’s, went to our work stations, read each question carefully, answered our most likely and least likely responses to each given scenario and then we waited for the results.   When the results arrived we all went to lunch together where the doctor read each of our personality profiles aloud and we had to identify whom the profile belonged to.  A wonderful lady named Ginger and my profiles were the most easily identified profiles because each of us was on the extreme opposite ends of the spectrum. 

Ginger was a wonderful, care-free, bubbly, happy-go-lucky and perky individual that was always in a good mood.  Nothing seemed to ever upset her.  I remember realizing it was her profile the doctor was reading as soon as he said, “fly by the seat of your pants individual whose thoughts crystallize as they exit your mouth”.  LOL!   She made me laugh and I did look forward to seeing her each day because she was extremely pleasant to be around.  Though she was a wonderful person and I cared very much for her, working with her in a team format on any given project was something that I knew we simply could not do because our ‘modes of operation’ were so very different.  To put it simply, a fly by the seat of my pants individual, I am not.

My Kolbe Personality Profile identified me as the “Strategic Planner whose creativity is in establishing priorities for carrying out plans that are precise and efficient” or in other words as my boss/friend recently told me, “You’re so anal”.  Putting it nicely, I’m the kind of person who likes to gather all of the facts, analyze them, and when I begin the project I like to have the entire process mapped out from point A to point Z with any possible diversions considered and resolutions already in place should these diversions arise.  I like things clean, neat, organized and very well planned out.  The profile advised me that in order for me to avoid stress in my life I should resist: acting amidst chaos; flying by the seat of my pants; jumping in at the last moment; adlibbing; taking unnecessary risks; dealing with too many unknowns; and environments of constant change. 

It was funny because as the doctor read my profile it seemed as though the person who wrote it mysteriously had some insight into my actual work situation.  My office was in the back of the storage/break room and the back door.  Every single time someone came back there for anything it served as an interruption that drove me nuts which the doctor had heard me complain about on numerous occasions.  My profile specifically stated that I am an individual who does not like interruptions and needs my very own, personal and private work area.  It wasn’t long before I had my very own office with its own reception area and an assistant!

For some reason I remembered this personality profile the other day and decided to pull it out and read over it again.  I couldn’t help but laugh as I read it because it provided such a detailed and accurate description of who I was and who I still am.  I realized that it’s no wonder why I’m so stressed all of the time as I reviewed those factors I should resist in order to avoid stress: acting amidst chaos; flying by the seat of my pants; jumping in at the last moment; adlibbing; taking unnecessary risks; dealing with too many unknowns; and environments of constant change.  I realized that every single one of those factors has completely consumed my life!

Raising a child who is mentally disabled and constantly having to jump in at the last moment to provide solutions amidst all the chaos in order to try to save her from herself; a husband working overseas in the middle of a war zone always wondering if we’re taking unnecessary risks, having to deal with all the unknowns and fears associated with this lifestyle; having to adlib, fly by the seat of my pants, deal with unknowns, etc., etc., etc., with raising a two year old and a teenager on my own; and finally every time I think I have established a course for my life the Lord seems to laugh at me as He throws me in a different direction.

As my husband and I lay in bed last night talking before we finally drifted off to sleep I told him, “All I want is some peace in my life, is that too much to ask for?  I try to be a good person.  I’ve been obedient and have done what it is I feel the Lord has asked me to do by writing the book and revealing every single humiliating thing I’ve ever done or that has happened to me in my life in order to reach those who are where I once was. All I want is to be able to have my husband at home where he can be a functional part of my day to day life instead of being 8500 miles away in the middle of a war zone and still be able to pay our bills in order to survive.  Is that really too much to ask for?”  Then as I rolled over to go to sleep I asked, “Lord, what do you want from me?”

As I was reflecting over all of this information this morning I realized that though my mode of operation may be my most functional and productive mode, it doesn’t require me to step out of my comfort zone to explore new areas, learn new things about myself and others and grow.  I realized that as long as I’m in my comfort zone I’m not required to look to, acknowledge and lean on others’ strengths in comparison to my weaknesses. 

This morning through the course of writing this blog post I’ve realized that the Lord wants to keep me out of my comfort zone, yet I have been fighting and resisting Him trying my best to find my way back to it.  He doesn’t want me in my comfort zone because none of us should have peace or comfort in our zones which are based on earthly things.  He wants us looking to, acknowledging and leaning on Him.  If our hope, trust, faith and confidence are in Him then so should our comfort zones be in Him even if  arriving at that point goes against every single fiber of our human nature. I also realized that instead of trying to function in my mode of operation, I should be more open and receptive to functioning in His mode of operation.  As Christians shouldn’t it be our desire to discard our earthly human nature and seek to think and act more like Christ?   Aren't we required to die to self?  So, when I say, “This is just killing me!” I suppose the Lord is thrilled and saying, “Great!”  The only way we can ever cross over into completely trusting in Him and becoming more like Him is to step out in faith and trust Him to be there with open and loving arms to find peace, rest and comfort in Him.  Peace and comfort come from nothing in this world, only from our Heavenly Father. 

The Ultimate Test of Faith

When we are going through difficult situations in life it can be easy to submit to self-pity.  We may begin to examine our lives and our hearts looking for flaws, faults, mistakes and sin within ourselves as we may ask “Oh God!  Why have you forsaken and abandoned me?  What is wrong with me?  Why do I feel so separated from you?   What am I not understanding?  What must I do?” 

As we enter into this state of self-pity we must be on guard because we open ourselves up to deception by the Great Deceiver himself.  He will bring up our pasts and throw every condemnation he possibly can to justify why our Lord has abandoned us.  However, the truth is that our Lord has promised to never forsake us or abandon us.

I am going through a situation in my life right now in which I am fighting falling into Satan’s traps of deception.  My husband came home to be with his family after working in Afghanistan for two years.  He made the decision to come home after being told “Come on back home.  I’ll look out for you.  You have a job waiting for you.”  Then after he came back home the job wasn’t there waiting and things have not transpired as we expected and had hoped.   We have prayed and asked God to open doors and provide a job for my husband enabling him to provide for his family and those doors simply have not been opened yet.  Therefore, I have asked myself those questions mentioned above so many times over the past couple of weeks while seeking solutions and answers.   

Satan has tried to convince me that God has abandoned us and that I am not worthy of God’s love.  He has told me it is impossible for such a holy and pure God to love someone like me. Yet, God’s Word tells me differently.  I know God loves me because he sent his one and only very special Son to die on a cross for me so I can be with him.  When I accepted the Lord as my personal savior my past was not only forgiven but also forgotten.  

I don’t believe Satan’s lies when he tries to use my past against me to force me back into a pit of self-condemnation.  My God has not condemned me due to my past mistakes and the things that have happened to me.  I truly believe that God can turn it all around and use my past for the glory of his kingdom, which is why I feel he wanted me to write a book.  Satan has even used the money we had to pay the publicist to promote the book against me.  He has tried to use what I feel is God’s assigned purpose for me as a weapon of guilt by telling me “Your family sure could use that money right now, couldn’t they?  Instead you’ve gone off chasing silly pipe dreams wanting to believe that God wants to use you and your experiences in some way. Who do you think you are?”

Over the course of the past few weeks I have examined every area of my relationship with the Lord looking for weaknesses while trying to discover what it is I am missing in order to learn and grow from this experience in order to move beyond it.  I truly believe that the Lord would never simply withhold answers from me.  Yet, I have prayed for answers and solutions that have not yet come and find it difficult at times to not become discouraged.  It is difficult to not become overwhelmed with worry and fear because though I am not above suffering, I would gladly make any sacrifice in order to not see my family suffer.  That is what worries the most. I’ve wondered if I should ask someone for help, then I question how God is supposed to demonstrate his infinite power if I’m out there grasping for a lifeline?   When you’re on a sinking ship it is difficult to refrain from calling out for help and asking someone to throw you a life preserver.  However, in this situation I have resigned myself to stand firm and accept the Lord’s will instead of mine; His works not mine.  Don’t get me wrong, I truly believe that I am supposed to do the best I can in any situation in life while trusting God in all things and that is exactly what I decided to do when I heard, “Be still and know that I am God.” 

Last night during the course of my self-examination my faith was called into question.  The Lord has told us that with the faith of a mustard seed we could move mountains.  A mustard seed is the tiniest of all seeds.  I know I have the faith of at the very least a mustard seed, yet why do my prayers seem to go unanswered?  Why is He not throwing us a lifeline to save us from this imminent future of gloom and doom that my family seems to be facing?  At that moment it occurred to me that though I have hope and faith, I am not truly trusting in Him enough to BELIEVE with my entire heart and soul that He will provide.  I realized that I have been searching for my own lifeline just in case He doesn’t respond.  So then the question that kept me up last night was “Why would He not respond?  Why would He not provide a solution?”

This morning as I was reading I came across 1 Peter 5:10-11 which says, “May the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.  To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen.” So, there was my answer. I may be required to suffer a while in order for Him to perfect, establish, strengthen and settle me.  After a while He will deliver me by His works, not mine. Jesus Himself learned obedience through suffering so who I am to expect or feel that I should deserve anything less? Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying it is not my desire to suffer and my human instincts tell me to try to grasp onto the first lifeline I can find.  However, it is my desire to be all the Lord wants me to be and if that means suffering in order for Him to shape me and mold me into whatever it is He wants me to be in order for Him to use me then so be it!  I MUST be willing to do so with an open heart while truly BELIEVING it is all a part of His perfect plan for my life.  I feel like I am undergoing the ultimate test of faith at this point in my life.  It is a test that I MUST pass!

Peaks and Valleys

In life there are peaks and there are valleys.  When you’re on a peak it’s easy to look down into the valleys that you’ve come through and see where you’ve made mistakes and the lessons you’ve learned.  The view is clear and pristine from up high upon the peak.

However, when you’re in a valley the view is extremely limited.  Sometimes it may seem as though the climb is far too steep and far too high to ever make it out.  Sometimes you can feel overcome, tired and weary.  Sometimes we may feel like just giving up, but if we do, we forfeit the growth opportunities from the lessons that are yet to be learned.  Some situations in life are extremely difficult.  There are times I ask the Lord to help me learn the lesson as quickly as possible, to teach me what He wants me to learn and help me find my way out of the valley as quickly as possible.  It’s no fun being there!  Yet, we don’t know what He may have in store for us in that valley.  If we travel through it too quickly, we may miss something along the way!

From up high on one of the peaks in our lives we may feel closer to the Lord because things are going well and we can look down and see what the Lord has revealed to us and from where He has brought us.  When we’re down in the valley we may feel lost, far away from Him and abandoned by Him.  We must remember His promise in Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." It is through these times that we must lean on Him the most.  He is always there with us especially in the valleys.  We never know who He may place along one of our pathways to offer a hand up, or even to use us as blessing to them in some way.  The Lord has a purpose in everything He does because whatever situation we’re going through, He knew we would go through it before He ever brought us into this world.  We can NEVER give up!  We have to keep doing the best we can and keep trying. 

I am in a valley right now and keep reminding myself of the Lord’s promise to me in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  When we’re in a valley it is then that we must exercise hope, trust, faith and belief the most. It’s easy to let fear set in and occupy our minds but what positive can come from fear?  There is nothing positive in fear.  Fear demonstrates a lack of hope, trust, faith and belief.  Fear is a sin that obstructs our view and prevents us from making our way out of the valley.  We must be thankful for the valleys as well as the peaks. We must be thankful for the growth which can occur from traveling through them.  We must learn to be content and at peace in whatever state we are in during any situation in life.  That is true hope, trust, faith and belief.