Riding the Storm

For the past few weeks I have felt like I have been on board a boat being tossed around the raging waters during a violent storm.  When Steve came home from Afghanistan as thrilled as I was to have him home, there was a period of adjustment for all of us.  We all had our routines and suddenly there was no routine at all. Everything seemed so chaotic and for me that was difficult.  There was also the fact that nothing went as we had planned for it to go in regard to him finding employment which threw me into a state of panic. 

During that time I examined my relationship with the Lord very closely and at one point asked, “God, where are you? Why have you abandoned me? I can’t feel you and I can’t see you.”  Yet, everywhere I looked there were constant reminders that He was right there with me, He had a plan and a purpose in everything and He was still very much in control even though things were not going as we had planned and expected.  Every time I would open my Bible, read a devotional or a Bible study His Word was reminding me of His promises to me.  "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Hebrews 13:5  "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" Rom 8:32 “And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus” Philippians 4:19 ''Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.'' Joshua 1:9 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 and these are just a few! He was trying so hard to get through to me to let me know that He loves me, He is always with me and He has a plan for me, it is just a plan which differs from the plans I had made. 

We can go through situations in life in which it seems like everything in our lives as we know it is falling apart and we can feel like someone has pulled the rug from underneath our feet.  We can find ourselves in a state of panic and turmoil while trying to find solid ground to stand on and regain some control in an attempt to keep everything from falling apart and salvage as much as we can of our lives as we know it.  And that is exactly how I have felt over the past few weeks. That is exactly how the devil wants us to feel.  As long as we are in a state of panic and worrying about what may or may not happen, we are distracted and we are not listening to that small voice of the Lord telling us everything will be okay.  

One thing I have learned from everything I have been through during the past weeks is that sometimes the Lord shakes us to make us examine our relationship with Him in order for us to grow in Him. Sometimes our lives as we know it must fall apart in order for us to realize what truly matters to us and in order for Him to help us rebuild a life which is more rewarding and fulfilling without all of the distractions we have accumulated.  The wonderful thing is that if we place our hope and our faith in Him, He is always right there to catch us. 

For so many years Steve and I lived above our means in an attempt to provide better for our daughters than what we could afford.  Being the child of an abusive alcoholic I always felt beneath the other kids.  I never felt good enough and felt as though they all looked down on me. I always felt like it was a constant struggle to try to fit in and be accepted by the others.  A low self-esteem is something that I still struggle with today.  I never wanted my girls to experience that.  Steve and I got so caught up in trying to maintain a lifestyle that we truly couldn’t afford that we became driven workaholics caught up in a daily struggle trying to keep the balance in maintaining a lifestyle we could not afford.  I reached a point that I could not enjoy the career I truly loved because I had become so driven by a dollar and as much as I hated the fact, I was too absorbed and consumed to walk away from it.  I remember telling Steve a few years ago how I longed for a simple lifestyle, one that could be enjoyed without struggling all the time.

When Steve was in Afghanistan I was so miserable.  I missed him so much and felt so alone.  The time always seemed to pass by so slowly when he was away and would fly by when he was at home on R and R.  There were days I felt like I was literally breaking inside from the grief I was experiencing from him being away. There were so many times I thought, “How wonderful it would be to live a simple life in which my husband can be an active member participating in the day to day functions of my life! How wonderful it would be to be able to enjoy the simple things life has to offer.”

When Steve came home and things didn’t go as we had planned I fell into a state of panic until Monday morning when I realized there are a couple of things that I have to let go of in order to live a simpler lifestyle without the struggle.  As soon as I realized that, I felt as though a tremendous weight had been lifted off of me.  I woke up yesterday morning feeling very blessed, at peace and happy.  All of our needs are met, I was able to kiss my husband good-bye as he left for work and he was at home waiting for me when I came home from work. This morning I woke up feeling the best I have felt in such a long time.  Life is good!  Sometimes we just have to ride the storm out to reach our destination.  Never lose hope and never lose faith because the Lord is always there steering the ship through the rough waters in the midst of the storm.

 

So Little!

After reading my post on Saturday, a friend asked if I had written it specifically for her.  She shared with me that she is going through a terrible situation in life and feels alone, bitter and angry.  My friend shared with me that she was losing her faith because she had done everything she felt she could do and asked, “Why won’t He help me?”

As I shared with you in that post, I too had begun to question and evaluate my relationship with the Lord wondering why He wasn’t answering my prayer.  I had evaluated every aspect of myself, my life and my relationship with Him wondering where I was falling short.  I had researched the reasons why the Lord doesn’t answer our prayers and learned the following reasons are why He doesn’t answer prayer: Sin, Unforgiveness, Lack of Persistence, Doubt, Wrong Motives, Not Praying According to God's Will, and Not Listening to Godly Counsel. http://www.lovesark.net/prayer/unansweredprayer.html   I’ve also learned that just because a prayer has not yet been answered does not mean it will not be answered.  We have to listen to Him when He says, “Be still and know that I am God.”

The day I wrote the blog post that triggered the conversation between my friend and I, I too was feeling abandoned and confused.  I was faced with having to say “good-bye” to my husband again because the decision had been made for him to return to Afghanistan to work in order to provide for our family.  I had prayed for a different outcome.  When the prayer seemed to go unanswered I began to evaluate every aspect of my life and my relationship with the Lord asking why He wasn’t answering my prayer.  After such close examination I determined that it simply had to be the Lord’s will for my husband to go back to Afghanistan.  As much as the thoughts of him going back broke my heart I had resigned myself to accept it as the Lord’s will.  The next day, Sunday I prayed, “Lord this is so hard for me.  I feel like I’m dying inside.  Having to live my life with him so far away and knowing that he is in such danger seems to be more than I take again.  I had hoped and prayed these days were behind us.  Lord I know you love me and your will for us is to give us hope and a future.  Lord, give us strength to get through this.  Please Lord, watch over him, protect him and bring him home safely to us. As hard as this is Lord, Your will be done.” 

Later that afternoon my husband was offered a job stateside.  The person who offered my husband the job had not offered it sooner because they thought my husband may have felt the position was beneath him and it was offered as a last resort to keep him from having to go back.  The truth is my husband would have taken a job doing anything in order to be able to stay at home with his family.  This person who thought what they were offering was so little truly has no concept of what a blessing that offer was to us. When my friend that I had had the referenced conversation with heard the news, she said she was so happy for us and that this news had given her renewed hope. Not only had this person been a blessing to us but had also through their actions given someone they don’t know renewed hope.

Sometimes the Lord will wait to answer our prayers in order to test our faith.  Sometimes He wants to know that we are truly seeking His will, His plan and His purpose for our lives regardless of how much it may not coincide with our wants.  I believe this was my test.  We never know who the Lord has placed in our lives to reach out and offer a helping hand at what may seem like the last minute.  If you can do something to help someone, even if it seems to be so little, don’t hold back.  What may seem so little to you may make a world of difference in someone’s life.  God Bless!

This is Just Killing Me!

Approximately fifteen years ago I was working with a doctor as his insurance coordinator.  In an attempt to better understand each of us working with him, he felt compelled to have each of us in the office obtain our Kolbe personality profiles.  Each of us took our questionnaire’s, went to our work stations, read each question carefully, answered our most likely and least likely responses to each given scenario and then we waited for the results.   When the results arrived we all went to lunch together where the doctor read each of our personality profiles aloud and we had to identify whom the profile belonged to.  A wonderful lady named Ginger and my profiles were the most easily identified profiles because each of us was on the extreme opposite ends of the spectrum. 

Ginger was a wonderful, care-free, bubbly, happy-go-lucky and perky individual that was always in a good mood.  Nothing seemed to ever upset her.  I remember realizing it was her profile the doctor was reading as soon as he said, “fly by the seat of your pants individual whose thoughts crystallize as they exit your mouth”.  LOL!   She made me laugh and I did look forward to seeing her each day because she was extremely pleasant to be around.  Though she was a wonderful person and I cared very much for her, working with her in a team format on any given project was something that I knew we simply could not do because our ‘modes of operation’ were so very different.  To put it simply, a fly by the seat of my pants individual, I am not.

My Kolbe Personality Profile identified me as the “Strategic Planner whose creativity is in establishing priorities for carrying out plans that are precise and efficient” or in other words as my boss/friend recently told me, “You’re so anal”.  Putting it nicely, I’m the kind of person who likes to gather all of the facts, analyze them, and when I begin the project I like to have the entire process mapped out from point A to point Z with any possible diversions considered and resolutions already in place should these diversions arise.  I like things clean, neat, organized and very well planned out.  The profile advised me that in order for me to avoid stress in my life I should resist: acting amidst chaos; flying by the seat of my pants; jumping in at the last moment; adlibbing; taking unnecessary risks; dealing with too many unknowns; and environments of constant change. 

It was funny because as the doctor read my profile it seemed as though the person who wrote it mysteriously had some insight into my actual work situation.  My office was in the back of the storage/break room and the back door.  Every single time someone came back there for anything it served as an interruption that drove me nuts which the doctor had heard me complain about on numerous occasions.  My profile specifically stated that I am an individual who does not like interruptions and needs my very own, personal and private work area.  It wasn’t long before I had my very own office with its own reception area and an assistant!

For some reason I remembered this personality profile the other day and decided to pull it out and read over it again.  I couldn’t help but laugh as I read it because it provided such a detailed and accurate description of who I was and who I still am.  I realized that it’s no wonder why I’m so stressed all of the time as I reviewed those factors I should resist in order to avoid stress: acting amidst chaos; flying by the seat of my pants; jumping in at the last moment; adlibbing; taking unnecessary risks; dealing with too many unknowns; and environments of constant change.  I realized that every single one of those factors has completely consumed my life!

Raising a child who is mentally disabled and constantly having to jump in at the last moment to provide solutions amidst all the chaos in order to try to save her from herself; a husband working overseas in the middle of a war zone always wondering if we’re taking unnecessary risks, having to deal with all the unknowns and fears associated with this lifestyle; having to adlib, fly by the seat of my pants, deal with unknowns, etc., etc., etc., with raising a two year old and a teenager on my own; and finally every time I think I have established a course for my life the Lord seems to laugh at me as He throws me in a different direction.

As my husband and I lay in bed last night talking before we finally drifted off to sleep I told him, “All I want is some peace in my life, is that too much to ask for?  I try to be a good person.  I’ve been obedient and have done what it is I feel the Lord has asked me to do by writing the book and revealing every single humiliating thing I’ve ever done or that has happened to me in my life in order to reach those who are where I once was. All I want is to be able to have my husband at home where he can be a functional part of my day to day life instead of being 8500 miles away in the middle of a war zone and still be able to pay our bills in order to survive.  Is that really too much to ask for?”  Then as I rolled over to go to sleep I asked, “Lord, what do you want from me?”

As I was reflecting over all of this information this morning I realized that though my mode of operation may be my most functional and productive mode, it doesn’t require me to step out of my comfort zone to explore new areas, learn new things about myself and others and grow.  I realized that as long as I’m in my comfort zone I’m not required to look to, acknowledge and lean on others’ strengths in comparison to my weaknesses. 

This morning through the course of writing this blog post I’ve realized that the Lord wants to keep me out of my comfort zone, yet I have been fighting and resisting Him trying my best to find my way back to it.  He doesn’t want me in my comfort zone because none of us should have peace or comfort in our zones which are based on earthly things.  He wants us looking to, acknowledging and leaning on Him.  If our hope, trust, faith and confidence are in Him then so should our comfort zones be in Him even if  arriving at that point goes against every single fiber of our human nature. I also realized that instead of trying to function in my mode of operation, I should be more open and receptive to functioning in His mode of operation.  As Christians shouldn’t it be our desire to discard our earthly human nature and seek to think and act more like Christ?   Aren't we required to die to self?  So, when I say, “This is just killing me!” I suppose the Lord is thrilled and saying, “Great!”  The only way we can ever cross over into completely trusting in Him and becoming more like Him is to step out in faith and trust Him to be there with open and loving arms to find peace, rest and comfort in Him.  Peace and comfort come from nothing in this world, only from our Heavenly Father. 

The Ultimate Test of Faith

When we are going through difficult situations in life it can be easy to submit to self-pity.  We may begin to examine our lives and our hearts looking for flaws, faults, mistakes and sin within ourselves as we may ask “Oh God!  Why have you forsaken and abandoned me?  What is wrong with me?  Why do I feel so separated from you?   What am I not understanding?  What must I do?” 

As we enter into this state of self-pity we must be on guard because we open ourselves up to deception by the Great Deceiver himself.  He will bring up our pasts and throw every condemnation he possibly can to justify why our Lord has abandoned us.  However, the truth is that our Lord has promised to never forsake us or abandon us.

I am going through a situation in my life right now in which I am fighting falling into Satan’s traps of deception.  My husband came home to be with his family after working in Afghanistan for two years.  He made the decision to come home after being told “Come on back home.  I’ll look out for you.  You have a job waiting for you.”  Then after he came back home the job wasn’t there waiting and things have not transpired as we expected and had hoped.   We have prayed and asked God to open doors and provide a job for my husband enabling him to provide for his family and those doors simply have not been opened yet.  Therefore, I have asked myself those questions mentioned above so many times over the past couple of weeks while seeking solutions and answers.   

Satan has tried to convince me that God has abandoned us and that I am not worthy of God’s love.  He has told me it is impossible for such a holy and pure God to love someone like me. Yet, God’s Word tells me differently.  I know God loves me because he sent his one and only very special Son to die on a cross for me so I can be with him.  When I accepted the Lord as my personal savior my past was not only forgiven but also forgotten.  

I don’t believe Satan’s lies when he tries to use my past against me to force me back into a pit of self-condemnation.  My God has not condemned me due to my past mistakes and the things that have happened to me.  I truly believe that God can turn it all around and use my past for the glory of his kingdom, which is why I feel he wanted me to write a book.  Satan has even used the money we had to pay the publicist to promote the book against me.  He has tried to use what I feel is God’s assigned purpose for me as a weapon of guilt by telling me “Your family sure could use that money right now, couldn’t they?  Instead you’ve gone off chasing silly pipe dreams wanting to believe that God wants to use you and your experiences in some way. Who do you think you are?”

Over the course of the past few weeks I have examined every area of my relationship with the Lord looking for weaknesses while trying to discover what it is I am missing in order to learn and grow from this experience in order to move beyond it.  I truly believe that the Lord would never simply withhold answers from me.  Yet, I have prayed for answers and solutions that have not yet come and find it difficult at times to not become discouraged.  It is difficult to not become overwhelmed with worry and fear because though I am not above suffering, I would gladly make any sacrifice in order to not see my family suffer.  That is what worries the most. I’ve wondered if I should ask someone for help, then I question how God is supposed to demonstrate his infinite power if I’m out there grasping for a lifeline?   When you’re on a sinking ship it is difficult to refrain from calling out for help and asking someone to throw you a life preserver.  However, in this situation I have resigned myself to stand firm and accept the Lord’s will instead of mine; His works not mine.  Don’t get me wrong, I truly believe that I am supposed to do the best I can in any situation in life while trusting God in all things and that is exactly what I decided to do when I heard, “Be still and know that I am God.” 

Last night during the course of my self-examination my faith was called into question.  The Lord has told us that with the faith of a mustard seed we could move mountains.  A mustard seed is the tiniest of all seeds.  I know I have the faith of at the very least a mustard seed, yet why do my prayers seem to go unanswered?  Why is He not throwing us a lifeline to save us from this imminent future of gloom and doom that my family seems to be facing?  At that moment it occurred to me that though I have hope and faith, I am not truly trusting in Him enough to BELIEVE with my entire heart and soul that He will provide.  I realized that I have been searching for my own lifeline just in case He doesn’t respond.  So then the question that kept me up last night was “Why would He not respond?  Why would He not provide a solution?”

This morning as I was reading I came across 1 Peter 5:10-11 which says, “May the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.  To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen.” So, there was my answer. I may be required to suffer a while in order for Him to perfect, establish, strengthen and settle me.  After a while He will deliver me by His works, not mine. Jesus Himself learned obedience through suffering so who I am to expect or feel that I should deserve anything less? Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying it is not my desire to suffer and my human instincts tell me to try to grasp onto the first lifeline I can find.  However, it is my desire to be all the Lord wants me to be and if that means suffering in order for Him to shape me and mold me into whatever it is He wants me to be in order for Him to use me then so be it!  I MUST be willing to do so with an open heart while truly BELIEVING it is all a part of His perfect plan for my life.  I feel like I am undergoing the ultimate test of faith at this point in my life.  It is a test that I MUST pass!