Beautiful Jewels

A few months ago I was having a conversation with a friend.  She told me there was something she wanted to tell me but wasn’t ready yet to tell me.  During the course of our conversation my friend said to me, “I’m concerned about you because you’re weak and I don’t want to see you taken advantage of or hurt and that’s all I’m going to say about it for now.”

After our conversation, I went home worried and upset, wondering what she had seen in me that would imply weakness.  I was thinking about all the things I have been through in my life.  I had always considered myself to be a pretty strong individual because I had dealt with so much over the years; an abusive, alcoholic father, spousal abuse, rape, infidelity, a husband who abused drugs, a child undergoing open-heart surgery, raising a mentally disabled child, raising a grandchild, and a husband working in Afghanistan in the middle of a war zone.  This accusation of weakness without explanation was simply baffling to say the least.

Seeking answers and understanding I went into my closet, closed the doors and fell on my face in prayer asking the Lord to reveal this weakness to me.  After praying I listened! This is what I heard: “In my Father’s Kingdom there are many jewels; rubies, pearls, emeralds, sapphires and diamonds.  You are a diamond that must be refined and without blemish in order to fulfill the purpose for which the Father created you.”  I thought, “Refined diamond?”  I went to my computer and searched “refined diamonds”.  A refined diamond is a diamond that undergoes a process of enormous stress by being subjected to intense heat and tremendous pressure to remove impurities and unwanted elements.  It occurred to me that the events of my life, everything I had been through had been a part of the refining process; a process to “remove unwanted elements”. Then I thought, “Without blemish?  Without blemish means perfection.  No one is perfect!  There is no way in the world anyone can be perfect and without blemishes.”

Later that afternoon I spoke with my friend again and asked her to explain why she considered me to be weak.  She replied, “Alecia, you are one of the kindest people I’ve ever known.  You have such a loving and giving heart and I’m concerned that your kindness will allow people to take advantage of you.”  “Oh!  Thank God!” I thought.  If things like kindness, loving and giving are weaknesses then I’m okay with that!

However, over the course of the past few months this “without blemish” issue has bothered me.  I have processed its meaning so many times and felt defeated by it,  realizing there is no way I will ever be without blemishes in this world. A few nights ago Steve and I were discussing it and I shared my thoughts with him.  I told him the only conclusion I can come to is that I am required to live my life by walking a fine line, the camel through the eye of a needle kind of life while striving to be as much like Christ as I can possibly be each and every day.

Most days I feel more like the grain of sand or irritant prior to entering the oyster or the mussel than I do a jewel of any kind.  So many of us face enormous stress and pressure on a daily basis, sometimes to the point that we may feel defeated and want to give up. The mountains before us may seem far too high to climb.  However, we must go on! We all must remember that He loves us tremendously and “greater is He that is in me than he that is the world”.  He has promised to never forsake us or abandon us. If we fail to complete the refining process, then we never become the beautiful jewels that each of us is meant to become.  

Riding the Storm

For the past few weeks I have felt like I have been on board a boat being tossed around the raging waters during a violent storm.  When Steve came home from Afghanistan as thrilled as I was to have him home, there was a period of adjustment for all of us.  We all had our routines and suddenly there was no routine at all. Everything seemed so chaotic and for me that was difficult.  There was also the fact that nothing went as we had planned for it to go in regard to him finding employment which threw me into a state of panic. 

During that time I examined my relationship with the Lord very closely and at one point asked, “God, where are you? Why have you abandoned me? I can’t feel you and I can’t see you.”  Yet, everywhere I looked there were constant reminders that He was right there with me, He had a plan and a purpose in everything and He was still very much in control even though things were not going as we had planned and expected.  Every time I would open my Bible, read a devotional or a Bible study His Word was reminding me of His promises to me.  "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Hebrews 13:5  "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" Rom 8:32 “And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus” Philippians 4:19 ''Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.'' Joshua 1:9 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 and these are just a few! He was trying so hard to get through to me to let me know that He loves me, He is always with me and He has a plan for me, it is just a plan which differs from the plans I had made. 

We can go through situations in life in which it seems like everything in our lives as we know it is falling apart and we can feel like someone has pulled the rug from underneath our feet.  We can find ourselves in a state of panic and turmoil while trying to find solid ground to stand on and regain some control in an attempt to keep everything from falling apart and salvage as much as we can of our lives as we know it.  And that is exactly how I have felt over the past few weeks. That is exactly how the devil wants us to feel.  As long as we are in a state of panic and worrying about what may or may not happen, we are distracted and we are not listening to that small voice of the Lord telling us everything will be okay.  

One thing I have learned from everything I have been through during the past weeks is that sometimes the Lord shakes us to make us examine our relationship with Him in order for us to grow in Him. Sometimes our lives as we know it must fall apart in order for us to realize what truly matters to us and in order for Him to help us rebuild a life which is more rewarding and fulfilling without all of the distractions we have accumulated.  The wonderful thing is that if we place our hope and our faith in Him, He is always right there to catch us. 

For so many years Steve and I lived above our means in an attempt to provide better for our daughters than what we could afford.  Being the child of an abusive alcoholic I always felt beneath the other kids.  I never felt good enough and felt as though they all looked down on me. I always felt like it was a constant struggle to try to fit in and be accepted by the others.  A low self-esteem is something that I still struggle with today.  I never wanted my girls to experience that.  Steve and I got so caught up in trying to maintain a lifestyle that we truly couldn’t afford that we became driven workaholics caught up in a daily struggle trying to keep the balance in maintaining a lifestyle we could not afford.  I reached a point that I could not enjoy the career I truly loved because I had become so driven by a dollar and as much as I hated the fact, I was too absorbed and consumed to walk away from it.  I remember telling Steve a few years ago how I longed for a simple lifestyle, one that could be enjoyed without struggling all the time.

When Steve was in Afghanistan I was so miserable.  I missed him so much and felt so alone.  The time always seemed to pass by so slowly when he was away and would fly by when he was at home on R and R.  There were days I felt like I was literally breaking inside from the grief I was experiencing from him being away. There were so many times I thought, “How wonderful it would be to live a simple life in which my husband can be an active member participating in the day to day functions of my life! How wonderful it would be to be able to enjoy the simple things life has to offer.”

When Steve came home and things didn’t go as we had planned I fell into a state of panic until Monday morning when I realized there are a couple of things that I have to let go of in order to live a simpler lifestyle without the struggle.  As soon as I realized that, I felt as though a tremendous weight had been lifted off of me.  I woke up yesterday morning feeling very blessed, at peace and happy.  All of our needs are met, I was able to kiss my husband good-bye as he left for work and he was at home waiting for me when I came home from work. This morning I woke up feeling the best I have felt in such a long time.  Life is good!  Sometimes we just have to ride the storm out to reach our destination.  Never lose hope and never lose faith because the Lord is always there steering the ship through the rough waters in the midst of the storm.

 

So Little!

After reading my post on Saturday, a friend asked if I had written it specifically for her.  She shared with me that she is going through a terrible situation in life and feels alone, bitter and angry.  My friend shared with me that she was losing her faith because she had done everything she felt she could do and asked, “Why won’t He help me?”

As I shared with you in that post, I too had begun to question and evaluate my relationship with the Lord wondering why He wasn’t answering my prayer.  I had evaluated every aspect of myself, my life and my relationship with Him wondering where I was falling short.  I had researched the reasons why the Lord doesn’t answer our prayers and learned the following reasons are why He doesn’t answer prayer: Sin, Unforgiveness, Lack of Persistence, Doubt, Wrong Motives, Not Praying According to God's Will, and Not Listening to Godly Counsel. http://www.lovesark.net/prayer/unansweredprayer.html   I’ve also learned that just because a prayer has not yet been answered does not mean it will not be answered.  We have to listen to Him when He says, “Be still and know that I am God.”

The day I wrote the blog post that triggered the conversation between my friend and I, I too was feeling abandoned and confused.  I was faced with having to say “good-bye” to my husband again because the decision had been made for him to return to Afghanistan to work in order to provide for our family.  I had prayed for a different outcome.  When the prayer seemed to go unanswered I began to evaluate every aspect of my life and my relationship with the Lord asking why He wasn’t answering my prayer.  After such close examination I determined that it simply had to be the Lord’s will for my husband to go back to Afghanistan.  As much as the thoughts of him going back broke my heart I had resigned myself to accept it as the Lord’s will.  The next day, Sunday I prayed, “Lord this is so hard for me.  I feel like I’m dying inside.  Having to live my life with him so far away and knowing that he is in such danger seems to be more than I take again.  I had hoped and prayed these days were behind us.  Lord I know you love me and your will for us is to give us hope and a future.  Lord, give us strength to get through this.  Please Lord, watch over him, protect him and bring him home safely to us. As hard as this is Lord, Your will be done.” 

Later that afternoon my husband was offered a job stateside.  The person who offered my husband the job had not offered it sooner because they thought my husband may have felt the position was beneath him and it was offered as a last resort to keep him from having to go back.  The truth is my husband would have taken a job doing anything in order to be able to stay at home with his family.  This person who thought what they were offering was so little truly has no concept of what a blessing that offer was to us. When my friend that I had had the referenced conversation with heard the news, she said she was so happy for us and that this news had given her renewed hope. Not only had this person been a blessing to us but had also through their actions given someone they don’t know renewed hope.

Sometimes the Lord will wait to answer our prayers in order to test our faith.  Sometimes He wants to know that we are truly seeking His will, His plan and His purpose for our lives regardless of how much it may not coincide with our wants.  I believe this was my test.  We never know who the Lord has placed in our lives to reach out and offer a helping hand at what may seem like the last minute.  If you can do something to help someone, even if it seems to be so little, don’t hold back.  What may seem so little to you may make a world of difference in someone’s life.  God Bless!

This is Just Killing Me!

Approximately fifteen years ago I was working with a doctor as his insurance coordinator.  In an attempt to better understand each of us working with him, he felt compelled to have each of us in the office obtain our Kolbe personality profiles.  Each of us took our questionnaire’s, went to our work stations, read each question carefully, answered our most likely and least likely responses to each given scenario and then we waited for the results.   When the results arrived we all went to lunch together where the doctor read each of our personality profiles aloud and we had to identify whom the profile belonged to.  A wonderful lady named Ginger and my profiles were the most easily identified profiles because each of us was on the extreme opposite ends of the spectrum. 

Ginger was a wonderful, care-free, bubbly, happy-go-lucky and perky individual that was always in a good mood.  Nothing seemed to ever upset her.  I remember realizing it was her profile the doctor was reading as soon as he said, “fly by the seat of your pants individual whose thoughts crystallize as they exit your mouth”.  LOL!   She made me laugh and I did look forward to seeing her each day because she was extremely pleasant to be around.  Though she was a wonderful person and I cared very much for her, working with her in a team format on any given project was something that I knew we simply could not do because our ‘modes of operation’ were so very different.  To put it simply, a fly by the seat of my pants individual, I am not.

My Kolbe Personality Profile identified me as the “Strategic Planner whose creativity is in establishing priorities for carrying out plans that are precise and efficient” or in other words as my boss/friend recently told me, “You’re so anal”.  Putting it nicely, I’m the kind of person who likes to gather all of the facts, analyze them, and when I begin the project I like to have the entire process mapped out from point A to point Z with any possible diversions considered and resolutions already in place should these diversions arise.  I like things clean, neat, organized and very well planned out.  The profile advised me that in order for me to avoid stress in my life I should resist: acting amidst chaos; flying by the seat of my pants; jumping in at the last moment; adlibbing; taking unnecessary risks; dealing with too many unknowns; and environments of constant change. 

It was funny because as the doctor read my profile it seemed as though the person who wrote it mysteriously had some insight into my actual work situation.  My office was in the back of the storage/break room and the back door.  Every single time someone came back there for anything it served as an interruption that drove me nuts which the doctor had heard me complain about on numerous occasions.  My profile specifically stated that I am an individual who does not like interruptions and needs my very own, personal and private work area.  It wasn’t long before I had my very own office with its own reception area and an assistant!

For some reason I remembered this personality profile the other day and decided to pull it out and read over it again.  I couldn’t help but laugh as I read it because it provided such a detailed and accurate description of who I was and who I still am.  I realized that it’s no wonder why I’m so stressed all of the time as I reviewed those factors I should resist in order to avoid stress: acting amidst chaos; flying by the seat of my pants; jumping in at the last moment; adlibbing; taking unnecessary risks; dealing with too many unknowns; and environments of constant change.  I realized that every single one of those factors has completely consumed my life!

Raising a child who is mentally disabled and constantly having to jump in at the last moment to provide solutions amidst all the chaos in order to try to save her from herself; a husband working overseas in the middle of a war zone always wondering if we’re taking unnecessary risks, having to deal with all the unknowns and fears associated with this lifestyle; having to adlib, fly by the seat of my pants, deal with unknowns, etc., etc., etc., with raising a two year old and a teenager on my own; and finally every time I think I have established a course for my life the Lord seems to laugh at me as He throws me in a different direction.

As my husband and I lay in bed last night talking before we finally drifted off to sleep I told him, “All I want is some peace in my life, is that too much to ask for?  I try to be a good person.  I’ve been obedient and have done what it is I feel the Lord has asked me to do by writing the book and revealing every single humiliating thing I’ve ever done or that has happened to me in my life in order to reach those who are where I once was. All I want is to be able to have my husband at home where he can be a functional part of my day to day life instead of being 8500 miles away in the middle of a war zone and still be able to pay our bills in order to survive.  Is that really too much to ask for?”  Then as I rolled over to go to sleep I asked, “Lord, what do you want from me?”

As I was reflecting over all of this information this morning I realized that though my mode of operation may be my most functional and productive mode, it doesn’t require me to step out of my comfort zone to explore new areas, learn new things about myself and others and grow.  I realized that as long as I’m in my comfort zone I’m not required to look to, acknowledge and lean on others’ strengths in comparison to my weaknesses. 

This morning through the course of writing this blog post I’ve realized that the Lord wants to keep me out of my comfort zone, yet I have been fighting and resisting Him trying my best to find my way back to it.  He doesn’t want me in my comfort zone because none of us should have peace or comfort in our zones which are based on earthly things.  He wants us looking to, acknowledging and leaning on Him.  If our hope, trust, faith and confidence are in Him then so should our comfort zones be in Him even if  arriving at that point goes against every single fiber of our human nature. I also realized that instead of trying to function in my mode of operation, I should be more open and receptive to functioning in His mode of operation.  As Christians shouldn’t it be our desire to discard our earthly human nature and seek to think and act more like Christ?   Aren't we required to die to self?  So, when I say, “This is just killing me!” I suppose the Lord is thrilled and saying, “Great!”  The only way we can ever cross over into completely trusting in Him and becoming more like Him is to step out in faith and trust Him to be there with open and loving arms to find peace, rest and comfort in Him.  Peace and comfort come from nothing in this world, only from our Heavenly Father. 

The Ultimate Test of Faith

When we are going through difficult situations in life it can be easy to submit to self-pity.  We may begin to examine our lives and our hearts looking for flaws, faults, mistakes and sin within ourselves as we may ask “Oh God!  Why have you forsaken and abandoned me?  What is wrong with me?  Why do I feel so separated from you?   What am I not understanding?  What must I do?” 

As we enter into this state of self-pity we must be on guard because we open ourselves up to deception by the Great Deceiver himself.  He will bring up our pasts and throw every condemnation he possibly can to justify why our Lord has abandoned us.  However, the truth is that our Lord has promised to never forsake us or abandon us.

I am going through a situation in my life right now in which I am fighting falling into Satan’s traps of deception.  My husband came home to be with his family after working in Afghanistan for two years.  He made the decision to come home after being told “Come on back home.  I’ll look out for you.  You have a job waiting for you.”  Then after he came back home the job wasn’t there waiting and things have not transpired as we expected and had hoped.   We have prayed and asked God to open doors and provide a job for my husband enabling him to provide for his family and those doors simply have not been opened yet.  Therefore, I have asked myself those questions mentioned above so many times over the past couple of weeks while seeking solutions and answers.   

Satan has tried to convince me that God has abandoned us and that I am not worthy of God’s love.  He has told me it is impossible for such a holy and pure God to love someone like me. Yet, God’s Word tells me differently.  I know God loves me because he sent his one and only very special Son to die on a cross for me so I can be with him.  When I accepted the Lord as my personal savior my past was not only forgiven but also forgotten.  

I don’t believe Satan’s lies when he tries to use my past against me to force me back into a pit of self-condemnation.  My God has not condemned me due to my past mistakes and the things that have happened to me.  I truly believe that God can turn it all around and use my past for the glory of his kingdom, which is why I feel he wanted me to write a book.  Satan has even used the money we had to pay the publicist to promote the book against me.  He has tried to use what I feel is God’s assigned purpose for me as a weapon of guilt by telling me “Your family sure could use that money right now, couldn’t they?  Instead you’ve gone off chasing silly pipe dreams wanting to believe that God wants to use you and your experiences in some way. Who do you think you are?”

Over the course of the past few weeks I have examined every area of my relationship with the Lord looking for weaknesses while trying to discover what it is I am missing in order to learn and grow from this experience in order to move beyond it.  I truly believe that the Lord would never simply withhold answers from me.  Yet, I have prayed for answers and solutions that have not yet come and find it difficult at times to not become discouraged.  It is difficult to not become overwhelmed with worry and fear because though I am not above suffering, I would gladly make any sacrifice in order to not see my family suffer.  That is what worries the most. I’ve wondered if I should ask someone for help, then I question how God is supposed to demonstrate his infinite power if I’m out there grasping for a lifeline?   When you’re on a sinking ship it is difficult to refrain from calling out for help and asking someone to throw you a life preserver.  However, in this situation I have resigned myself to stand firm and accept the Lord’s will instead of mine; His works not mine.  Don’t get me wrong, I truly believe that I am supposed to do the best I can in any situation in life while trusting God in all things and that is exactly what I decided to do when I heard, “Be still and know that I am God.” 

Last night during the course of my self-examination my faith was called into question.  The Lord has told us that with the faith of a mustard seed we could move mountains.  A mustard seed is the tiniest of all seeds.  I know I have the faith of at the very least a mustard seed, yet why do my prayers seem to go unanswered?  Why is He not throwing us a lifeline to save us from this imminent future of gloom and doom that my family seems to be facing?  At that moment it occurred to me that though I have hope and faith, I am not truly trusting in Him enough to BELIEVE with my entire heart and soul that He will provide.  I realized that I have been searching for my own lifeline just in case He doesn’t respond.  So then the question that kept me up last night was “Why would He not respond?  Why would He not provide a solution?”

This morning as I was reading I came across 1 Peter 5:10-11 which says, “May the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.  To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen.” So, there was my answer. I may be required to suffer a while in order for Him to perfect, establish, strengthen and settle me.  After a while He will deliver me by His works, not mine. Jesus Himself learned obedience through suffering so who I am to expect or feel that I should deserve anything less? Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying it is not my desire to suffer and my human instincts tell me to try to grasp onto the first lifeline I can find.  However, it is my desire to be all the Lord wants me to be and if that means suffering in order for Him to shape me and mold me into whatever it is He wants me to be in order for Him to use me then so be it!  I MUST be willing to do so with an open heart while truly BELIEVING it is all a part of His perfect plan for my life.  I feel like I am undergoing the ultimate test of faith at this point in my life.  It is a test that I MUST pass!

Peaks and Valleys

In life there are peaks and there are valleys.  When you’re on a peak it’s easy to look down into the valleys that you’ve come through and see where you’ve made mistakes and the lessons you’ve learned.  The view is clear and pristine from up high upon the peak.

However, when you’re in a valley the view is extremely limited.  Sometimes it may seem as though the climb is far too steep and far too high to ever make it out.  Sometimes you can feel overcome, tired and weary.  Sometimes we may feel like just giving up, but if we do, we forfeit the growth opportunities from the lessons that are yet to be learned.  Some situations in life are extremely difficult.  There are times I ask the Lord to help me learn the lesson as quickly as possible, to teach me what He wants me to learn and help me find my way out of the valley as quickly as possible.  It’s no fun being there!  Yet, we don’t know what He may have in store for us in that valley.  If we travel through it too quickly, we may miss something along the way!

From up high on one of the peaks in our lives we may feel closer to the Lord because things are going well and we can look down and see what the Lord has revealed to us and from where He has brought us.  When we’re down in the valley we may feel lost, far away from Him and abandoned by Him.  We must remember His promise in Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." It is through these times that we must lean on Him the most.  He is always there with us especially in the valleys.  We never know who He may place along one of our pathways to offer a hand up, or even to use us as blessing to them in some way.  The Lord has a purpose in everything He does because whatever situation we’re going through, He knew we would go through it before He ever brought us into this world.  We can NEVER give up!  We have to keep doing the best we can and keep trying. 

I am in a valley right now and keep reminding myself of the Lord’s promise to me in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  When we’re in a valley it is then that we must exercise hope, trust, faith and belief the most. It’s easy to let fear set in and occupy our minds but what positive can come from fear?  There is nothing positive in fear.  Fear demonstrates a lack of hope, trust, faith and belief.  Fear is a sin that obstructs our view and prevents us from making our way out of the valley.  We must be thankful for the valleys as well as the peaks. We must be thankful for the growth which can occur from traveling through them.  We must learn to be content and at peace in whatever state we are in during any situation in life.  That is true hope, trust, faith and belief.

Love on Purpose

This morning on the way to work I passed a church and their motto on their sign was “Loving people on purpose”.  I couldn’t help but think what a better world this would be if we all practiced that.  Far too many walk around in their grumpy moods taking their frustrations out on anyone who comes into their paths.  Many churches would have to offer more worship services and expand their buildings in order to accommodate all who would pass through their doors and take up residence if they just practiced loving people more.  I know I plan to visit the church that loves people on purpose.

I can’t tell you how many people have told me that they don’t attend church anymore because of gossip, clicks and being made to feel like an outcast in the Lord’s house.  As Christians we are the ‘church’ and we should be exhibiting the fruits of the Spirit, the greatest of which is love.  I would like to challenge you to love people on purpose; not only in your churches but out in public.  Let the light of love from the Holy Spirit living within you shine through you and make someone’s day, today and every day. 

Glow in the Glory of the Lord

I had the privilege of attending a service at my church last night with guest speaker, Kimberly Taylor.  Kimberly has thirty years of preaching experience, is a recording artist with a beautiful voice, songwriter and has been seen on TBN with Evangelist Nancy Harmon.  It was a wonderful service.  There were a couple of times during the service that I chuckled not because I found anything humorous but because I could all too well relate to some things she said.  For example, she shared with some people there that the Lord was going to take them into “another room” in regard to the spiritual realm where some would think they were crazy.  I chuckled because over the course of the past few months and the journey the Lord has taken me on, there have been times that I have been concerned that some may think I’ve lost my mind and gone crazy.  The great news is that I’ve reached a point in my faith and my relationship the Lord that I really don’t care what others may think.  I really don’t care if some think I’m crazy or not and for me that is a huge accomplishment.  For far too long I’ve been too concerned about what others may think of me instead of what my Heavenly Father thinks of me, when His opinion is the only one that truly matters.

Kimberly also shared with us that she had attended a women’s conference in which one of the evening sessions continued until after midnight.  She said that when she entered the elevator to go up to her room, the hip-hop/rap entertainer Usher and his band entered the elevator with her.  She shared with us how they were all looking at her funny and one of the band members, I believe she said his name was Carlos, looked at her and apologized for the way they were all looking at her but they were doing so because she was “glowing”.  She explained that the ‘glow’ was the glory of the Lord upon her.  “WOW!” I thought.  To glow in the glory of the Lord, that is where I want to go.  Matthew 17:1-8 “Jesus was transfigured.  His face shone like the Sun and his clothes were white” Hebrews 1:3 “The Son is the radiance of God’s glory”  2 Corinthians 3:7-18  Verse 18 “And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” 

Have you ever seen a Christian and saw something in them that you were not sure what it was you saw in them, but recognized its beauty and wished you could have it also?  It is the Holy Spirit of the Lord within them.  I want the Lord to take me into ‘another room’ and I truly don’t care if some think I’ve gone mad.  I want to learn and grow and be filled with His Holy Spirit.  I want Him to use me for His purpose and His kingdom.  I want to walk in complete confidence, faith and trust in the Lord to the point there is no separation from Him.  I want to be so filled with the Holy Spirit that I too, glow in the glory of the Lord.  I want to walk filled with the Spirit of God, overflowing with Joy and with the Light of the Lord shining through my eyes, hands and feet unto the world.

When All Means Fail by David Wilkerson

Following is a blog post Mr. David Wilkerson posted on his blog site prior to his death in an automobile accident later that same day.  I find such comfort and reassurance in his words.  I’m going through a time in my life now in which I am praying, seeking answers, and trying to find the balance of functioning in this world while walking in faith, trusting the Lord and doing what He has called me to do.   There are days that I am under Satan’s attacks in which he is telling me some of the very things Mr. Wilkerson referenced in his blog post. 

I have witnessed the Lord moving mountains in my life recently, yet because I haven’t received all the answers I am seeking, Satan tries to steal the joy of those victories from me.  Patience is not my strongest asset.  I always want the answers, the miracles, the solutions to come immediately.  One thing the Lord revealed to me this morning during my prayer time with Him is this, “Sometimes we must wait for the Lord because the period of waiting provides the lesson we must learn. The rewards and blessings are not always in the miracles but are sometimes in the lessons learned and the growth obtained during those times of waiting.”  I pray you find peace and comfort in Mr. Wilkerson’s words as well.  God bless!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

WHEN ALL MEANS FAIL

“To believe when all means fail is exceedingly pleasing to God and is most acceptable. Jesus said to Thomas, “You have believed because you have seen, but blessed are those that do believe and have not seen” (John 20:29).

Blessed are those who believe when there is no evidence of an answer to prayer—who trust beyond hope when all means have failed.

Someone has come to the place of hopelessness—the end of hope—the end of all means. A loved one is facing death and doctors give no hope. Death seems inevitable. Hope is gone. The miracle prayed for is not happening.

That is when Satan’s hordes come to attack your mind with fear, anger, overwhelming questions: “Where is your God now? You prayed until you had no tears left. You fasted. You stood on promises. You trusted.”

Blasphemous thoughts will be injected into your mind: “Prayer failed. Faith failed. Don’t quit on God—just do not trust him anymore. It doesn’t pay!”

Even questioning God’s existence will be injected into your mind. These have been the devices of Satan for centuries. Some of the godliest men and women who ever lived were under such demonic attacks.

To those going through the valley and shadow of death, hear this word: Weeping will last through some dark, awful nights—and in that darkness you will soon hear the Father whisper, “I am with you. I cannot tell you why right now, but one day it will all make sense. You will see it was all part of my plan. It was no accident. It was no failure on your part. Hold fast. Let me embrace you in your hour of pain.”

Beloved, God has never failed to act but in goodness and love. When all means fail—his love prevails. Hold fast to your faith. Stand fast in his Word. There is no other hope in this world.”  By David Wilkerson

If Tomorrow Never Comes

Yesterday I attended the funeral of a friend who passed away at the age of fifty-five.  She had been diagnosed with cancer four months ago and died Sunday night, Easter Sunday. During the funeral service yesterday, the Pastor told everyone that she had told him she wanted to make sure she knew where she was going when she left this world.  He assured everyone that she was in Heaven sitting at the feet of Jesus.  My friend left her mother, her husband, a son and a daughter behind.  I’m so glad my friend had the opportunity to make sure she would be with the Father in Heaven and for those four months she and her husband had to say good-bye to each other. 

 

I watched her husband yesterday as he tried so hard to be strong and assure everyone he was okay.  He has Multiple Sclerosis and the disease is taking its toll on him as he is now walking with a cane. Through the diagnosis and progression of the disease and now his wife’s death he has managed to always keep a positive attitude and is always “okay”.  I will always remember his wife as being upbeat and happy.  If he should leave this world before me, I will remember him as being positive and strong.  I sat there yesterday reflecting over the memories of my friend and wondered what will be said about me when I leave this world. 

I know there are some people that will only remember the mistakes I’ve made, the bad things I’ve done regardless of how many wonderful things I may do or accomplish before I leave this world.  I know that I’ve spent far too much of my life working, fighting, sacrificing some of the very things that are truly the most important to me in order to try to obtain ‘things’, ‘possessions’ for our family.

I’ve realized the most important things to me are my relationship with the Lord, what I do for His kingdom and my family. When I leave this world, I will not be able to take the possessions I’ve worked so hard to obtain with me and they will not matter to the ones I love and that love me.  What will truly matter will be the memories I leave behind because when I am gone from here, my only remaining existence will be the memories I’ve created and left with loved ones.  When those loved ones are gone, my only existence will be the influence I’ve had with loved ones that they have passed on to their loved ones.

I pray that the Lord will help me to make the most of each day, to take advantage of every opportunity to do good and be a witness for Him, to be a positive influence on my loved ones and leave them with wonderful, happy and positive memories, to never fail to let the ones I love know how much they mean to me if tomorrow never comes. 

I would like to encourage you to take advantage of the opportunity to make sure of where you will spend enternity.  Many of us may not have a four month warning like my friend did.  Many of us may be gone in the blink of an eye. If you do not know the Lord as your Lord and Savior, I invite you to accept Him and know Him now.  Also, please take advantage of every opportunity to let those you love know just how much you love them today, just in case tomorrow never comes.

The Hands and Feet of Jesus

I have spent a great deal of time with the Lord this week, learning and growing in Him.  After learning the lesson I learned regarding obedience last Sunday, which I shared in my previous blog post, I felt the need to spend most of my time with Him.  I recognized that obedience was an area of my life that I needed to acknowledge, grow and move some mountains in my life.  The Lord has been helping me this week by revealing areas of disobedience and moving some of those mountains in my life regarding obedience to Him.

I have realized that though I have considered myself a Christian for many years, I have been an extremely disobedient and unruly child of God.  I’ve realized the difference between ‘provision’ and ‘blessing’.  Provision is when our basic needs are met.  Blessing is anything which exceeds provision.  Sometimes we are required to sacrifice even some of our most basic needs in order to learn obedience.  The Lord revealed to me this week that He has made provisions for me in my life, though I was being disobedient but He will not bless disobedience. 

For many years I was looking for ‘blessings’ from the Lord and feeling hurt and rejected when they didn’t come, all the while failing to recognize or acknowledge my disobedience in so many areas of my life. The truth is, the provisions He has made for me in comparison to my level of disobedience should be considered blessings, if that make sense.

The Lord has been trying for seven years to take me on a journey of healing, restoration, forgiveness, strengthening, learning and growing in Him by writing a book.  Not only would this book take me on a journey, but by sharing my journey with others would also allow them to take their own journey.  Yet, I disobeyed the Lord, listened to Satan’s lies and refused to take the journey by beginning to write. 

I’ve been financially disobedient to the Lord by not paying my tithes faithfully and consistently and giving Him what is His.  The heart, in which I did give, when I did give, was not a joyful heart, but a heart of greed and expectation. 

I have been disobedient in the area of witnessing to others.  Witnessing is the call the Lord places on us to share His truths with others and lead them to know Him.  This area is the area I’ve always been most intimidated by.  I would always think, “Oh Lord, I can’t impose on anyone’s belief system to share mine with them.”  I have known for a long time what the Lord has wanted me to do, yet I chose to be disobedient and was foolish enough to expect blessings.

It’s funny how those things in life that we find the most intimidating are so often the very things the Lord calls us to do.  I suppose He does that to demonstrate His ability, His strength and His power.  When we go into the deep waters, we are completely submitting and surrendering ourselves to Him and His will for our lives.  We are walking in blind faith, trusting Him completely. In our demonstration of faith we are being obedient and allowing Him to take us outside of our own understanding and our comfort zones for Him to show us,  it is not us and but Him.

We are called to be the hands and feet of Jesus.  He wants us to submit ourselves to Him allowing Him to use us as His instrument.  He wants us to be His arms to reach out to the hurting and the lost.  I have finally realized the importance of being obedient to the Lord and the call He has placed on my life as His child. 

I want to recognize, acknowledge and change every area of my life in which I am being disobedient to my Heavenly Father. It is not for blessings that I want to be obedient to Him.  It is because I love Him and I want Him to accomplish everything that He wants to accomplish through me.  He is not a mediocre God.  He is an awesome God!  He doesn’t deserve mediocrity from me.  He deserves for me to give Him my all and my best.  I have finally realized what an awesome privilege and honor it is to be the hands and feet of Jesus! 

The Battle Is God's

Yesterday was my grandson’s second birthday.  I had talked with my daughter, his mother on the phone the night before and had promised her I would take him to see her after church.  Though I don’t want to deprive either of them the opportunity to know each other and spend time together, I find it difficult to hear her speak of her illusions regarding my grandson which are so far from reality. She has illusions of me handing Joshua back over to her someday very soon when she still has so much to accomplish before that will happen.  It saddens me to see how far out of touch she is with reality.  I was not looking forward to facing this yesterday.

During the worship service in church yesterday I could sense a spirit of oppression all over me.  I was distracted and I failed miserably.  I could feel the Spirit of the Lord prompting me to raise my hands in praise to worship Him, yet I was not obedient.  Instead of raising my hands to praise Him and handing the struggle I was having with this spirit of oppression over to Him allowing Him to fight the battle for me, I chose to hold on to it and continue the struggle.

Pastor Chase came to me and asked me to share part of my testimony with the church.  I was caught off guard.  I wasn’t prepared.  I was distracted and still struggling because I had not been obedient to the Holy Spirit.  The devil would have loved nothing more than for me to have refrained from sharing part of my testimony.  Yet I agreed to do so even though I was struggling, so he didn’t win completely. 

I feel that because I was not obedient to the Holy Spirit and chose to remain in this struggle, I was distracted and failed to meet the mark so to speak.  Because I had failed to lift my hands in praise and because I held onto the struggle myself instead of handing it over to the Lord, the devil had succeeded in distracting my focus from the Lord where it needed to be.  I feel that because I was distracted and engaged in this struggle I failed to allow the Lord to use me to the full extent for Him to bless others.  I learned a very valuable lesson!  The battle was not for me to fight!  It was His battle to fight for me and He would have gladly done so if only I had been obedient to Him and handed it over to Him. 

It is so critical that we walk in constant obedience to the Lord in order to not miss a given opportunity.  I never want to miss another opportunity for the Lord to use me as His instrument to bless others to the fullest.  How wonderful it is to know that my God is an awesome God who will fight these battles for me and defeat the enemy if only I will walk in faithful obedience to Him. 

Exodus 14:14 tells us “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”  Deuteronomy 1:30 says “The Lord your God, who is going before you will fight for you in Egypt before your very eyes,” and in 4:22 “Do not be afraid of them; the Lord your God himself will fight for you.”  Joshua 23:10 says “One of you routs a thousand because the Lord your God fights for you, just as he promised.”  Nehemiah 4:20, “Wherever you hear the sound of the trumpet, join us there.  Our God will fight for us!”  2 Chronicles 20:15 tells us the battle is not ours but God’s.    I will be obedient because I never want to miss another opportunity.  I will hand the battles over to God and rest in His promises to fight the battles for me because they are His not mine.  I pray that whatever you’re battling today, you will hand it over to the Lord.  God Bless!

Away From Me Satan!

The devil started on me early this morning!  I woke up and checked the statistics on my blog and he said, “Ha! Only 25 viewed your blog yesterday!”  I said, “Yep!  That’s 25 people in 5 countries that would not have read it if I had not written it!”  Then he began trying to convince me I’m not mentally sound in thinking anything I would say might benefit someone else; that I’m annoying others with my blog as opposed to helping them; that completing and publishing a book is a pipe dream; people are reading my posts and laughing at me; and pointing out all of my weaknesses.

I sat on my patio this morning thinking, “I recognize the fact I am under attack, perhaps I need to focus on fighting this battle this morning as opposed to writing my blog post.”  Then it occurred to me, “That’s exactly what the devil wants!  He wants to discourage me and distract me!”  I told myself, “Get up, get on your knees in prayer, get into the Word and get busy writing”.  I knew I had to keep my focus on the Lord and not let the devil distract me and keep me from doing what the Lord has assigned me the task of doing.  So I came to my computer, opened my Bible, prayed and read Matthew 4:10 “Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’”

This is how we fall into the bottomless pit of depression.  The devil deceives us and distracts us from where our focus needs to be.  He wants us focusing on all the things that are wrong in our lives, all the hurt and pain we have experienced, all the wrongs we have endured asking ourselves, “What’s wrong with me?” and saying “Oh, poor pitiful me!”  The only thing wrong with us is us allowing the devil to deceive us and distract us.  God created each and every one of us in His wonderful image. He loved us enough to send his own very special Son to suffer and die on the cross for us so we could be reconciled with him. 

Please don’t let the devil win!  Don’t give him control over you!  Don’t let him deceive you and distract you!  Tell him, “Away from me Satan!”  Focus on those things which are good in your life.  You can begin by focusing on the greatest gift of all, the gift of salvation!   The gift of eternal life in paradise!  Our lives on this earth are not even a moment in time in comparison to eternity.  Don’t let the great deceiver deceive and distract you.  Get up! Get on your knees in prayer!  Get into the Word of God and His promises to you!  Be blessed!

Task Accomplished!

Being the child of an abusive alcoholic, I was never really taught how to receive or give love.  I’ve spent the majority of my life looking for love in all the wrong places and trying to earn the love of others.  Other than loving my mother and my siblings I think my first experience with truly loving someone was when I held my first child for the first time.  For months after she was born I was overwhelmed with the emotional attachment.  I had never experienced anything more powerful. When I was pregnant with my second child, for months prior to her being born I was concerned that I would not be able to love her as much as I did my first child.  I somehow felt that I would have to divide my love between them.  However, when she was born there was no division of love.  I loved them both equally.  My love was simply multiplied.  When I adopted our oldest daughter, she had been led to believe by others that I would never love her as much as I do my biological children.  However, one thing I have learned about love is that it doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from, love comes from the heart.  I came to love Holly just as much as I did my biological children.  Joshua is my grandson who I am raising and I couldn’t love him any more if her were my child.

Other than loving my children and my grandson I love my husband more than anything on this earth. He is my soul-mate, my best friend, my partner in life, my provider, my protector and my greatest supporter.  Ephesians 5:22-24 tells us “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”  I love my husband dearly.  I respect him, trust him, appreciate him, believe in him and have faith in him.  I share a connection, a bond with him that I’ve never experienced with anyone else.

Ephesians 5:25 tells the husbands, “Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”  As God’s children, we are the church.  The Lord loved us enough that he died on the cross for us before we were born, knew Him or ever loved Him. I know my husband loves me enough that he would give his life for me.  If he didn’t he would have never made the decision to go to Afghanistan and risk his life to care for and provide for me.

When the Lord revealed to me that He was not first in my life because my husband was, I was a bit overwhelmed.  I was willing to be obedient to Him but wasn’t sure how I was going to be able to actually do that.  It seemed like a huge task to me and I knew I was going to need the Lord’s help.  Deuteronomy 6:5 tells us “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and all your strength.”  Luke 14:26 says “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters – yes, even his own life – he cannot be my disciple.”

For a while after the Lord sent Steve to Afghanistan in order to make room for Himself in my life to help me come to put Him first and love Him above all others, I was angry and pouted with Him.  I was confused!  In Ephesians He tells us to love each and in Luke He tells us to hate our parents, our spouses, our siblings, etc.   Then I realized He didn’t mean for us to hate them, we are simply to love Him above all others and put Him first in our lives.

I was finally able to put Him first in my life. I was able to do this when I realized my desire to seek Him and be obedient to Him in order to remain in His will and purpose for my life comes first.  It was a rearrangement of priorities.  Over the course of my life I had developed a pattern of putting everyone else’s needs and wants before my own which often meant stepping out of the Lord’s will and purpose for my life.  However, I was still left with the challenge of loving Him above all others.

The Lord recently reminded me of a conversation our oldest daughter, Holly and I had after her dad and I had gotten married in which we were discussing love.  She told me that she was glad her dad and I had met and gotten married because he loved me a lot and he was happy.  She went on to say that he loved her also.  I could sense she was feeling that perhaps his love for me might mean his love was divided between us.  Much like I thought being a mother to multiple children would mean dividing my love between them.  I tried to reassure her by explaining to her that the love a husband feels for his wife and the love he feels for his children is in many ways a different kind of love, neither of which is less valuable or meaningful than the other.

I pondered this for a while and the various relationships in my life such as my husband, my children and grandchild, my mother, my siblings, etc.  I experienced my feelings changing for the Lord when He revealed to me that my relationship with Him is the most intimate relationship I will ever experience because though Steve knows me, Steve will never know my inner most thoughts, feelings and desires the way the Lord does.  The Lord knows my thoughts before I actually think them.  He knows my feelings before I actually feel them.  He knows my desires before I actually desire them.  Steve grew to love me.  The Lord loved me enough to die for me before I was ever born.  If that is the only thing the Lord ever did for me that was more than enough.  I began to have feelings unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life. A sense of peace and comfort that is unexplainable.  Then the Lord revealed to me a hierarchy of love.  We are to love Him above all others.  Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church.  Wives submit to your husbands as you do to the Lord, because the husband is the head of us as Christ is the head of the church.  This does not mean that we love anyone less or that our love is divided.  Just as I love my children in a different way than I love my husband doesn’t mean I love my children any less.  The love I have for my husband is a more intimate love because we are one and he knows me like no one else on this earth does.  The love I have for the Lord does not mean I love my husband any less.  The love I have for the Lord is a more intimate love because my relationship with Him is the most intimate relationship I will ever experience.  Task accomplished!  Lord I love You above all others and You are first in my life.

Turn Pain Into Joy

For the vast majority of my life I did not seek a personal relationship with the Lord.  Though I knew Him, I didn’t read His Word, communicate with Him through prayer, and seek His will and purpose for my life or His guidance and direction.  I drifted around like the lost child that I was feeling sorry myself and blaming everyone and everything around me for the painful things I had experienced in my life.  Not only was I being subjected to painful experiences but I was inflicting my pain onto others by doing and saying hurtful things.

The devil is the great deceiver who comes to steal, kill and destroy.  1 Peter 5:8 says “Be self-controlled and alert.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”  For so many years I was certainly not self-controlled and found myself in many bad situations as a result of bad choices and others who were not self-controlled.   The horrible things I have done and/or experienced in life were definitely the work of the devil. I was allowing him to use me in order to try to destroy others as he was using them to try to destroy me.  It took me realizing this to be able to forgive those who hurt me.  I don’t blame those people any longer because I realize they, like me were simply poor and lost souls who were also deceived.

Verses 9 through 11 goes on to tell us to “Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.  To Him be the power for ever and ever amen.”  In my opinion, it is impossible to ‘stand firm in the faith’ without being in an intimate and personal relationship with the Lord.  It is through His Word that we obtain the knowledge required to discern His truths from the lies in order to not be deceived.  It is through communication and prayer with Him that we learn to recognize His voice and adhere to His guidance, direction and leading.  When we are not doing these things we open ourselves up and subject ourselves to painful experiences in life.

The amazing thing is that God knew the choices and mistakes we were going to make before He created us and put us in this world, yet He loved us enough to create us anyway.  He loved us enough to send His only begotten Son to die on the cross for us in order to be reconciled with Him.  God is a God who gives us free will to make our own choices and decisions.  He knew the suffering we would endure from our choices before He created us.  It is from this suffering that we learn obedience while He cultivates us into the unique individuals He created us to become.  Hebrews 5:8 teaches us that Jesus himself learned obedience through suffering although He was the Son and once He was made perfect, He became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey Him.  Who are we to look at our experiences in life and feel we deserve to learn obedience through any other means.  The Son became the source of eternal salvation, what is He preparing you and I to become?

For many years I walked around with my head hung in shame and self-condemnation for the mistakes I had made through the course of my life.  It took me realizing that those things which the devil intended to destroy me, the Lord intends to use for my benefit and the benefit of His kingdom.  I can see now why the devil has tried so hard to destroy me.  He has wanted to destroy me because I have made so many mistakes in my life, been hurt so much and hurt so many that the Lord can use me as powerful weapon.  The wonderful thing is that my God is a miracle working God who can turn it all around.  All of the pain and suffering I have experienced and inflicted, He can use for my good and the good of others. 

The other day I was looking at the statistics of my blog and realized it is being viewed in fifteen countries around the world.  It is my prayer that the Lord is using me to encourage some of you to never give up, to seek Him and find hope in Him.  I know the Lord has to be using me to reach others because the devil tries to tell me every day that I am wasting my time when I sit down to write my post.  I refuse to be deceived any longer.  I WILL stand firm in my faith and I WILL be obedient to the Lord and I WILL allow Him to use me, my pain, my suffering and my experiences to reach others and do good for His kingdom.  He will make all the pain and suffering worthwhile and meaningful.  He will turn my pain into joy.  He can take my mess and make it my message to lead others to Him.  He can turn your pain into joy also, if you will only be obedient and seek Him. God Bless!