Mema or Mama: Trying to Find the Balance

When Steve and I got married in 2001 we discussed the option of me having surgery to reverse the tubal ligation I had done when Lauren was born.  We both agreed it would be wonderful to have a child together, hopefully a boy.  We dreamed, joked and laughed about the experience.  After a great deal of consideration we knew there was no guarantee the surgery would be effective or that we would have a son. With us already in our thirties we considered how old we would be before we would ever have an "empty nest".   When we were married we were an instant family with three daughters and had never had "just us" time and decided against it and decided to get a dog instead.  So on our first Valentine’s Day Steve presented me with our 'son', Magnum, a black miniature schnauzer.

Raising three girls has been a challenge, a blessing and sometimes seemingly a curse (lol).  So many fights over the invasion of one’s privacy, the calls to their dad to stop by the store for feminine products which he declared he would never do but so graciously performed the task multiple times.  I think back over the years and smile as I remember some of the conversations and experiences.  There were struggles with each child, each being so different and unique and so many wonderful memories as well.  Memories that they probably don't even realize mean so much to me.

It's amazing how different each of the girls are.  Holly, the oldest is very independent and self-sufficient.  She's the prim and proper one, the lady of the three.  She's the 'princess' of the three.  Heather is the one who has given us a run for our money so to speak.  It seems she has fought us every step of the way along life's journey.  She's 'trouble'.  Regardless of all the challenges she has presented us associated with her mental illness, there is a very loving, warm and protective side of her.  She just doesn't make the best decisions in life and of the three reminds me of myself the most when I was her age.  Lauren is our 'little redneck girl".  She likes trucks, camouflage and getting muddy on a four-wheeler.  She's just very down to earth.   It's amazing how they were all raised in the same house but are so incredibly different. 

After Holly and Heather had moved out Steve and I joked about being on the 'downhill swing' toward our empty nest.  We were looking at four more years before Lauren would be ready to venture out into the world and though I've always liked the idea of having my children close to me where I can keep an eye on them and know they're okay, I was really looking forward to Steve and I having some "just us" time.  I think God sometimes looks down on us though and kind of chuckles at us and the plans we make for ourselves just before He laughs and says, "Oh, but your plans are not the plans I have for you".

I remember the overwhelming sense of grief I felt when Heather informed me she was pregnant.  I remember saying, "Oh my God, what are you doing?  You know she's not capable of providing for and caring for a child.  She can't even take care of herself."  I was angry and upset.  I couldn't for the life of me understand why God would allow her to conceive a child.  I knew that Steve and I were going to have to raise this child and that was something that I quite honestly didn't want to do.  I wasn't sure how Steve really felt about it except that he really didn't want to either.  Would this be the final straw with him?  Had Heather finally gone to the limits of inflicting more on us than our marriage could handle? 

My first reaction was to run from it, naturally.  I told Heather I didn't want to see her, talk to her.  I didn't want to know what she named the baby.  I didn't want to know if it was a boy or a girl.  I suppose it was an 'out of sight out of mind' kind of thing.  If I didn't know, I wouldn't care and would be free to assume everything was okay without being burdened by it all.  I remember sitting in our living room one night and I commented to Steve, "You know no matter how hard I try to ignore it and put it out of my mind, I'm falling in love with this baby and it isn't even here yet."  He said, "Yes of course you are, it's our grandchild.  You also know that we are going to have to raise it, don't you?"  That was the first time it had ever been spoken. 

I eventually began having to drive 126 miles one way to pick Heather up and take her to her OB/GYN appointments.  The first time I took her, the doctor performed a 3D ultrasound and for the first time I saw Joshua's precious little face and began crying.  I couldn't help but be afraid for this precious, beautiful, innocent little child who didn't ask to be brought into this dangerous, angry and cruel world.  I knew he was going to need me and I knew that I was going to have to do whatever it took to help him no matter what the costs may be.

After Joshua was born, Steve and I were both unemployed but did everything we could, even more than we really could to try to help Matt and Heather with Joshua.  We spent money to make sure Joshua had everything he needed and to make sure Matt and Heather had what they needed.  We had hoped that being parents would help them to mature but knew they were going to need a lot of help.  However, the calls kept coming during all hours of the day and night from Heather for us to come get her and Joshua because she and Matt were fighting again.  I was terrified Joshua was going to be accidentally hurt or killed by these two.  Steve and I discussed it and did what we felt we had to do and notified the proper authorities.

Heather out of anger, frustration, immaturity and lack of understanding accused Steve and I of trying to take her son because he was "the son we had never had".  What she couldn't see was how much doing what I felt I had to do to protect Joshua hurt me because she was my child and I never wanted to hurt her.  She wasn't aware of the feelings of resentment I had toward her because I wasn't supposed to be having to take on the responsibility of raising a child at my age.  Steve and I were supposed to be thinking about our retirement.  She didn't realize how much I envied my friends who had grandchildren and 'lived in a perfect world' where they could be mema, grandma, mimi, nana or whatever their grandchildren called them and they just got to be grandparents.  They could visit them, take them home with them for the weekend, love them and spoil them and get to be the 'special' person in their grandchildren's lives that when they arrive, the grandchildren run to them and say "Mema!!!!"  I was angry with Heather because she was depriving me of that. 

Matt and Heather eventually signed custody of Joshua over to Steve and I in January of 2010 and Matt's parental rights were terminated later in the year.  Though Heather calls to check on Joshua regularly, the only time she sees him is when I take him to see her.  As much as I try to encourage Joshua to call me 'Mema' he continues to call me "Mama" and though I refer to Steve as "Poppa" Joshua still calls him "Daddy".  As a matter of fact, when Steve was at home on his last R and R we kept calling Steve "Poppa" and Joshua was on the couch with Steve one night playing and took Steve's face in his little hands, looked Steve in the eyes and said, "u my daddy".

How do I handle this?  What do I do?  I try so much to respect the fact that Heather is his mother and I want Joshua to grow up having a clear understanding of whom everyone is and where we all fit into his life and where he fits.  I want him to know that he is loved so very much and is the most precious thing in the world to me.  If Heather were to hear him calling us mama and daddy she would have a fit but I can't tell him not to call Steve daddy when he seemed to be so determined to do so.  I'm just really torn over this and trying to find the balance between being Mema but filling the role of Mama.

I Am Not Alone

Usually I awake in the morning with all these thoughts I want to share with you, yet this morning I was at a loss for words.  On the way to take Joshua to 'school' I heard Mercy Me's song "Word of God Speak", "Finding myself at a loss for words, and the funny thing is its okay.  The last thing I need is to be heard; but hear what you would say.  Word of God speak; would you pour down like rain; washing my eyes to see your majesty.  To be still and know that you're in this place; please let me stay and rest in your holiness."

While listening to this song I was reminded of all the loneliness I've felt over the course of the past fifteen months that Steve has been in Afghanistan. I know that though Steve is not with me physically he carries me in his heart as I carry him in mine.  I realized that though I may be lonely, I am certainly not alone. I'm fortunate to have the support of a wonderful group of women known as "The DCC Sisterhood” and John 16:32 tells me "Yet I am not alone, because the Father is with me".   

I listened to the lyrics of this song, "To be still and know that you're in this place; please let me stay and rest in your holiness".  I close my eyes and imagine my Heavenly Father looking down on me with a comforting and loving smile, taking me in His arms and holding me close to Him in the warmth, comfort, peace and safety of His loving arms. How wonderful it is to take time to in vision my Heavenly Father holding me in His arms giving me rest, a peaceful rest unlike any other.  Suddenly the loneliness doesn't seem so unbearable.   

Dealing with your husband working and living in the middle of a war zone can certainly take its toll on you.  Being left behind to take care of the home, the children and the day to day functions can be exhausting.  If your husband isn't in the middle of a war zone there are so many other situations in our lives that can be very stressful.  Sometimes you feel that no one in the world understands what you're going through.  Maybe no one in the world understands, but I promise you our Heavenly Father understands and He doesn't want to see us hurt any more than we want to see our own children hurt.

Spend some time with our Heavenly Father today.  Close your eyes and envision Him holding and comforting you.  Feel His love, His peace and His understanding today.  Find some rest in His holiness and know that He loves you and wants good things for you and know "I am not alone".  God bless you!

Stepping Out Ahead of God

I'm trying to limit my posts to one a day because I certainly don't want to overwhelm anyone or for anyone to grow weary of them.  However, there is something on my mind that I just really feel this overwhelming desire to share.

Seven years ago the Lord placed the desire in my heart to write a book sharing my life experiences with others to give them hope and encouragement.  To let others know that there is no sin too great for His love and forgiveness.  Perhaps someone would read it and it give them hope for another day, prevent someone from committing suicide or maybe even help them accept the Lord as their savior. For a long time I listened to Satan telling me that this was my idea alone and not from God because it was silly of me to think anyone would be interested in hearing anything I had to say and that my family and those who know me would think I was being silly.  How could my ego be so super inflated to think that God would have such a huge assignment for me?

Over the years that desire has never left me.  When I would pray for God to reveal His purpose to me He would always remind me of the task He had given me.  I realized recently that I had been running from it hoping He would reveal something else to me, something that I would feel I was actually capable of doing.  I'm reminded of all the times I've heard, "Don't look at yourself and your lack of ability, instead look to the Lord and what He can accomplish through you" and "It's through the weakest and the least of us that He can reveal Himself".

I have no writing experience and was extremely reluctant to start this blog but finally decided to submit and surrender and set it up and begin writing.  I can't begin to tell you how rewarding it is and the joy I feel when I see that someone has signed on to follow my blog, to see the number of views increase, to read the comments on my Facebook page regarding a post, to see someone share it on their Facebook page for their friends to read it also and to know that the Lord has used me to share something with someone to help them that day.  I pray that the Lord will never let pride build up in me because I certainly don't have much of anything in my life to be proud of and I know it is NOT me and my words but Him working through me giving me the words and I can't thank Him enough for that.

I told you in a previous blog post that after Steve went to Afghanistan I stopped going to church, stopped reading my Bible and other than occasional comments had stopped communicating with the Lord and how He had revealed to me that I had been pouting with Him for sending Steve to Afghanistan.  One day last week I went to pick Joshua up from daycare ‘school’ and was talking to Lorraine, the lady who owns the daycare and I shared with her what I felt the Lord had revealed to me.  During our conversation I discovered that she and her husband attend the same church Steve and I had been attending.  Suddenly I felt an amazing desire to return to church.

I attended the service at this church Sunday morning and felt the pastor was talking directly to me.  He preached on how the Lord calls us by name and though there may be ten Marys in the room you know when it's you that He's calling.  I sat there thinking, "Yes, how many times have I heard that quiet voice say, Alecia....?"  He also referenced how the Lord asks questions and I thought, "Yes...with questions that so often seem to provide answers".  He talked about how a lack of faith is a sin and how we tend to take things into our own hands instead of waiting on the Lord such as the story of Abraham and Sarah and how God had promised them a child but they stepped out ahead of God and took things into their own hands.  Oh how well was the pastor talking to me because stepping out ahead of God and getting myself into terrible messes has certainly been the story of my life.  He also talked about those in the Bible that had gotten themselves into terrible situations and God interceded and called them by name.  How wonderful to know that God is in control and no matter how big of a mess we may make of our lives He has the ability to make it all work out for the good.

During the alter call Sunday morning Pastor Chase said that he could sense a broken heart in the congregation.  I knew he was talking about me.  He walked around the congregation coming directly to me.  He took my hand and all I can really remember him saying is that he could feel the Holy Spirit all over me.  I stood there trembling and cried feeling so much peace and so loved.  I went to the alter and surrendered to Lord for Him to use me as He will to fulfill His purposes.

I left church that morning and was having a conversation with my DCC Sister, Donna Phillips and shared what had happened in church that morning with her.  I also shared with her that I had realized that I had been sitting on the fence as a closet Christian where it was safe and I wasn't judged.  The main thing that had held me back was taking that step over into committing myself to coming out of the closet as a Christian and living my life in such a way as to be a light unto the world. 

I was reading Hallee Bridgeman's testimony on her website the other day and she said she had been doing all the things right as a Christian but realized that she wasn't actually living her life for God.  Those were such profound words for me.  "Living my life FOR God".  I realized that is what we are called to do, live our lives for God, not for ourselves.  The flesh is so selfish!  We want to live for ourselves.  One thing I do realize though is that living my life for God instead of myself will certainly be more fulfilling and rewarding.

I know what the Lord has called me to do and now that I've committed myself to do it, wish it would happen yesterday, I pray I never again step out ahead of God.  Please sign on to follow my posts. Please share them with your friends.  Please make comments and interact on here.  I can't tell you how much your encouragement and your support means to me.  Please pray with me that the Lord will use me for His purpose and work through me to help others.  Please pray for me that I will never step out ahead of God again.  God bless you!