My Strength is in the Lord

I usually awake to an email from Steve every morning telling me how his day is going, what the weather is like, asking about everyone at home and telling me how much he loves and misses me.  I love waking up to those emails.  They serve as such a comfort to me knowing that at the time he sent it he was okay.  Each email and each phone call provide a little more comfort and a little more strength to make it through until he emails or calls again.  That's how this lifestyle is; you have to take it one day at a time, one segment at a time, one moment at a time and sometimes one breath at a time. 

I commented on my Facebook page this morning that I hate some of the thoughts that cross my mind when I wake up without an email or when the expected phone call doesn't come.  I also realized how different those thoughts that run through my mind are from the thoughts that may run through the mind of a woman whose husband is not working in the middle of a war zone.  My fears are regarding his well-being, wondering if there has been an attack, if he has been injured or killed.  Naturally, I try to put those thoughts out of my mind and console myself by offering other explanations such as "Perhaps he was busy and just didn't have the time" or "The weather has been bad and their communication systems are not very dependable, perhaps he couldn't get a signal to send an email or maybe the phones are down", "I'll just WAIT until I hear from him".  I couldn't help but wonder how many women would be strong enough to handle a situation such as that.  One of the other ladies whose husband is over there also commented "We are so strong and most of the times we don't even realize how strong we are."  One thing I've noticed is that most of the women whose husbands are over there have faith in the Lord.  I don't think it's through our own abilities that we endure this experience but through the Lord's strength He provides us that we are able to endure it.  To my Deployed Civilian Contractor (DCC) Sister’s I will say this:  When the day seems so lonely and unbearable and you're wondering how in the world you're going to get through it, look to Lord.  Psalm 18:1-2 “I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." NIV also: Psalm 28:7 "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song."

I watch the news and see the dismal reports of the economy with unemployment rates and foreclosure rates.  I realize that I am so blessed to have such a strong, responsible, loving and courageous husband.  Not many in comparison to the number of men in this world would be willing to make the sacrifices that my husband is willing to make for the sake of his family.  I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate, respect, admire and love my husband for the sacrifices he makes for us. I thank God for blessing me with such a wonderful husband and I thank God for His strength which sustains me because it is certainly not my strength but His that gets me through each day.  May God bless each of you and the great men and women, military and civilian who are making such tremendous sacrifices for each of us!

By the way!  After I began writing this Steve called and said that he had just been extremely busy and didn't have the time to send an email.  Who knows perhaps the Lord allowed me to experience this today because He wanted to say something through me to help someone out there.  God bless you!

No Greater Love

Everyone who knows Steve and I always thought we had the perfect 'fairy tale' relationship, myself included.  He's always made my heart go pitter patter.  When we worked in different offices we would talk on our cell phones all the way home and my heart still always seemed to skip a beat when we pulled into the driveway.  However, much to my dismay I realized that I was losing Steve a few months before he left to go to Afghanistan.  We had been through so much together; years of struggling with a teenager with behavioral problems and mental illness, a failed business attempt with family, both of us losing our jobs and then faced with taking on the responsibility of raising Joshua when neither of us had jobs. I can't begin to describe how devastated I was when faced with this realization. When Steve left for Afghanistan in November of 2009 I had no idea what was going to become of our marriage.

After Steve arrived in Afghanistan he began sharing his thoughts and feelings with me.  He began apologizing to me for hurting me and explaining that he felt like a failure because he had not been providing me the things in life he felt I deserved.  The time apart had given us both the time to think about our lives, each other and realize just how much we really do love each other.  Now every day is Valentine’s Day for us filled with genuine, heartfelt I love yous, I miss yous, I can't wait to see you agains and you mean the world to mes.  When Steve was home on R and R in April of 2010 he made the comment, "The one thing I'm the most grateful for from this experience is the fact that you and I are tighter than we've ever been and I wouldn't trade that for anything."

I look back over the fifteen months that Steve has been gone and realize there are so many things to be grateful for.  How wonderful it is to see evidence of God working in our lives, even through those experiences that seem the most difficult and most painful.  It's from those situations we find the greatest blessings of all.

I know Steve loves me.  I knew he did when he left to go to Afghanistan.  To make the decision to go into a war zone in order to provide for his family takes an enormous amount of courage, self-sacrifice and love on a man's part. Especially when facing the fact that these sacrifices could include the ultimate sacrifice of losing his life.  It reminds me of John 15:13 “No one has greater love than to lay down his own life for his friends." Amplified Version   I can't begin to express how much I admire, respect, appreciate and love him for making the sacrifices he makes for us every day. I pray for God to watch over him, protect him and bring him home safely.

Jesus came into the world knowing that He would have to make the ultimate sacrifice for us.  The amazing thing is the fact that He would have made that same sacrifice if it were only for you or for me.  There's no greater love than that.  Who do you love?  Take the time to tell them today how much they mean to you because today is a gift and tomorrow is never promised. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Self Forgiveness

Some people have read my story and told me how much courage I must have to be able to share my story and expose my past mistakes in such an open forum as a blog.  I suppose I have finally submitted to what I feel the Lord has revealed His will and purpose is for me. So I will do what I can do and leave it to Him to take care of the things that I cannot do.  Joyce Myer says, "Sometimes you just have to do it afraid."  I don't feel afraid.  I've finally forgiven myself and realize that there is only one judgment that matters.  I'm reminded of a book our oldest daughter, Holly gave me for my birthday one year titled "If You Want to Walk on Water, You Have to Get Out of the Boat".  I guess I'm finally stepping out of the boat. 

When we accept the Lord as our personal savior He forgives us of all our past sins.  The Bible tells us that sin is sin and no sin is greater than another.  It also tells us that we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.  When we are forgiven the Lord doesn't hold onto our sins to bring them up the next time we make a mistake.  He lets them go.  John 8:36 "So if the Son liberates you [makes you free men], then you are really and unquestionably free." Yet so often we tend to hold onto the guilt, shame and fear associated with the sins from our pasts that God has forgiven.  We carry them around like excess baggage, an anchor around our necks letting them hold us down and hold us back.  All too often people try to judge us because of our past mistakes and we allow their judgment and condemnation to affect the way we view ourselves.  None of us are the same people we were twenty years ago, ten years ago or for that matter even yesterday.  Each day presents new opportunities for us to learn, grow and change.  It's not my job to judge others, that's the Lord's job and I certainly am NOT qualified for that task.  When the Lord forgives us, He lets our sins go.  When we accept His forgiveness we also need to forgive ourselves and let go of the self-condemnation of our past mistakes.  Using my past mistakes as experience to relate to others and reach out to them to let them know no sin is too great for God's love and forgiveness is really quiet liberating.  Ah, John 8:36 just told us that.  Self-forgiveness is so important.