Self Forgiveness

Some people have read my story and told me how much courage I must have to be able to share my story and expose my past mistakes in such an open forum as a blog.  I suppose I have finally submitted to what I feel the Lord has revealed His will and purpose is for me. So I will do what I can do and leave it to Him to take care of the things that I cannot do.  Joyce Myer says, "Sometimes you just have to do it afraid."  I don't feel afraid.  I've finally forgiven myself and realize that there is only one judgment that matters.  I'm reminded of a book our oldest daughter, Holly gave me for my birthday one year titled "If You Want to Walk on Water, You Have to Get Out of the Boat".  I guess I'm finally stepping out of the boat. 

When we accept the Lord as our personal savior He forgives us of all our past sins.  The Bible tells us that sin is sin and no sin is greater than another.  It also tells us that we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.  When we are forgiven the Lord doesn't hold onto our sins to bring them up the next time we make a mistake.  He lets them go.  John 8:36 "So if the Son liberates you [makes you free men], then you are really and unquestionably free." Yet so often we tend to hold onto the guilt, shame and fear associated with the sins from our pasts that God has forgiven.  We carry them around like excess baggage, an anchor around our necks letting them hold us down and hold us back.  All too often people try to judge us because of our past mistakes and we allow their judgment and condemnation to affect the way we view ourselves.  None of us are the same people we were twenty years ago, ten years ago or for that matter even yesterday.  Each day presents new opportunities for us to learn, grow and change.  It's not my job to judge others, that's the Lord's job and I certainly am NOT qualified for that task.  When the Lord forgives us, He lets our sins go.  When we accept His forgiveness we also need to forgive ourselves and let go of the self-condemnation of our past mistakes.  Using my past mistakes as experience to relate to others and reach out to them to let them know no sin is too great for God's love and forgiveness is really quiet liberating.  Ah, John 8:36 just told us that.  Self-forgiveness is so important.

Leaving the Wilderness

 In life blessings and curses are set before us.  It's through our choices and decisions in life that we are ultimately blessed or cursed.  Clearly one thing I've learned from my life experiences is the extreme importance of making godly choices and decisions.  I don't blame God for anything that has happened to me in my life.  Everything that I've endured is certainly by my choice because of the decisions that I've made.  I'm thankful for God's mercy and grace that brought me through each experience.  I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned from them.  I'm thankful for the person that these experiences have made me today.  I'm thankful for the ability to reach out to others, understand them, feel compassion toward them, share my experiences with them and let them know that God loves them, He  wants the best for them, can and will forgive them.  I believe that through the course of my life God has given me free will to make the choices I've made and learn the lessons I've learned to cultivate me into who I am to fulfill the specific purpose he has assigned me.  He has given each of us a specific purpose and provided us specific gifts and talents in order to fulfill that purpose.  He speaks to our hearts and instills within us a great desire for that purpose.  We may try to ignore it but it's always there.  Satan will try to tell us we're silly because there is no way we could possibly accomplish that.  Satan will lie to us and deceive us because he certainly doesn't want us to accomplish anything positive for the kingdom of God.

The Lord informed me seven years ago what His purpose was for me but Satan laughed at me, made me feel silly and told me there was no way anyone would be interested in hearing anything I had to say.  I've tried to ignore it by casting it out of my mind but it's always been there in my heart.  I would get so frustrated with God saying, "God please!  Why won't you let me know what it is you want me to do?  I've asked for your guidance.  I'm willing to do whatever it is you want me to do.  I've submitted to your will."  God's reply to me was, "Oh Alecia, but I have revealed my purpose for your life to you.  If you are willing to do what it is that I want you to do why have you not submitted?  You look at your lack of ability instead of my ability.  Do you not realize who I am?  Do you not realize that it is me not you?  Stop looking at yourself and look to me.  It is through the weakest that I can reveal my power.  You want me to tell you where to live, where to work, what to do today.  This is not my concern.  Have I not made provisions for you and your family?  What concerns me and what should concern you is what you can do for my kingdom.  Is that not what really matters?"  WOW!  He had so clearly revealed His purpose for me.  He has made provisions for me.  Yet I've been wandering through the wilderness refusing to submit to His will.  Why?  I was looking at myself instead of looking to God.  Fear of others judgment and condemnation.  Fear of failure.  Fear of having to take that step into being a Christian publicly instead of remaining in my closet where it's safe and warm.  Fear is what has stopped me.  Fear has kept me in the wilderness.  It was an eleven day journey to Canaan (the Promised Land), yet it took the Israelites forty years to get there.  I've known for seven years what the Lord has wanted me to do yet I've wandered through the wilderness.  It's time for me to step out in faith, submit to God's will and leave the wilderness.

A Year Of Pouting With God

Before Steve left for Afghanistan God had revealed to me that Steve was first in my life not Him.  I had asked God to help me put Him first in my life.  Before Steve left we attended church, I read and studied my Bible daily, I had my dedicated prayer times yet considered myself to remain in a state of continual prayer with Him.  After Steve left it all stopped.  I haven't attended church since Steve's been gone.  I quit reading my Bible and other than an occasional comment to God quit praying and communicating with Him.  A few weeks ago God revealed to me that I have been pouting with Him like a child.  Yes, I had been!  I was angry with Him!  I had asked Him to open doors for us to find jobs.  I had trusted Him and kept my faith that He was going to make a way for us.  He took my husband away from me and sent him to Afghanistan!  Could it be that He had sent Steve there to isolate me and make room for Himself in my life in order to help me draw nearer to Him and put Him first?  God says that our love for our spouse and our children should resemble hatred in comparison to our love for Him.  I've wasted an entire year pouting with God instead of seeking Him.  He reminds me that my actions of the past year came as no surprise to Him.  He knows everything about me from my past to my future.  Since this realization I have noticed things in my life that are clearly signs of God at work.  Praise God for that!