No Greater Love

Everyone who knows Steve and I always thought we had the perfect 'fairy tale' relationship, myself included.  He's always made my heart go pitter patter.  When we worked in different offices we would talk on our cell phones all the way home and my heart still always seemed to skip a beat when we pulled into the driveway.  However, much to my dismay I realized that I was losing Steve a few months before he left to go to Afghanistan.  We had been through so much together; years of struggling with a teenager with behavioral problems and mental illness, a failed business attempt with family, both of us losing our jobs and then faced with taking on the responsibility of raising Joshua when neither of us had jobs. I can't begin to describe how devastated I was when faced with this realization. When Steve left for Afghanistan in November of 2009 I had no idea what was going to become of our marriage.

After Steve arrived in Afghanistan he began sharing his thoughts and feelings with me.  He began apologizing to me for hurting me and explaining that he felt like a failure because he had not been providing me the things in life he felt I deserved.  The time apart had given us both the time to think about our lives, each other and realize just how much we really do love each other.  Now every day is Valentine’s Day for us filled with genuine, heartfelt I love yous, I miss yous, I can't wait to see you agains and you mean the world to mes.  When Steve was home on R and R in April of 2010 he made the comment, "The one thing I'm the most grateful for from this experience is the fact that you and I are tighter than we've ever been and I wouldn't trade that for anything."

I look back over the fifteen months that Steve has been gone and realize there are so many things to be grateful for.  How wonderful it is to see evidence of God working in our lives, even through those experiences that seem the most difficult and most painful.  It's from those situations we find the greatest blessings of all.

I know Steve loves me.  I knew he did when he left to go to Afghanistan.  To make the decision to go into a war zone in order to provide for his family takes an enormous amount of courage, self-sacrifice and love on a man's part. Especially when facing the fact that these sacrifices could include the ultimate sacrifice of losing his life.  It reminds me of John 15:13 “No one has greater love than to lay down his own life for his friends." Amplified Version   I can't begin to express how much I admire, respect, appreciate and love him for making the sacrifices he makes for us every day. I pray for God to watch over him, protect him and bring him home safely.

Jesus came into the world knowing that He would have to make the ultimate sacrifice for us.  The amazing thing is the fact that He would have made that same sacrifice if it were only for you or for me.  There's no greater love than that.  Who do you love?  Take the time to tell them today how much they mean to you because today is a gift and tomorrow is never promised. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Self Forgiveness

Some people have read my story and told me how much courage I must have to be able to share my story and expose my past mistakes in such an open forum as a blog.  I suppose I have finally submitted to what I feel the Lord has revealed His will and purpose is for me. So I will do what I can do and leave it to Him to take care of the things that I cannot do.  Joyce Myer says, "Sometimes you just have to do it afraid."  I don't feel afraid.  I've finally forgiven myself and realize that there is only one judgment that matters.  I'm reminded of a book our oldest daughter, Holly gave me for my birthday one year titled "If You Want to Walk on Water, You Have to Get Out of the Boat".  I guess I'm finally stepping out of the boat. 

When we accept the Lord as our personal savior He forgives us of all our past sins.  The Bible tells us that sin is sin and no sin is greater than another.  It also tells us that we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.  When we are forgiven the Lord doesn't hold onto our sins to bring them up the next time we make a mistake.  He lets them go.  John 8:36 "So if the Son liberates you [makes you free men], then you are really and unquestionably free." Yet so often we tend to hold onto the guilt, shame and fear associated with the sins from our pasts that God has forgiven.  We carry them around like excess baggage, an anchor around our necks letting them hold us down and hold us back.  All too often people try to judge us because of our past mistakes and we allow their judgment and condemnation to affect the way we view ourselves.  None of us are the same people we were twenty years ago, ten years ago or for that matter even yesterday.  Each day presents new opportunities for us to learn, grow and change.  It's not my job to judge others, that's the Lord's job and I certainly am NOT qualified for that task.  When the Lord forgives us, He lets our sins go.  When we accept His forgiveness we also need to forgive ourselves and let go of the self-condemnation of our past mistakes.  Using my past mistakes as experience to relate to others and reach out to them to let them know no sin is too great for God's love and forgiveness is really quiet liberating.  Ah, John 8:36 just told us that.  Self-forgiveness is so important.

Leaving the Wilderness

 In life blessings and curses are set before us.  It's through our choices and decisions in life that we are ultimately blessed or cursed.  Clearly one thing I've learned from my life experiences is the extreme importance of making godly choices and decisions.  I don't blame God for anything that has happened to me in my life.  Everything that I've endured is certainly by my choice because of the decisions that I've made.  I'm thankful for God's mercy and grace that brought me through each experience.  I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned from them.  I'm thankful for the person that these experiences have made me today.  I'm thankful for the ability to reach out to others, understand them, feel compassion toward them, share my experiences with them and let them know that God loves them, He  wants the best for them, can and will forgive them.  I believe that through the course of my life God has given me free will to make the choices I've made and learn the lessons I've learned to cultivate me into who I am to fulfill the specific purpose he has assigned me.  He has given each of us a specific purpose and provided us specific gifts and talents in order to fulfill that purpose.  He speaks to our hearts and instills within us a great desire for that purpose.  We may try to ignore it but it's always there.  Satan will try to tell us we're silly because there is no way we could possibly accomplish that.  Satan will lie to us and deceive us because he certainly doesn't want us to accomplish anything positive for the kingdom of God.

The Lord informed me seven years ago what His purpose was for me but Satan laughed at me, made me feel silly and told me there was no way anyone would be interested in hearing anything I had to say.  I've tried to ignore it by casting it out of my mind but it's always been there in my heart.  I would get so frustrated with God saying, "God please!  Why won't you let me know what it is you want me to do?  I've asked for your guidance.  I'm willing to do whatever it is you want me to do.  I've submitted to your will."  God's reply to me was, "Oh Alecia, but I have revealed my purpose for your life to you.  If you are willing to do what it is that I want you to do why have you not submitted?  You look at your lack of ability instead of my ability.  Do you not realize who I am?  Do you not realize that it is me not you?  Stop looking at yourself and look to me.  It is through the weakest that I can reveal my power.  You want me to tell you where to live, where to work, what to do today.  This is not my concern.  Have I not made provisions for you and your family?  What concerns me and what should concern you is what you can do for my kingdom.  Is that not what really matters?"  WOW!  He had so clearly revealed His purpose for me.  He has made provisions for me.  Yet I've been wandering through the wilderness refusing to submit to His will.  Why?  I was looking at myself instead of looking to God.  Fear of others judgment and condemnation.  Fear of failure.  Fear of having to take that step into being a Christian publicly instead of remaining in my closet where it's safe and warm.  Fear is what has stopped me.  Fear has kept me in the wilderness.  It was an eleven day journey to Canaan (the Promised Land), yet it took the Israelites forty years to get there.  I've known for seven years what the Lord has wanted me to do yet I've wandered through the wilderness.  It's time for me to step out in faith, submit to God's will and leave the wilderness.