Our Heavenly Father Is Our Source

The other day I made a post titled “Troubled Times” in which I discussed Matthew 24:1-14 where Jesus explained to the disciples what the last days would look like.  I discussed wars and rumors of wars, earthquakes, famine and the rising costs of food and fuel.  That post was not meant to frighten anyone, only to encourage all of us to evaluate our relationship with the Lord in order to ensure that we are in good standing with Him and being obedient to Him in order to be ready when He comes.

I don’t believe in coincidences.  I honestly believe with all my heart that everything that happens to us serves a purpose.  This morning Pastor Chase preached on the unrest in the Middle East and the rising costs of food and fuel. Coincidence?  Once again, I don’t believe in coincidences. After church I knew I had to get home and make this post to not leave anyone in fear, but to assure you that our God is in control.  We are His children.  He knows our needs and He is our source for all things.

In Exodus 16:4 the Lord told Moses, “I will rain down bread from heaven for you”.  In Matthew 6:31-33 Jesus tells us, “So do no worry, saying ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well”. 

Pastor Chase called all who are in need of a job down to the alter.  I went for myself and for Steve as well because we want so much for him to be able to come home to be with his family.  Steve’s name was placed on the monitor.  A stateside job for him will be prayed for and his name will remain there until our Lord answers that prayer.  I’m believing and trusting Him for that because He is our source for all things.  Seek Him and trust Him to be your source for whatever your need is today.

The Most Intimate Relationship

Our relationship with the Lord is the most intimate relationship we will ever have.  No one will ever love you more than He does.  He came to this earth knowing the price He would have to pay for us and loved us enough to pay that price.  He knows our deepest desires, thoughts, feelings and fears.  He loves us regardless of our biggest mistakes and failures. 

He knows we are infants and children who are seeking to learn and grow in order to become the person we were created and placed on this earth to become, while realizing that purpose for which He created us and what He has assigned each of us to accomplish for His kingdom.  Becoming a Christian does not mean we are to wake up suddenly converted into perfect beings, who are not allowed to ever make another mistake or experience another failure.  Becoming a Christian means being reborn a second birth as a child of God.  It means being an infant in our faith and learning, growing and maturing in His Word, His will and His ways.  It means not being perfect but seeking to grow and be Christ like, as much as we are each capable of being.

So many times over the years I’ve heard “You can’t do that and be a Christian”.  Making a mistake does not mean I am not a Christian.  Making a mistake as a Christian simply means that I am a child of God with the key word being ‘child’.  I am a child that is learning and growing and being at a different level of growth and achievement in my relationship with the Lord does not make me any less a Christian than anyone else. I don’t know of anyone who would expect an infant to master the skills of a toddler, or expect a toddler to master the skills of an adolescent.  Nor does our Heavenly Father expect us to suddenly become mastered Christians overnight.  Growing as a child of God is no different from growing as children.  Our Father doesn’t have these unrealistic expectations of us.  We don’t have these unrealistic expectations of our children nor does He have them for us.

I think as Christians we all too often compare ourselves to others and begin the process of self-condemnation all over again because we have not yet reached the level of growth as other Christians may have obtained.  That’s one thing that prevented me from writing my book for seven years.  I wasn’t as ‘matured’ as this person or that person and all those around me would condemn me and put me down.  I also think it is one reason that people don’t claim to be Christians because they compare themselves to others and feel they don’t measure up.  Don’t compare yourself to anyone.  Your relationship with the Lord is yours and yours alone.  It is the most intimate relationship you will ever have.  I hope you understand that.  Read His Word, learn and grow in Him.  Spend time in prayer with Him by simply talking to Him.  If there is something that you feel He expects of you that you’re not capable of doing, ask Him for His help.  Seek Him.

He is patient, He is forgiving and He is kind.  He loves you and wants only the best for you.  He died on the cross for you and paid the ultimate price for you.  He has promised to deliver you from the fire.  He has assured us that His plans for us are to prosper us and not cause us harm.  All He wants is for us to accept Him, seek Him, grow in Him, love Him and be obedient to Him.  It is my desire that if you know Him you will desire more of Him and seek Him.  If you do not know Him it is my desire that you will come to know Him.  My relationship with Him is the most intimate relationship I will ever have.  I pray your relationship with Him will be your most intimate relationship as well.

Troubled Times

I’ve reached a point where I don’t like to watch the news because it can be so depressing but we can’t be oblivious to what is going on around us in our world today.  Wars in Iraq and Afghanistan with the death toll of the war in Afghanistan reaching a new high mark, a revolution in Egypt spreading unrest in the Arab world, Gaddafi's son’s warnings of civil war as unrest spreads in Libya, an uprising in Iran, Bahrain joining many other Arab countries in demanding democracy, etc., etc., etc., reminds of things I’ve read and heard regarding wars and rumors of wars in the last days. 

I reflect over the past couple of years and think of the natural disasters the world has experienced with flooding and earthquakes. Earthquakes alone have caused so much destruction and taken so many lives.  The Sichauan Earthquake in China on March 12, 2008 claimed an estimated 68,712 lives with another 18,392 missing.  The earthquake that struck Haiti in January of 2010 claimed an estimated 316,000 and is considered one of the ten most deadly natural disasters in history. Now the earthquake that recently shattered Christchurch, New Zealand with the death toll rising.  Matthew 24:7 says there will be earthquakes in various places in the last days.

World Bank recently reported that food prices increased an astounding 29 percent in 2010.  The soaring food prices are leading to a dangerous situation that can send millions into poverty.  Food riots have already been reported in the Middle East.  The rising food prices are reportedly due to floods in Australia, drought in Russia and crop failure in China.  We in America are not exempt from famine.  Many of us Americans are more susceptible to living like those in a third world country now more than ever with the unemployment rate reaching all-time highs due to a recession.  With all the job losses and foreclosures Americans are experiencing situations in life like my generation has never seen. Oil prices have reached an all-time high and our fuel prices are creating a financial burden for many.  I think the only thing that prevents us from equaling The Great Depression of 1930’s is unemployment insurance. 

These are troubled times we are living in today and every time I hear another tragic report on the television I’m reminded of the prophecies of the last days and can’t help but feel we’re living them. Granted Matthew 24:36 tells us “No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father”.  However Jesus did speak about the last days on the Mount of Olives in  Matthew 24:1-14 “Jesus left the temple and was walking away when his disciples came up to him to call his attention to its buildings. “Do you see all these things?” he asked. “I tell you the truth, not one stone here will be left on another; everyone will be thrown down.” As Jesus was sitting on the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to him privately. “Tell us,” they said, “when will this happen, and what will be the sign of your coming and of the end of the age?” Jesus answered: “Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Christ’ and will deceive many. You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains. Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other, and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people. Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved. And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.”

I certainly don’t claim to know when Jesus is coming back but I do know I want to be ready for Him when he comes.

Hope, Expectation, Faith and Belief

I have a habit of asking the Lord to lead me to what He would have His word say to me as I take my Bible and randomly open it to read it each day.  A couple of days ago I opened it  to Matthew Chapter 8 and read the story of the centurion whose servant boy was lying paralyzed at his house and in intense pain.  The Lord told the centurion that He would go to the boy and restore him.  The centurion told Jesus that he was not worthy or fit to have Him come under his roof, but if Jesus would only speak the word his servant boy would be cured.  Jesus replied to the centurion, “Go! It will be done just as you believed it would.”

I have spent the past few days pondering hope, expectation, faith and belief.  The definition of hope is to wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment. Romans 8:24-25 “For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one also hope for what he sees?” Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”  The definition of expectation is eager anticipation of something wished for. So, expectation is a step beyond hope. Romans 8:19 "For the earnest expectation of the creature waiteth for the manifestation of the sons of God."  The definition of faith is belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence and is synonymous with belief. Hebrews 11:1 "Now, faith is the substance of things to be hoped for, the evidence of things that appear not.” The definition of believe is to have firm and unquestioning faith to accept something as true.  Matthew 8:13 “Then Jesus said to the centurion, “Go and it will be done just as you believed it would.” And the servant was healed at that very hour.”

I spent the majority of my weekend ponding this and wondering why it was in the Bible that so many asked Jesus to perform miracles and they were granted immediately yet, I ask for miracles and it seems I spend so much time waiting for God.  Ecclesiastes 3:17 tells me that God has an appointed time for everything; every purpose and every work that He has planned for me and Psalm 46:10 tells me “Let be and be still, and know that I am God.  I will be exalted among the nations!  I will be exalted in the earth!

I realized that though I have hope for better things in my future such as my husband to be able to come home to be with us; and though I expect the Lord to make a way for that to happen; and though I have faith that He has a plan for us; I had not truly BELIEVED with all my heart and soul that it IS going to happen and instead have been very fearful of what the future MAY hold in store for us.  I now BELIEVE with my whole heart and soul that the Lord will answer my prayers based on my faith for the plans and purpose He has for me; as I await His timing expecting great things in regard to those things I hope for.  May God bless each of you today.

Dealing With The Death Of A Loved One

My mom called me last night to tell me the last of my father's siblings had passed away.  I was glad to hear her say that the pastor from Hospice had visited with him several times and he had begun to leave his television on a channel broadcasting a local preacher.  I hope and pray he had accepted the Lord as his savior prior to his passing.  His wife had passed away years before and he never had any children.  I was glad my cousin, my mother, my sister and brother along with their spouses were with him and he wasn't alone.

I've spent the night reflecting on the loved ones I've lost over the course of my life.  I remember one of my father's brothers who sang in a country music band.  When he would come home to visit he would spend the night playing his guitar and singing with me sitting on the floor in front of him.  I remember him playing one night until his fingers began to bleed from the guitar strings and he reached down into his guitar case to retrieve guitar picks which he placed on each finger and continued playing his guitar and singing for me.  I was young when he died but his passing away was the first sense of loss I experienced.

My mother's mother, passed away when I was seventeen.  I loved her so much. I loved spending time with her over the summers.  She always made me feel so grown as a child because she would allow me to drink coffee with her each morning, but most importantly she communicated with me.  She talked to me, she listened to me, she made me feel that someone cared for me, her.  She had developed the symptoms of Alzheimer’s before they ever named it that.  She would go through the names of all the grandchildren before she ever got it right.  Most of the time you would have to tell her who you were and she still wouldn't remember it. She eventually began living with my aunt and uncle and they eventually had to come up with some creative means of keeping her in the house at night after finding her out by their pond and tobacco barns looking for my grandfather who had passed away many years before.  She was such a strong Christian woman so when she died regardless of my sense of loss I knew she was finally at peace.

I remember the day I received the call at work informing me that my dad had been taken to the hospital and the doctors weren't expecting him to survive, therefore had suggested that my mother notify family members.  After arriving at the hospital my dad looked at me and said, "If you will stay with me I'll make it through the night and part of the day tomorrow".  I think it came as a surprise to everyone else as well as me that he wanted me to stay with him.  I surely thought he would have wanted my sister to stay with him.  He and I had butted heads and exchanged angry words on so many occasions because of the way he would curse my mom as she bathed, shaved, dressed, feed and cared for him for a number of years during his illness.  Prior to that night I wasn't sure what I was going to feel when he passed away.  I knew I longed for my mother to have some peace and happiness in her life which I knew she would never have as long as he was alive.  One of my siblings once made the comment that the only sense of loss they would feel when he passed away would be "the father he could have been but never was."  (If you read my story you will better understand these feelings.)

I'm very thankful for that night with my father.  We shared so much during the night.  He told me that one thing he admired about me was the fact that I was outspoken and he never had to wonder where he stood with me. He pointed out to me many characteristics which we shared and said, "As much as you may hate to admit it, you're a lot more like me than you might want to admit, but atleast you got the good ones."  We read Psalm 23 together.  I remember hearing the birds the next morning and he said, "Well, we made it through the night."  My dad shared so much with me that night, including the fact that he had made his peace with God and he knew he was ready to go.  I was so thankful for that.  I was also thankful that my dad and I had made peace with each other.  I left to go home to get a shower the next morning after my mother arrived.  When I returned to the hospital shortly after noon my mother, sister, both brothers and a sister-in-law were in the room.  A few minutes after I got there my father died.  It was almost as though he was waiting for me to get there.  My father, the man who had been so afraid of dying alone died peacefully with wife and all of his children in the room with him.  He had made it through the night and part of the next day just as he had said he would.

The loss of my oldest brother was the one that really hit me the hardest.  He died in May of 2008 at the age of 57.  I experienced an enormous sense of loss when he died.  The finality of it seemed so hard to grasp.  For weeks I felt like it was just a bad dream because it couldn't be real. 

After my father died I was spending the night with my mother and awoke gasping for air because I couldn't breathe.  I had been dreaming that my mother had passed away and was consumed in grief.  I went into my mother's room and got into bed with her, holding her and crying.  She asked me what was wrong and I shared my dream with her and told her I couldn't take losing her.  She replied, "Honey, you wouldn't want to deprive me of going where I've lived my whole life to be would you?"  I said, "Mom, you make me sound selfish."  She didn't reply.  As painful as the loss may be and believe me I pray I never have to go through the experience of losing some loved ones, there are those that are inevitable.  II Corinthians 5:8 tells us "We have confident and hopeful courage and are pleased rather to be away from home out of the body and be at home with the Lord".  Amplified Version

I have a dear friend who is caring for her terminally ill mother and is having a difficult time facing the loss of her mother.  Please remember Dianne and Ms. Helen in your prayers.  Who have you lost?  How did you deal with it?  What gave you strength?

Mema or Mama: Trying to Find the Balance

When Steve and I got married in 2001 we discussed the option of me having surgery to reverse the tubal ligation I had done when Lauren was born.  We both agreed it would be wonderful to have a child together, hopefully a boy.  We dreamed, joked and laughed about the experience.  After a great deal of consideration we knew there was no guarantee the surgery would be effective or that we would have a son. With us already in our thirties we considered how old we would be before we would ever have an "empty nest".   When we were married we were an instant family with three daughters and had never had "just us" time and decided against it and decided to get a dog instead.  So on our first Valentine’s Day Steve presented me with our 'son', Magnum, a black miniature schnauzer.

Raising three girls has been a challenge, a blessing and sometimes seemingly a curse (lol).  So many fights over the invasion of one’s privacy, the calls to their dad to stop by the store for feminine products which he declared he would never do but so graciously performed the task multiple times.  I think back over the years and smile as I remember some of the conversations and experiences.  There were struggles with each child, each being so different and unique and so many wonderful memories as well.  Memories that they probably don't even realize mean so much to me.

It's amazing how different each of the girls are.  Holly, the oldest is very independent and self-sufficient.  She's the prim and proper one, the lady of the three.  She's the 'princess' of the three.  Heather is the one who has given us a run for our money so to speak.  It seems she has fought us every step of the way along life's journey.  She's 'trouble'.  Regardless of all the challenges she has presented us associated with her mental illness, there is a very loving, warm and protective side of her.  She just doesn't make the best decisions in life and of the three reminds me of myself the most when I was her age.  Lauren is our 'little redneck girl".  She likes trucks, camouflage and getting muddy on a four-wheeler.  She's just very down to earth.   It's amazing how they were all raised in the same house but are so incredibly different. 

After Holly and Heather had moved out Steve and I joked about being on the 'downhill swing' toward our empty nest.  We were looking at four more years before Lauren would be ready to venture out into the world and though I've always liked the idea of having my children close to me where I can keep an eye on them and know they're okay, I was really looking forward to Steve and I having some "just us" time.  I think God sometimes looks down on us though and kind of chuckles at us and the plans we make for ourselves just before He laughs and says, "Oh, but your plans are not the plans I have for you".

I remember the overwhelming sense of grief I felt when Heather informed me she was pregnant.  I remember saying, "Oh my God, what are you doing?  You know she's not capable of providing for and caring for a child.  She can't even take care of herself."  I was angry and upset.  I couldn't for the life of me understand why God would allow her to conceive a child.  I knew that Steve and I were going to have to raise this child and that was something that I quite honestly didn't want to do.  I wasn't sure how Steve really felt about it except that he really didn't want to either.  Would this be the final straw with him?  Had Heather finally gone to the limits of inflicting more on us than our marriage could handle? 

My first reaction was to run from it, naturally.  I told Heather I didn't want to see her, talk to her.  I didn't want to know what she named the baby.  I didn't want to know if it was a boy or a girl.  I suppose it was an 'out of sight out of mind' kind of thing.  If I didn't know, I wouldn't care and would be free to assume everything was okay without being burdened by it all.  I remember sitting in our living room one night and I commented to Steve, "You know no matter how hard I try to ignore it and put it out of my mind, I'm falling in love with this baby and it isn't even here yet."  He said, "Yes of course you are, it's our grandchild.  You also know that we are going to have to raise it, don't you?"  That was the first time it had ever been spoken. 

I eventually began having to drive 126 miles one way to pick Heather up and take her to her OB/GYN appointments.  The first time I took her, the doctor performed a 3D ultrasound and for the first time I saw Joshua's precious little face and began crying.  I couldn't help but be afraid for this precious, beautiful, innocent little child who didn't ask to be brought into this dangerous, angry and cruel world.  I knew he was going to need me and I knew that I was going to have to do whatever it took to help him no matter what the costs may be.

After Joshua was born, Steve and I were both unemployed but did everything we could, even more than we really could to try to help Matt and Heather with Joshua.  We spent money to make sure Joshua had everything he needed and to make sure Matt and Heather had what they needed.  We had hoped that being parents would help them to mature but knew they were going to need a lot of help.  However, the calls kept coming during all hours of the day and night from Heather for us to come get her and Joshua because she and Matt were fighting again.  I was terrified Joshua was going to be accidentally hurt or killed by these two.  Steve and I discussed it and did what we felt we had to do and notified the proper authorities.

Heather out of anger, frustration, immaturity and lack of understanding accused Steve and I of trying to take her son because he was "the son we had never had".  What she couldn't see was how much doing what I felt I had to do to protect Joshua hurt me because she was my child and I never wanted to hurt her.  She wasn't aware of the feelings of resentment I had toward her because I wasn't supposed to be having to take on the responsibility of raising a child at my age.  Steve and I were supposed to be thinking about our retirement.  She didn't realize how much I envied my friends who had grandchildren and 'lived in a perfect world' where they could be mema, grandma, mimi, nana or whatever their grandchildren called them and they just got to be grandparents.  They could visit them, take them home with them for the weekend, love them and spoil them and get to be the 'special' person in their grandchildren's lives that when they arrive, the grandchildren run to them and say "Mema!!!!"  I was angry with Heather because she was depriving me of that. 

Matt and Heather eventually signed custody of Joshua over to Steve and I in January of 2010 and Matt's parental rights were terminated later in the year.  Though Heather calls to check on Joshua regularly, the only time she sees him is when I take him to see her.  As much as I try to encourage Joshua to call me 'Mema' he continues to call me "Mama" and though I refer to Steve as "Poppa" Joshua still calls him "Daddy".  As a matter of fact, when Steve was at home on his last R and R we kept calling Steve "Poppa" and Joshua was on the couch with Steve one night playing and took Steve's face in his little hands, looked Steve in the eyes and said, "u my daddy".

How do I handle this?  What do I do?  I try so much to respect the fact that Heather is his mother and I want Joshua to grow up having a clear understanding of whom everyone is and where we all fit into his life and where he fits.  I want him to know that he is loved so very much and is the most precious thing in the world to me.  If Heather were to hear him calling us mama and daddy she would have a fit but I can't tell him not to call Steve daddy when he seemed to be so determined to do so.  I'm just really torn over this and trying to find the balance between being Mema but filling the role of Mama.

I Am Not Alone

Usually I awake in the morning with all these thoughts I want to share with you, yet this morning I was at a loss for words.  On the way to take Joshua to 'school' I heard Mercy Me's song "Word of God Speak", "Finding myself at a loss for words, and the funny thing is its okay.  The last thing I need is to be heard; but hear what you would say.  Word of God speak; would you pour down like rain; washing my eyes to see your majesty.  To be still and know that you're in this place; please let me stay and rest in your holiness."

While listening to this song I was reminded of all the loneliness I've felt over the course of the past fifteen months that Steve has been in Afghanistan. I know that though Steve is not with me physically he carries me in his heart as I carry him in mine.  I realized that though I may be lonely, I am certainly not alone. I'm fortunate to have the support of a wonderful group of women known as "The DCC Sisterhood” and John 16:32 tells me "Yet I am not alone, because the Father is with me".   

I listened to the lyrics of this song, "To be still and know that you're in this place; please let me stay and rest in your holiness".  I close my eyes and imagine my Heavenly Father looking down on me with a comforting and loving smile, taking me in His arms and holding me close to Him in the warmth, comfort, peace and safety of His loving arms. How wonderful it is to take time to in vision my Heavenly Father holding me in His arms giving me rest, a peaceful rest unlike any other.  Suddenly the loneliness doesn't seem so unbearable.   

Dealing with your husband working and living in the middle of a war zone can certainly take its toll on you.  Being left behind to take care of the home, the children and the day to day functions can be exhausting.  If your husband isn't in the middle of a war zone there are so many other situations in our lives that can be very stressful.  Sometimes you feel that no one in the world understands what you're going through.  Maybe no one in the world understands, but I promise you our Heavenly Father understands and He doesn't want to see us hurt any more than we want to see our own children hurt.

Spend some time with our Heavenly Father today.  Close your eyes and envision Him holding and comforting you.  Feel His love, His peace and His understanding today.  Find some rest in His holiness and know that He loves you and wants good things for you and know "I am not alone".  God bless you!

Stepping Out Ahead of God

I'm trying to limit my posts to one a day because I certainly don't want to overwhelm anyone or for anyone to grow weary of them.  However, there is something on my mind that I just really feel this overwhelming desire to share.

Seven years ago the Lord placed the desire in my heart to write a book sharing my life experiences with others to give them hope and encouragement.  To let others know that there is no sin too great for His love and forgiveness.  Perhaps someone would read it and it give them hope for another day, prevent someone from committing suicide or maybe even help them accept the Lord as their savior. For a long time I listened to Satan telling me that this was my idea alone and not from God because it was silly of me to think anyone would be interested in hearing anything I had to say and that my family and those who know me would think I was being silly.  How could my ego be so super inflated to think that God would have such a huge assignment for me?

Over the years that desire has never left me.  When I would pray for God to reveal His purpose to me He would always remind me of the task He had given me.  I realized recently that I had been running from it hoping He would reveal something else to me, something that I would feel I was actually capable of doing.  I'm reminded of all the times I've heard, "Don't look at yourself and your lack of ability, instead look to the Lord and what He can accomplish through you" and "It's through the weakest and the least of us that He can reveal Himself".

I have no writing experience and was extremely reluctant to start this blog but finally decided to submit and surrender and set it up and begin writing.  I can't begin to tell you how rewarding it is and the joy I feel when I see that someone has signed on to follow my blog, to see the number of views increase, to read the comments on my Facebook page regarding a post, to see someone share it on their Facebook page for their friends to read it also and to know that the Lord has used me to share something with someone to help them that day.  I pray that the Lord will never let pride build up in me because I certainly don't have much of anything in my life to be proud of and I know it is NOT me and my words but Him working through me giving me the words and I can't thank Him enough for that.

I told you in a previous blog post that after Steve went to Afghanistan I stopped going to church, stopped reading my Bible and other than occasional comments had stopped communicating with the Lord and how He had revealed to me that I had been pouting with Him for sending Steve to Afghanistan.  One day last week I went to pick Joshua up from daycare ‘school’ and was talking to Lorraine, the lady who owns the daycare and I shared with her what I felt the Lord had revealed to me.  During our conversation I discovered that she and her husband attend the same church Steve and I had been attending.  Suddenly I felt an amazing desire to return to church.

I attended the service at this church Sunday morning and felt the pastor was talking directly to me.  He preached on how the Lord calls us by name and though there may be ten Marys in the room you know when it's you that He's calling.  I sat there thinking, "Yes, how many times have I heard that quiet voice say, Alecia....?"  He also referenced how the Lord asks questions and I thought, "Yes...with questions that so often seem to provide answers".  He talked about how a lack of faith is a sin and how we tend to take things into our own hands instead of waiting on the Lord such as the story of Abraham and Sarah and how God had promised them a child but they stepped out ahead of God and took things into their own hands.  Oh how well was the pastor talking to me because stepping out ahead of God and getting myself into terrible messes has certainly been the story of my life.  He also talked about those in the Bible that had gotten themselves into terrible situations and God interceded and called them by name.  How wonderful to know that God is in control and no matter how big of a mess we may make of our lives He has the ability to make it all work out for the good.

During the alter call Sunday morning Pastor Chase said that he could sense a broken heart in the congregation.  I knew he was talking about me.  He walked around the congregation coming directly to me.  He took my hand and all I can really remember him saying is that he could feel the Holy Spirit all over me.  I stood there trembling and cried feeling so much peace and so loved.  I went to the alter and surrendered to Lord for Him to use me as He will to fulfill His purposes.

I left church that morning and was having a conversation with my DCC Sister, Donna Phillips and shared what had happened in church that morning with her.  I also shared with her that I had realized that I had been sitting on the fence as a closet Christian where it was safe and I wasn't judged.  The main thing that had held me back was taking that step over into committing myself to coming out of the closet as a Christian and living my life in such a way as to be a light unto the world. 

I was reading Hallee Bridgeman's testimony on her website the other day and she said she had been doing all the things right as a Christian but realized that she wasn't actually living her life for God.  Those were such profound words for me.  "Living my life FOR God".  I realized that is what we are called to do, live our lives for God, not for ourselves.  The flesh is so selfish!  We want to live for ourselves.  One thing I do realize though is that living my life for God instead of myself will certainly be more fulfilling and rewarding.

I know what the Lord has called me to do and now that I've committed myself to do it, wish it would happen yesterday, I pray I never again step out ahead of God.  Please sign on to follow my posts. Please share them with your friends.  Please make comments and interact on here.  I can't tell you how much your encouragement and your support means to me.  Please pray with me that the Lord will use me for His purpose and work through me to help others.  Please pray for me that I will never step out ahead of God again.  God bless you!

I Know The Plans I Have For You

This morning I awoke to the following beautiful email from my husband:  "I hope you're resting well.  You know sometimes everything seems so dark; I almost want to give up sometimes.  Yet I see a light at the end of this long tunnel.  The light seems so far away some days and then there are days that it seems closer.  When I get down, I think of you and I realize why I am here.  The Lord gives me strength to keep going and you give me a purpose to go on.  You and Joshua let me know that I have a reason to go on and do my best.  Life has never been easy and I realize it's what you make it.  I have realized you just have to deal with today and take the good with the bad.  When things are going bad or I feel down, I think of you.  I love the talks on the phone and the emails but most of all I enjoy just being with you.  Joshua is such a joy in my life.  There are no words to express how I feel about him.  He is my boy and I hope we do a great job of raising him.  I just want to tell you that you are the best and thank you for all you do for us as a wife to me and a mother to the kids.  I love you and miss you. Stephen"

I read that email and felt so blessed and fortunate to have a husband who was willing to take the time to share such beautiful words with me.  I regretfully must admit that when I woke up this morning I wasn't this shining ray of light and hope.  My reply was not very pretty at all.  My reply in short (because not much of it is worth repeating) was basically "I'm glad you can see that light at the end of the tunnel.  I just wish I could figure out which tunnel you're in so I could see that flicker of light also.  I'm so confused about what to do.  I have no idea what to do because I have no idea where we're going to be.  Feeling we're flying by the seat of our pants on a wing and prayer hoping to find something (a job) between here and Florida when you're at home on R and R is driving me nuts.  I guess I'm the one with a bad attitude this morning.  I know it will all work out eventually.  RIGHT NOW  I feel like screaming and throwing a temper tantrum like a child.  One day at a time, huh?"  ENOUGH OF THAT!

Afterwards, I was consumed with regret for sending that e-mail to him.  He is the one over there making the sacrifices, living in horrible conditions, working 12 to 15 hour days seven days straight for four to five months at a time, he's the one away from home missing out on so much of our lives and I'm here with all of the conveniences of home.  My only sacrifice is missing him.  He's the one who needs encouragement and uplifting, yet I'm acting like a child who can't have her way.  I WANT WHAT I WANT AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!!

In "Random House Dictionary of Popular Proverbs and Sayings" by Gregory Y. Titelman (Random House, New York, 1996): "Patience is a virtue. The ability to wait for something without excessive frustration is a valuable character trait."  Yes!  Patience is a virtue!  However, patience is not one of my stronger characteristics.  One would think with all the lessons I've encountered through the course of my life I would have mastered it enough to be an example to others.  Yet it seems to be an ongoing lesson in my life. I Timothy 6:11 "But as for you, O man of God, flee from all these things; aim at and pursue righteousness (right standing with God and true goodness), godliness (which is the loving fear of God and being Christlike), faith, love, steadfastness (patience), and gentleness of heart." Amplified Version

James 1:3-4 "Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.  But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing."  Amplified Version  At least I know when I have finally mastered patience it will be a "thorough work" in my life.  Who knows it may take my entire lifetime to master it!  I'm sure it will!

Steve has been working in Afghanistan since November of 2009.  After he arrived there the company he was working with lost their contract and he signed a contract with another company in March of 2010.  We had hoped he could come home for good in March of this year but because he has not been able to secure a job stateside leaves us unsure of what the outcome will be when he comes home in April.  He did sign another contract for another year, but our hope is that he will be able to secure a job stateside while he is at home on R and R and won't have to return.  I realize I should be grateful for the fact that in the event he is unable to secure a job here he will at least be able to return to Afghanistan and continue to provide for our family.  This journey is just one that I'm so tired of.  I want my husband to be at home with us and to be a part of our daily lives.  I just miss him so much and the child in me wants to throw a temper tantrum because I want what I want and I want it now.

Several years ago I took a personality profile along with the employees at work.  When the results came back in we were all amazed at the results.  We actually read the profiles and could identify who the profile belonged too.  My profile identified me as the "Strategic Planner".  I have to have my own workplace, I don't like interruptions or distractions, I like to plan each project from beginning to end identifying each step of the process to completion, I hate flying by the seat of my pants and winging it and am agitated by those who fit that profile, I certainly don't like the 'unknowns' of any given situation, I don't like surprises therefore I am always trying to anticipate what might go wrong and how to overcome it before it ever goes wrong.  Therefore, knowing the goal is for Steve to be able to stay stateside when he comes home in April without any concrete job offers, taking this on a wing and a prayer, flying by the seat of our pants, not knowing if he will have to go back, where he may find an offer, where we may be living, etc., is DRIVING ME NUTS and has me in a state of complete confusion.  I Corinthians 4:33 tells me that God is not a God of confusion and disorder but of peace and order.  I know that my confusion is self-inflicted because of my impatience and wanting answers and solutions NOW.

I walked out onto my balcony this morning and said, "Oh Lord I just wish you would let me know where you want me to go and what you want me to do."  He said to me, "Alecia if I were to reveal my plans to you before their time what would be left for you to take on faith?"  I smiled and said, "Yes Lord, you are right but you know this isn't easy for me. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to swim up a waterfall because the waiting and the unknown seem to go against every grain of me."  The Lord replied to me, "Be patient my child and know that I AM GOD.  Have I not revealed to you that my plans for you are to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future.  I know the plans I have for you.  Wait on me without fear, concern or despair.  Walk in faith and trust in me."  I suddenly felt a sense of peace.  Thank you God for loving me and carrying me through this.  Thank you for not giving up on me.  Please continue to carry me through this and help me to grow in my faith and to trust you completely. 

My Strength is in the Lord

I usually awake to an email from Steve every morning telling me how his day is going, what the weather is like, asking about everyone at home and telling me how much he loves and misses me.  I love waking up to those emails.  They serve as such a comfort to me knowing that at the time he sent it he was okay.  Each email and each phone call provide a little more comfort and a little more strength to make it through until he emails or calls again.  That's how this lifestyle is; you have to take it one day at a time, one segment at a time, one moment at a time and sometimes one breath at a time. 

I commented on my Facebook page this morning that I hate some of the thoughts that cross my mind when I wake up without an email or when the expected phone call doesn't come.  I also realized how different those thoughts that run through my mind are from the thoughts that may run through the mind of a woman whose husband is not working in the middle of a war zone.  My fears are regarding his well-being, wondering if there has been an attack, if he has been injured or killed.  Naturally, I try to put those thoughts out of my mind and console myself by offering other explanations such as "Perhaps he was busy and just didn't have the time" or "The weather has been bad and their communication systems are not very dependable, perhaps he couldn't get a signal to send an email or maybe the phones are down", "I'll just WAIT until I hear from him".  I couldn't help but wonder how many women would be strong enough to handle a situation such as that.  One of the other ladies whose husband is over there also commented "We are so strong and most of the times we don't even realize how strong we are."  One thing I've noticed is that most of the women whose husbands are over there have faith in the Lord.  I don't think it's through our own abilities that we endure this experience but through the Lord's strength He provides us that we are able to endure it.  To my Deployed Civilian Contractor (DCC) Sister’s I will say this:  When the day seems so lonely and unbearable and you're wondering how in the world you're going to get through it, look to Lord.  Psalm 18:1-2 “I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." NIV also: Psalm 28:7 "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song."

I watch the news and see the dismal reports of the economy with unemployment rates and foreclosure rates.  I realize that I am so blessed to have such a strong, responsible, loving and courageous husband.  Not many in comparison to the number of men in this world would be willing to make the sacrifices that my husband is willing to make for the sake of his family.  I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate, respect, admire and love my husband for the sacrifices he makes for us. I thank God for blessing me with such a wonderful husband and I thank God for His strength which sustains me because it is certainly not my strength but His that gets me through each day.  May God bless each of you and the great men and women, military and civilian who are making such tremendous sacrifices for each of us!

By the way!  After I began writing this Steve called and said that he had just been extremely busy and didn't have the time to send an email.  Who knows perhaps the Lord allowed me to experience this today because He wanted to say something through me to help someone out there.  God bless you!

No Greater Love

Everyone who knows Steve and I always thought we had the perfect 'fairy tale' relationship, myself included.  He's always made my heart go pitter patter.  When we worked in different offices we would talk on our cell phones all the way home and my heart still always seemed to skip a beat when we pulled into the driveway.  However, much to my dismay I realized that I was losing Steve a few months before he left to go to Afghanistan.  We had been through so much together; years of struggling with a teenager with behavioral problems and mental illness, a failed business attempt with family, both of us losing our jobs and then faced with taking on the responsibility of raising Joshua when neither of us had jobs. I can't begin to describe how devastated I was when faced with this realization. When Steve left for Afghanistan in November of 2009 I had no idea what was going to become of our marriage.

After Steve arrived in Afghanistan he began sharing his thoughts and feelings with me.  He began apologizing to me for hurting me and explaining that he felt like a failure because he had not been providing me the things in life he felt I deserved.  The time apart had given us both the time to think about our lives, each other and realize just how much we really do love each other.  Now every day is Valentine’s Day for us filled with genuine, heartfelt I love yous, I miss yous, I can't wait to see you agains and you mean the world to mes.  When Steve was home on R and R in April of 2010 he made the comment, "The one thing I'm the most grateful for from this experience is the fact that you and I are tighter than we've ever been and I wouldn't trade that for anything."

I look back over the fifteen months that Steve has been gone and realize there are so many things to be grateful for.  How wonderful it is to see evidence of God working in our lives, even through those experiences that seem the most difficult and most painful.  It's from those situations we find the greatest blessings of all.

I know Steve loves me.  I knew he did when he left to go to Afghanistan.  To make the decision to go into a war zone in order to provide for his family takes an enormous amount of courage, self-sacrifice and love on a man's part. Especially when facing the fact that these sacrifices could include the ultimate sacrifice of losing his life.  It reminds me of John 15:13 “No one has greater love than to lay down his own life for his friends." Amplified Version   I can't begin to express how much I admire, respect, appreciate and love him for making the sacrifices he makes for us every day. I pray for God to watch over him, protect him and bring him home safely.

Jesus came into the world knowing that He would have to make the ultimate sacrifice for us.  The amazing thing is the fact that He would have made that same sacrifice if it were only for you or for me.  There's no greater love than that.  Who do you love?  Take the time to tell them today how much they mean to you because today is a gift and tomorrow is never promised. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Self Forgiveness

Some people have read my story and told me how much courage I must have to be able to share my story and expose my past mistakes in such an open forum as a blog.  I suppose I have finally submitted to what I feel the Lord has revealed His will and purpose is for me. So I will do what I can do and leave it to Him to take care of the things that I cannot do.  Joyce Myer says, "Sometimes you just have to do it afraid."  I don't feel afraid.  I've finally forgiven myself and realize that there is only one judgment that matters.  I'm reminded of a book our oldest daughter, Holly gave me for my birthday one year titled "If You Want to Walk on Water, You Have to Get Out of the Boat".  I guess I'm finally stepping out of the boat. 

When we accept the Lord as our personal savior He forgives us of all our past sins.  The Bible tells us that sin is sin and no sin is greater than another.  It also tells us that we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.  When we are forgiven the Lord doesn't hold onto our sins to bring them up the next time we make a mistake.  He lets them go.  John 8:36 "So if the Son liberates you [makes you free men], then you are really and unquestionably free." Yet so often we tend to hold onto the guilt, shame and fear associated with the sins from our pasts that God has forgiven.  We carry them around like excess baggage, an anchor around our necks letting them hold us down and hold us back.  All too often people try to judge us because of our past mistakes and we allow their judgment and condemnation to affect the way we view ourselves.  None of us are the same people we were twenty years ago, ten years ago or for that matter even yesterday.  Each day presents new opportunities for us to learn, grow and change.  It's not my job to judge others, that's the Lord's job and I certainly am NOT qualified for that task.  When the Lord forgives us, He lets our sins go.  When we accept His forgiveness we also need to forgive ourselves and let go of the self-condemnation of our past mistakes.  Using my past mistakes as experience to relate to others and reach out to them to let them know no sin is too great for God's love and forgiveness is really quiet liberating.  Ah, John 8:36 just told us that.  Self-forgiveness is so important.

Leaving the Wilderness

 In life blessings and curses are set before us.  It's through our choices and decisions in life that we are ultimately blessed or cursed.  Clearly one thing I've learned from my life experiences is the extreme importance of making godly choices and decisions.  I don't blame God for anything that has happened to me in my life.  Everything that I've endured is certainly by my choice because of the decisions that I've made.  I'm thankful for God's mercy and grace that brought me through each experience.  I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned from them.  I'm thankful for the person that these experiences have made me today.  I'm thankful for the ability to reach out to others, understand them, feel compassion toward them, share my experiences with them and let them know that God loves them, He  wants the best for them, can and will forgive them.  I believe that through the course of my life God has given me free will to make the choices I've made and learn the lessons I've learned to cultivate me into who I am to fulfill the specific purpose he has assigned me.  He has given each of us a specific purpose and provided us specific gifts and talents in order to fulfill that purpose.  He speaks to our hearts and instills within us a great desire for that purpose.  We may try to ignore it but it's always there.  Satan will try to tell us we're silly because there is no way we could possibly accomplish that.  Satan will lie to us and deceive us because he certainly doesn't want us to accomplish anything positive for the kingdom of God.

The Lord informed me seven years ago what His purpose was for me but Satan laughed at me, made me feel silly and told me there was no way anyone would be interested in hearing anything I had to say.  I've tried to ignore it by casting it out of my mind but it's always been there in my heart.  I would get so frustrated with God saying, "God please!  Why won't you let me know what it is you want me to do?  I've asked for your guidance.  I'm willing to do whatever it is you want me to do.  I've submitted to your will."  God's reply to me was, "Oh Alecia, but I have revealed my purpose for your life to you.  If you are willing to do what it is that I want you to do why have you not submitted?  You look at your lack of ability instead of my ability.  Do you not realize who I am?  Do you not realize that it is me not you?  Stop looking at yourself and look to me.  It is through the weakest that I can reveal my power.  You want me to tell you where to live, where to work, what to do today.  This is not my concern.  Have I not made provisions for you and your family?  What concerns me and what should concern you is what you can do for my kingdom.  Is that not what really matters?"  WOW!  He had so clearly revealed His purpose for me.  He has made provisions for me.  Yet I've been wandering through the wilderness refusing to submit to His will.  Why?  I was looking at myself instead of looking to God.  Fear of others judgment and condemnation.  Fear of failure.  Fear of having to take that step into being a Christian publicly instead of remaining in my closet where it's safe and warm.  Fear is what has stopped me.  Fear has kept me in the wilderness.  It was an eleven day journey to Canaan (the Promised Land), yet it took the Israelites forty years to get there.  I've known for seven years what the Lord has wanted me to do yet I've wandered through the wilderness.  It's time for me to step out in faith, submit to God's will and leave the wilderness.

A Year Of Pouting With God

Before Steve left for Afghanistan God had revealed to me that Steve was first in my life not Him.  I had asked God to help me put Him first in my life.  Before Steve left we attended church, I read and studied my Bible daily, I had my dedicated prayer times yet considered myself to remain in a state of continual prayer with Him.  After Steve left it all stopped.  I haven't attended church since Steve's been gone.  I quit reading my Bible and other than an occasional comment to God quit praying and communicating with Him.  A few weeks ago God revealed to me that I have been pouting with Him like a child.  Yes, I had been!  I was angry with Him!  I had asked Him to open doors for us to find jobs.  I had trusted Him and kept my faith that He was going to make a way for us.  He took my husband away from me and sent him to Afghanistan!  Could it be that He had sent Steve there to isolate me and make room for Himself in my life in order to help me draw nearer to Him and put Him first?  God says that our love for our spouse and our children should resemble hatred in comparison to our love for Him.  I've wasted an entire year pouting with God instead of seeking Him.  He reminds me that my actions of the past year came as no surprise to Him.  He knows everything about me from my past to my future.  Since this realization I have noticed things in my life that are clearly signs of God at work.  Praise God for that!

Putting God First

Before Steve actually made the decision to go to Afghanistan to work I remember praying for the Lord to open the right doors for us and lead us through them.  I was getting so frustrated because I felt I wasn't getting the answers from God that I wanted and needed.  I knew the reason I wasn't getting the answers was because of me certainly not because God was simply withholding them from me.  I prayed for God to show me what I was doing wrong and He revealed to me that He was not first in my life, Steve was.  I told God I was willing to put Him first in my life but I would need His help.  Shortly after this Steve left for Afghanistan.